Fiction

Slightly, the setting sun

shifts the shaft of light

down the wall. The dust,

illuminated. They float, equilibrate, paying no respect

to memento mori. And I,

I am fiction.

The pages have long yellowed. You caress

my spine. Gently, your fingers slide

across the embellishment, distant as

seeing eyes that

study Braille. I am now fragile –

an artifact, resigned to

your careful curation, your cautious

hands.

I was once the grand wooden door you knocked,

after the drawbridge fell. You gazed, with wonder,
at the silver knight. Running, you escaped

the labyrinth, and embraced

the magnolias, the field where you

were safe.

You were a muse to me, like I was

to you. Magic was when

you thumbed my pages, when we huddled beneath

your fort of sheets. I shared countless night skies

with you. Without thought,

my space was saved

wherever you went.

Yet I was not made to measure the miles,

before my own shadows

swallowed me whole. It was quick,

painless,

sobering, while your world grew

cruel,

illusory. I withdraw

into my corner, second hallway

from the left. Because

I am fiction, and because

I never belonged

where you were.

(It would be wonderful if anyone understood what this really meant, but I don't expect anyone to, judging from the amateurish writing. Still learning though.)

After another goodbye

So last Wednesday, I laid out all the equipment – the helmet, luminous vest, and the elbow and knee guards, to be exact – neatly in the locker that was assigned to me in the motorbike garage, returned all the necessary keys as well as the cross-country riding boots, and finally, stamped down what seemed like a never-ending hurricane of paperwork – all in exchange for a military Class 2B license. And a dismissal from the driving circuit which I forced myself to feel happy about, because I was. From that day on, gone will be the days of incessant chiding and nagging from my instructors, and in all honesty, I never really got to know those who rode with me throughout the next half of the course well, so it felt good – albeit terribly overdue – to finally break away. I know I sound totally cold-hearted here, but I always felt like a persona non grata in their midst, probably because I was the 'blur'/lousy/weak one. And things will hardly change even if I prove them wrong a hundred times over, because we just belong to different frequencies, behind contrasting personalities. But it's OK. There's no one to please here.

Nevertheless, I'm still sentimental for a couple of things despite generally not enjoying the course like I thought I would, and I especially miss the islandwide riding sessions, and being able to cruise around Singapore just because. It was really nice to just ride around the routes, to take in the sights of familiar places so inexplicably entangled with my past and present – home, Changi Village, the ferry terminal to Tekong, TJ – to name a few, and to ponder briefly about these stages of growth and how I've changed since then. I guess it was just something I drew strong feelings of gratitude from.

In other news, I'm back here in the place where time seems to slow down to a painful crawl, and since I'll most likely be stuck here with next to nothing to do till the end of this year, I thought, "why not write a bit about my thoughts?". It's surprising because I wasn't expecting myself to actually exercise my brain in this manner (being a soldier and all, and lol I was just being sarcastic), but I did learn some small but important lessons I thought I should keep.

I would say that I've 'survived' every hardship and challenge thrown at me this year, because I wouldn't deny that 2013 has been a hard one. But then again, should I say that all this while, I've only been focusing on my own problems, and on shoving them into others' faces, especially my loved ones? It definitely doesn't help when every single one of my friends seems to at least be having a better time than me now. I know, there's always a degree of immaturity from looking at things this way, but at the very least, they managed at least one of the wishes for this year that I couldn't fulfill. I was so desperate for that 'big break', to the point where I expected it, where I thought that anytime now was the right time for it. I insisted on going for a short trip overseas to anywhere, preferably this or that... basically, I flooded my parents with unreasonable demands, and expected fulfillment on their part. In the end, promises made had to be broken. I wasn't given the leave schedules early enough, and everyone had their own jobs to attend to. It was nobody's fault; I just learned that I needed to be more patient and less selfish. Because so what if everyone else seems to make travelling abroad seem like such an easy task? It's still a privilege, and I need to learn how to deal with it – the possibility that privileges can get stripped away from me one by one.

