To Anne

So much time has passed, and it borders on unsettling, how it wasn't until yesterday night when I was somehow thinking about Aunty that I realised it has been years since the last time my mother at least treated her work ethic with a measure of sternness, however slight, and that it's also been such a long time since she last teased her with light-hearted chiding, saying things like, “Maridel (our previous housemaid) worked in our house for a good six years before leaving for home, do you think you can outlast her?”.

After a good 10 years of service, Anne's become a constant and indispensable part of our family. Far from the times when my mother still saw it necessary to enforce strongly her house rules and standards of discipline as with a normal employer-employee relationship, we have long embraced her as someone within and not without, and likewise, she has come to live comfortably in our humble 4-room flat; a second home to call her own. Yet through all these changes, she has remained unfailingly quiet and gentle such as to not have left even the slightest dent in our day-to-day affairs, and if I were to look at these 10 years with her in our home as a summary, she'd be like the details of a painting while we were the subject – deceptively insignificant on her own, but able to lend much depth and colour to whichever lives she offers herself to.

In slightly more than a year's time, she would have to leave as we inevitably make changes to the way we live and function as a household. Needless to say, I've already felt a slight twinge of regret from this impending loss, and when the time comes, it's only going to roll in like waves pounding the shore, in all its shades of bittersweet. I'm guessing the main reason why I'm harbouring such strong feelings even now is the sense that a lot of time has already slipped away somehow; that despite having known her for 10 years and counting, I could've connected with her much better, and understood so much more of what makes her the person she is. It's like trying to collect water from a stream with cupped hands, only to have it seep through the line where the sides of both palms touch, giving way more often than holding together. Regardless, I could always convince myself that it just wasn't in my nature to try harder, that much of the time was simply meant to be lost anyway, but I guess it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. If only there was a language for all our silences in the past; if only this understanding was more plain and obvious.

Nevertheless, regardless of whatever futile attempts at salvaging time which had been lost long ago, one thing's for sure: as a family, we would be able to bid our farewell while in complete ease with ourselves. And I guess that will also be the best reward we can offer to Anne in return for her invaluable service – making sure she lived well and ate well during the time she spent with us. To leave all that she has ever known 10 years ago, submit herself to the mercy of foreign shores, and not know at all what was in store for her – I can honestly only imagine the courage it took her. Yet it was but an act borne out of necessity, even a rite of passage, in her homeland, where times can be tough and domestic jobs unable to pay well enough.

I remember how our distant relatives would confront and critique my mother for making Anne's job too easy for her every Chinese New Year. “Why is she dressing so shabbily? I suggest you tell her to start carrying herself well and with greater discipline,” they would ask in Hokkien, and at times when her housekeeping was not up to expectations, my mother would also start questioning herself, casually saying in Chinese that she's spoiled her too much (in full knowledge that she knows a fair bit of the language). But at the end of the day, I know my mother can't possibly bring herself to go too hard on Anne, simply because she respects her. That's just how my family works, and for that, I really look up to my parents.

I guess I would still be complaining about how I didn't exactly learn to break out from this sheltered lifestyle my parents painstakingly created for me, and thus resent the fact that we have a housemaid, provided that I didn't seize the many opportunities to be independent that came my way despite having someone at home helping us out – and that was definitely not the case. Through the years, I've come to understand that just because one has a housemaid, it doesn't make him part of the 'strawberry generation', or any classification which suggests that youth these days ride uselessly on the privilege of their parents. In fact, I would say having Anne around has given me more time to grow and involve myself in various other pursuits, although I may not have recognised it at the start. In some way or another, I've emerged as a better person, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

So much time has passed, and all of this will eventually be no more. But although there's so much more that could have been done, and so many more goodbyes to reluctantly utter and hellos to warmly embrace, it was, and will be, enough. Thank you Anne, for teaching me so much about life and people, whether knowingly or not.

KL

Just returned from KL yesterday morning, and I personally think the amazing city deserves more credit. Putting myself out there, getting lost, and roaming the city like locals do in a place where opulence and glitz coexist in harmony with unkempt streets and paint chipping off walls turned out to be more enjoyable than I thought, and though different from the well-organized infrastructure back in Singapore, it is by no means inferior. KL is a city with apparent room for improvement – it's vibrant and in constant flux, perfectly OK with not being squeaky clean, immaculate, or a haven for breeding sheltered, idyllic lifestyles, and that is what makes the city intriguing. It's far from perfect, but it's perfectly authentic.

This KL trip was also the first time I roamed a bustling city on my own, free from the assurance of family and the itinerary of guided tours. This also meant that nothing came between us and the locals, and there were definitely noteworthy experiences from interacting with them. To say the least, it wasn't until I was independent in the heart of the city that I realised Singapore has coddled me in excessive comfort. It did shock me quite a bit to see several homeless people taking refuge in the corners of the most affluent parts of the city, and until this trip, we never had to doubt that our taxi drivers would bring us to our destination. These two days in KL, although short, made me realise a lot about myself and society as a whole, be it what I can offer with the privileges that I have been showered with, or how I should learn to trust strangers more and to take greater risks.

