Melancholia

The rain outside my bunk right now's surprisingly heavy. Dozed off half-naked while sitting on my bed under the drowsy heat of the early afternoon, only to wake up to flashes of lightning I could already sense with my eyes still closed, and loud, loud claps of thunder which eventually jolted me awake.

There's definitely melancholia to be found when you're in a wide, half-vacant army bunk, still a little dazed from your nap earlier, feeling the lucky few raindrops that somehow flew right through the window into the room pat against your skin, and hearing the drizzle outside. And it's this melancholia which compelled me to spontaneously open the Blogger app on my phone. "Whip up an entry with whatever words are still left in your head," Melancholia told me.

I don't mean to sound poetic at all. In fact, with all this tiredness inside me, I don't think I'll even have the strength needed for the conscious effort that goes behind the poetry. Just rambling here, and yeah, I guess I have a lot to ramble about.

I'm always cleaning up after making a mess out of myself. And this year, I've been doing it countless of times. Not that it's not a good thing, though. We would all definitely appreciate a 'moving on' phase to round up every personal catastrophe faced, but it doesn't come easy. Effort needs to be spent in order to get over something. And when that spent effort accumulates catastrophe after catastrophe, it just leaves one drained, tired. Spent. Not long ago I realised that I reached this state of tiredness, that my struggles have once again caught up to me, and I regretfully drowned in them. All those thoughts that invaded my head, they wielded their weapons as sentences strung out of the ugliest, most cutting words, and I couldn't help but feel powerless against them.

I know this definitely isn't going to end as a hopeful story of absolute victory over the self-destructive parts of me which I absolutely hate. But I will always believe that with this immense tiredness comes the much-needed rest; the precious awakening. The kind where you find yourself on the beach in a peaceful morning all of a sudden, not quite able to remember last night's massive storm. Because somewhere along the way, the light enters, even if it comes in little, nothing bursts. Bit by bit, they break open the empty shell, and I'm always reminded of His promises once again.

I guess it's not necessarily about positivity, but rather of melancholia – the slow realization that although struggles are necessary, they don't have to become my identity. It's not going to end anytime soon, as change doesn't occur overnight. I'll still be feeling what I felt in the near future. But with that, I'll also be reminded that whatever isn't in line with God's vision for us will not be here to stay.

POP, and the block leave after

Well, what can I say? That above was me just slightly over a week ago, and now I'm here, recounting the past week and all that happened. I guess I spent my break well, but as to whether I'm ready to embrace my new vocation... I wouldn't say so much for now. The break was a great escapade from military life anyway, and though I didn't spend much of it on my personal productive pursuits, it pretty much reinforced quite a lot of my existing friendships, and I'm thankful for that. :) Now that everything's said and done, it's finally time to thumb through the past week day by day.

Saturday
... was THE day. The day of our POP. The day when we could just forget about all the silly mistakes we committed during BMT and call ourselves soldiers anyway. Or the day when we could finally look back at our journey with one another in Tekong with smiles on our faces and the knowledge that somehow, something in us changed for the better, turned us into a 'real soldier'. Regardless of everything, it was THE day. Lol.

In most cases, when the topic of POP comes to mind, it would simply be seen as the end of BMT, rather than as a thing in itself. As much as the former is true, I guess I shouldn't also disregard the entire process that led to this 'end'. Actually, scratch that — I don't want to disregard that at all, considering the fact that it was pretty painful as well, haha. Even during the 24km route march, I was subject to new experiences (to be more accurate, shades of pain) — sustained blisters on my left foot at the 9km mark (I really didn't get what happened there; thought I was already a seasoned marcher), and so I effectively limped the remaining 16km to the floating platform. And to be honest, I wasn't really able to chew on that pain very well during the later half of the march, especially when all of us had to march through this route undergoing heavy construction which was, in actual fact, 4.5km long (when all the sergeants tried to sugarcoat their words by telling us it's "3km but might seem terribly long"). At that point I was already throwing fits within myself, and I guess my facial expression wasn't exactly a sight to behold, though thankfully, who actually would've bothered about how I looked so far into the march. Nonetheless, I did enjoy some bits of the 24km, such as chatting with BK and Alvin during the first half when we were still trudging through the long stretch between Changi Coast and ECP (it was like a cherry on top of a load of crap), and the most important thing is that I didn't fall out at any point in the march. There were definitely a lot of 'everything is just pointless' moments during the march when I would just catch myself thinking that this POP doesn't warrant so much effort at all, but after stubbornly not giving up and finally being able to march into the parade square as a contingent, I found myself tearing a little. I guess that moment when all of us walked out into claps from the audience and a beautifully sunny morning was epic in the sense that it made me realise that somehow or another, it was all worth it. But really, that was quite a lot of emotion I had there that day. Not to mention, I'm also really grateful for my family and close friends who dropped by to say hi and to congratulate me. Really meant a lot! And they're also responsible for the pictures below. Aren't they awesome. (Y)

A break to remember

I had a really good... Good Friday (pardon the vocab use) break (including Saturday), and it's really something I need to write about. But knowing me, I tend to put things off till when they really need to be done. So here's to squeezing out an entry in 15 minutes and eventually realising my hopeless idealism.

To start off, I believe I haven't got to raving about how I managed to clinch a Gold for the very final IPPT in BMT. I guess to many it's just one of those usual achievements that have yet to be casually checked off on a list, but when I really got that Gold, I was surprised that it meant much more to me than I thought it would. I guess it's a pretty darn good feeling, being able to finally reach that potential when nobody actually thought you would, given the circumstances (had 2 months of physical training prior to actual BMT, so as far as assumptions go, I wasn't very fit at the beginning). But although yet another chapter has been closed here, it definitely takes ongoing effort to sustain that Gold (and $$$ - which can get VERY important - once I get posted to my vocation) for the days ahead. That aside though, I just really hope that my life won't continue to be about occasional acts of overachievement, and that means I'm gonna have to really work for the things I want from now on. And if anything, that's what my experiences over the past few months have taught me.

Anyway, I digress. As mentioned, Good Friday has been good, mainly because of 1. The Script live in Singapore, and 2. a grossly overdue first actual drinking experience.

1. The Script was, simply put, amazing, though I can't really measure this 'amazing' against that of other concerts because theirs was the only one I've ever been to. But for a first, it was pretty peerless in its own right. They played all the important songs that are oversung in karaoke rooms (but never overplayed in my own terms), and Danny O'Donoghue's voice was just magic - still can't really come to terms with how he just effortlessly and smoothly belted out all the high notes live even after singing non-stop for nearly two hours. Also, in other news, I guess I did my job as an active (and rather crazed) concertgoer well, despite not getting standing pen tickets. And I have to say that I'm pretty proud of that. :)

2. Went to Switch by Timbre (the bar opposite SMU) after the concert for a short chill-out session with Michelle. Actually, we've been planning for one for quite some time already with a couple of other friends, but for some reason, I haven't actually had many plans go my way as of late. Nevertheless, I really liked the experience — bars are really one of those few places where you can actually enjoy the silence with your company without feeling the least bit awkward about it. Not to mention, the live band played some Chinese pop music that was really easy on the ears, and for me, that was a great plus. :)

Of course, I haven't really got to writing about my entire break yet. Shall save the next part (Saturday) for another time then. For now, three cheers for my eternal conflict with time and its management.