I realised recently too, that I'm never going to be the man people expect me to be. And the thing is, I just know it, even though I have no idea what kind of person I'm gonna turn into in the future. And when the time comes, I guess I'll get to know who are the ones who will really accept the way I am, even if in the end, I pass away as some empty shell void of interest in almost everything – something like how I feel now, which is also something I don't want to become. It is really in times like these when I should submit myself more to my own faith, to God... despite everything that I may be, and despite all the circumstances I'm in. Tired, guilty, conflicted, cowardly, yes. But you know, still faithful and hopeful. And I know that's what matters:

This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” (Romans 1:17 NLT)

Nothing much going on lately

November has so far been one of the quieter months this year, and I attribute that to how I'm staying out and just going home almost every day after every bike lesson, tired and longing for some personal time. I also realised that I would so much rather spend time alone when a conflict between going social and shutting every door behind you for a night arises (weekends are pretty much irrelevant here, because they're days where I would have time for both). And I guess it says quite a lot about how I view the value of my current friendships. It's not that they're bad, but I just think that right now, nothing feels very 'fresh'. It's kinda sad, but it's nobody's fault; it just happens sometimes. Let's just say I miss those days of spontaneity and flexibility, where my good friends and I were all in the same place, and nobody needed to try too hard to have a good time. I miss that.

In other news, bike course (of course): passed my public road test today. :) I'm starting to believe that I'm really a one-hit wonder in this course, and it scares me a bit mainly because I lack self-confidence, leading to thoughts like, plot twist: someone was riding the bike for you. But I definitely believe that I did meet a decent standard at least, after all the training (and insults). Maybe constantly putting me down is my instructor's special way of dealing with me and making sure I pass, since he did the same prior to the circuit and balancing test. Then again, I was honestly convinced that I would fail before I got the results this morning, because I did continue to commit a couple of mistakes. But I guess it's a good idea for all to just leave this in the past and give nothing short of my best for the upcoming programmes, hahaha.

Off-road training today was rather bad, and I made quite a lot of silly mistakes despite demos that were pretty straightforward. I guess it's because my weight (or lack thereof actually...) is still not accustomed to the bike. This is something I really need to improve on.

So besides the course, nothing much has been going on lately. And I'm both happy and sad about it, lol. I would say it's just a ~phase~.

Some updates about bike course

Although there has been a ton of changes over the past few weeks, I haven't got to blogging them because basically... they're not actually very good changes to begin with. I remember booking out of Gedong for the last time in a month and thinking that I'm going to make things great, but in actual fact life rarely plays out the way you want it to. And the worst part is having it get so bad to the extent where you're just confused if your expectations are just too high, or if you're simply incompetent at this whole 'life' RPG thing (hold on while I try to look for the 'restart game' function for this).

So, riding a motorcycle was far harder than I thought it would be. The bad news would be that for the past few weeks, I've gathered enough discouragements from almost every instructor in the circuit to make waking up on weekday and Saturday mornings especially hard on the state of mind. Before I continue, some useful background info about me: 1. I'm naturally slow at tactile learning but I didn't ask for a not-so-nimble brain, and 2. I tend to screw up even more under scrutiny by someone who knows I'm a screw-up and breathes down my neck so as to make sure I'm not screwing things up. Put 1 against a training programme that's way too packed, and thus one with naturally greater expectations, and you get angry instructors yelling at you for making the most basic mistakes. Put that against 2, and you get me in the driving circuit, a royal screw-up who's almost always exhausted and demoralized.

Thankfully though, things took a small turn for the better today. We've been training for the circuit and balancing tests the past few days, and because I've basically just been marked by the group of instructors as one of the weakest riders around, I didn't get sent out for the first test yesterday along with three others, and on top of that, I've been staying back for extra practice. So I only took the test today, and by practice and some wondrous miracle, I passed all the stations in a single attempt, ahead of quite a couple of others who met hiccups at some of their balancing stations. Even I was shocked with this seemingly unachievable feat, and for the rest of the day I had instructors shaking my hands and exaggerating my accomplishment like it's something so unbelievable and beyond comprehension, lol. I also automically became an example to be used in statements like, "If someone so bad like Geng Hao could pass, why am I still having so many failures?!?!11". And even now, I don't know how to feel about being referred to like that.

Anyway, since that's one hurdle passed in one way or another, I went out to the public roads today, and it was a rather disorienting experience at the start, with so many things to look out for and so many scenarios to consider. After two rounds around the public road test route, it's still pretty much confirmed that I'm somewhat of a road hazard, and this just goes to show that this journey here is far from ending. It's yet another challenge ahead; yet another battle within myself to be better than what I usually let myself be. And as much as I'm happy that I managed to pass the first round, the real deal starts from tomorrow onwards. Determination, ability, and most importantly, consistency. I'll stop feeling sorry for myself once I know that I've truly achieved that.