Maybe we are dealing with
the insurmountable. Maybe
this labyrinth is nothing but
a cruel illusion that
circles upon
itself.
If we saw ourselves, these poor creatures,
how we run into the hundredth corner
just when we thought
our heavy hearts could finally
hinge on that last gasp of freedom,
let these chains crush
ever so
gently.
Yet, as much as we are
the misfits, the disfigured
pieces to this puzzle
of conformity, absurdity,
we shall one day draw
this courage, to watch with brave eyes
as this maze shifts
and fades to
white.
Maybe we are dealing with
the insurmountable. Maybe
we are dealing with
ourselves. Maybe
we can be beautiful, and maybe
we can be
free.
2013/03/28
2013/03/24
Pain, being kind and uni rants, among others
Glad that I at least have my weekends to myself. :)
For starters, I completely take back that casual remark I made about the past week being 'lazy' (refer to previous post). From the day right after I said that, everything began to spiral downwards into some whirlpool of internal chaos as we got on to the physically taxing 'meat' of the week's schedule. That's the thing about physical pain, I guess – I wouldn't dare say it was unimaginably tough, because no matter how much it may seem to be draining from you in that moment, I'll know it myself that everything I went through in that week will have to end at some point, and that everything will have to settle again, especially those wars waged between my head and my flesh. I've been through that enough times to not know about this simple fact, and I don't expect this to end soon.
And I guess the same goes for pain in general. I've always kinda believed that one of the things which makes us proud to be humans would be the ability to consciously draw capacity from within ourselves to add purpose to whatever pain we're going through, no matter how harsh that pain may be. And we can do that retrospectively, concurrently, or prospectively, as long as we're willing to. To turn it into a memory embraced, or a hope that the unknown will yield something sweet, or even something worth anticipating, because somehow you'll know that it'll lead you to better places. In a sense, although we're just as fragile now as we were one moment ago in our skin and bones, there's immense strength within each and every one of us. Yet it's all about making that conscious decision between from the start – "as much as our light belongs to us, so too does our darkness". And this entire human race is really but an ensemble cast, with each person equally important in bringing the best out of someone else, or at least, in letting that someone else know even the simplest love. Just what I realised after reflecting upon this as of late – NS just grants so much time for reflection (and I hope it really did come out as eloquently as possible in here, haha).
So that's that for those hopefully-leading-to-self-discovery ramblings. In other news, I've been keeping myself occupied with MORE university applications this weekend, but I shall aim to quickly wrap it up and hopefully send in my final application next week. I'm also surprised at how these days, writing personal essays actually tire me more than I thought it would. Perhaps it has to do with everything I've done in the past 2 years leading up to now. It just occurred to me that I've been way too involved in society to think about doing something productive in my own terms. Even then, all these applications to educational institutions expect some inclination towards success and accomplishment in society's terms. To be very, very honest, I'm already quite worn down by all the pondering about my leadership experiences, my engagements with sport and intellect, etc. As if all this would necessarily suggest my character and potential. It's really inefficient, now that I think about it. And it's always about working around inefficiencies, because there's just so much unknown out there. So many ideals to measure and concretise. So many applicants to govern. Sometimes I can't help but feel that I take the shorter end of the stick, but then again, with everything this arbitrary, one can probably turn the whole situation around by spending some effort blowing something seemingly substantial out of nothing at all. And this goes back to the reason behind why personal essays tire me so much.
So... blabla, and I shall just cross my fingers now and hope that my time later will be spent well enough.
For starters, I completely take back that casual remark I made about the past week being 'lazy' (refer to previous post). From the day right after I said that, everything began to spiral downwards into some whirlpool of internal chaos as we got on to the physically taxing 'meat' of the week's schedule. That's the thing about physical pain, I guess – I wouldn't dare say it was unimaginably tough, because no matter how much it may seem to be draining from you in that moment, I'll know it myself that everything I went through in that week will have to end at some point, and that everything will have to settle again, especially those wars waged between my head and my flesh. I've been through that enough times to not know about this simple fact, and I don't expect this to end soon.
And I guess the same goes for pain in general. I've always kinda believed that one of the things which makes us proud to be humans would be the ability to consciously draw capacity from within ourselves to add purpose to whatever pain we're going through, no matter how harsh that pain may be. And we can do that retrospectively, concurrently, or prospectively, as long as we're willing to. To turn it into a memory embraced, or a hope that the unknown will yield something sweet, or even something worth anticipating, because somehow you'll know that it'll lead you to better places. In a sense, although we're just as fragile now as we were one moment ago in our skin and bones, there's immense strength within each and every one of us. Yet it's all about making that conscious decision between from the start – "as much as our light belongs to us, so too does our darkness". And this entire human race is really but an ensemble cast, with each person equally important in bringing the best out of someone else, or at least, in letting that someone else know even the simplest love. Just what I realised after reflecting upon this as of late – NS just grants so much time for reflection (and I hope it really did come out as eloquently as possible in here, haha).