I believe this trip has further opened my mind to many valuable lessons and realizations that I can never glean in small, comfortable Singapore. Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort – it's at times even instinctive, but I will strive to never regret any opportunities for more diversified experiences should they come my way in the future.

Better days

I've been spending an hour or so walking around a place of choice as some sort of citizen-tourist after booking out these two weeks. Spurred on by interesting photos of Singapore I saw on the internet and all over Instagram, I decided to go on similar, sporadic photography trips of my own, and they've turned out to be surprisingly fulfilling. :) Up till recently, I was accustomed to a mindset of convenience and practicality when it comes to travelling in Singapore, always either taking the usual public transport routes to get to the same few places I usually frequent, travelling for the sake of meeting friends and accomplishing tasks rather than as an end in itself, or choosing to be driven around by car whenever we go out as a family. Though such habits have nonetheless made me well-acquainted with generally many places across Singapore (for after all, it's still a little red dot on the world map), there remains places I have never bothered to set foot in or explore properly. So on Wednesday, I walked around Taman Jurong Estate and the immediate vicinity surrounding Lakeside station, and just yesterday, I travelled by foot from Tanjong Pagar station to Chinatown, with the aims of simply taking in the various sights and sounds, and finding new perspectives from which to document Singapore. Being alone with myself and visiting the places I'd like to properly see and explore without being detoured by a partner proved to be more enjoyable than I thought. Of course, going for photography trips with friends – especially with those who have similar interests – can definitely enrich the experience, and it's been great having a few of them willing to participate in such journeys with me. Glad to have invested in a hobby of some sorts in which I can both enjoy at my own leisure and utilise as an avenue for bonding. :)

In other news, some updates dating from a few weeks back till today:

Some photos from the Friday four (!!) weeks ago. Had an impromptu photography session with Rashid & Sylvia at Fort Canning Park and National Museum of Singapore before chilling with some drinks at SMU, followed by a men's meeting organized by my church with some of the guys from E391 which turned out better than I expected. Managed to bond with a few other guys from EC Zone through a food hunt for which we pretty much failed terribly, but it's alright – there wouldn't be an opportunity for us to meet otherwise, and it was humbling learning about their personal experiences and backgrounds. Admittedly, I was skeptical about the whole event at first, but of course, I didn't  regret turning up after it all ended. :)

Labour Day (three Thursdays ago) was spent with Yi Ren & Sheryl at the Marina area. Initially we met up with the intention of cementing our plans for a short trip to KL (which thankfully has already been settled as of now), but it just ended up being one of those random walks round town for gazing at the same old city lights and having the same old idle conversations. It was a good respite from the stifling atmosphere back in camp though, speaking of which that particular week wasn't too bad, actually. Had a recce skills evaluation which my team fared pretty well in – something completely unexpected considering the lack of training prior to the test.

For my night out on Wednesday, I planned to meet Rashid & Sylvia for a short catch-up session. Was initially keen on catching the new Spider-Man movie with them, until Sylvia said that she's already watched it... much to no one's surprise, actually. After all, when it comes to watching Marvel movies together, chances are at least one of your friends have already watched it before /shrugs.

With the movies crossed off our already short list of things-we-could-do, we decided to settle with coffee, which brought us to our next challenge – settling on a nice and accessible café to meet. There's a considerable number of cafés that dot the West Coast and Bukit Timah areas near my camp, and I personally have been wanting to try a few of them, notably those near NUS such as W39 Bistro & Revolution Coffee. But in the end, after much light bickering, we decided on D'Good Café at Holland Village, which wasn't exactly among the first few cafés I would think of, but that's just me, because I didn't know that it would be Rashid's and Sylvia's first time at Holland Village... MUCH to my surprise, hahaha. I guess Easties will always be Easties, well unless your camp just happens to be at the other end of Singapore.

Brief as the meet-up was, it was great seeing them again and laughing over the same old stupid things. The waffles from D'Good were good, too – underrated considering how many hobbyist café-hoppers seem to always gush over the waffles from the same few cafés while notably leaving this one out. It's not exactly incredibly crisp with a burnished layer on the outside while fluffy and cottony on the inside like how the food reviewers would put it, but it's definitely good enough to merit a couple of positive reviews.

Headed to Coffee Bean with Rashid after that, where he had his breakfast-for-dinner, rather strange considering how he messed up his order of meals for the day hahaha. Then again, it just goes to show that anytime is a good time for dessert. :) Talked about their upcoming trip to Krabi over his meal, and felt a little regretful that I couldn't make it. Nonetheless, the upcoming short getaway to KL with Sheryl & Yi Ren should compensate for all that I'm going to miss.

Overall, I would say that my days have been slightly better as of late? It comes as a stark contrast against a few weeks ago, during the period when I found myself contemplating my existing friendships and the problems faced when it comes to maintaining them. I'm trying harder to keep everyone in mind right now, and hopefully the efforts will pay off in the long run. As much as I'm better off on my own most of the time being the introvert I am, and despite how I'm an adaptable person who takes changes in my stride, I have to decide that I still do need some of the people I've met in the past as my close friends. I shouldn't be too eager to let go, to dismiss the distance that results from a lack of effort as differences that can no longer be reconciled. And as I work harder on this aspect of life, I definitely hope that I'll be seeing yet another opportunity for personal growth.