So that's that for those hopefully-leading-to-self-discovery ramblings. In other news, I've been keeping myself occupied with MORE university applications this weekend, but I shall aim to quickly wrap it up and hopefully send in my final application next week. I'm also surprised at how these days, writing personal essays actually tire me more than I thought it would. Perhaps it has to do with everything I've done in the past 2 years leading up to now. It just occurred to me that I've been way too involved in society to think about doing something productive in my own terms. Even then, all these applications to educational institutions expect some inclination towards success and accomplishment in society's terms. To be very, very honest, I'm already quite worn down by all the pondering about my leadership experiences, my engagements with sport and intellect, etc. As if all this would necessarily suggest my character and potential. It's really inefficient, now that I think about it. And it's always about working around inefficiencies, because there's just so much unknown out there. So many ideals to measure and concretise. So many applicants to govern. Sometimes I can't help but feel that I take the shorter end of the stick, but then again, with everything this arbitrary, one can probably turn the whole situation around by spending some effort blowing something seemingly substantial out of nothing at all. And this goes back to the reason behind why personal essays tire me so much.
So... blabla, and I shall just cross my fingers now and hope that my time later will be spent well enough.
2013/03/19
Crossroads
Not expected to be here judging from the fact that I'm in camp during weekdays, but thank God for long admin breaks. :)
This week has been a pretty lazy one so far and it kinda gave me quite some room to think about all the decisions I've made over the weekend. Went to NUS for the open day last Saturday and I have to say that I was thoroughly impressed, at least in the most shallow of ways, because U-Town looked exactly like those too-good-to-be-true artistic impressions you see in adverts for future construction projects, just that they have actually manifested in real life. Of course, "looks can be deceiving" and (insert wise quote here), but I just couldn't see myself passing off a truly constructive judgment after simply spending less than a day in that place. After all, isn't that the whole point of making things look really glorious and attractive?
This is not to say that I was only enthralled by the look of the campus though. Faithfully sat in for talks and visited the booths about the courses I've more or less marked out in my head, and when it was about time to leave I could sense that I managed to settle on a decision. Though I admit that this extraordinary decisiveness (I'm usually irredeemably fickle) probably came by because I didn't have many options to choose from by default, I guess it's safe to say that the sharings and info only served to provide more backing for my intention to venture into Sociology.
Speaking of Sociology, I also came to this decision about the course I want to take if I manage to enter Uni not long ago; in fact, I kinda made it after I received my A-Level results. It's not because I didn't really have anywhere else to go (even now there's a huge risk of rejection), rather, it's simply because I managed to find a course that represented what I was actually really interested in. I'm glad that GP during my JC days made me realise the importance of knowing about current affairs and the societies that bind people together, as well as the satisfaction from being able to think critically and to write in clear prose. I think this pretty much validated Sociology, so it was only up to me then to inform myself that such a course actually existed. But from where I'm standing now, I wouldn't dare say that I certainly understand what would be in store for me should I really be accepted (and I'm referring to potentially thick notes and hard-to-grasp theories). Note to self: bask in the comfort that the unknown can be something compelling and really, really rewarding.
On another note, I have yet to continue opening up my options while I still have the chance to. Didn't really get to know much about SMU despite its rather attractive social sciences programme, and I also intend to apply to NTU. Need to consider almost every local university, just in case everything falls apart. And as much as I'm feeling the pinch from my 'danger zone' grades, I should be thankful that at the very least, they affirmed the direction I intended to take from the start.
This week has been a pretty lazy one so far and it kinda gave me quite some room to think about all the decisions I've made over the weekend. Went to NUS for the open day last Saturday and I have to say that I was thoroughly impressed, at least in the most shallow of ways, because U-Town looked exactly like those too-good-to-be-true artistic impressions you see in adverts for future construction projects, just that they have actually manifested in real life. Of course, "looks can be deceiving" and (insert wise quote here), but I just couldn't see myself passing off a truly constructive judgment after simply spending less than a day in that place. After all, isn't that the whole point of making things look really glorious and attractive?
This is not to say that I was only enthralled by the look of the campus though. Faithfully sat in for talks and visited the booths about the courses I've more or less marked out in my head, and when it was about time to leave I could sense that I managed to settle on a decision. Though I admit that this extraordinary decisiveness (I'm usually irredeemably fickle) probably came by because I didn't have many options to choose from by default, I guess it's safe to say that the sharings and info only served to provide more backing for my intention to venture into Sociology.
Speaking of Sociology, I also came to this decision about the course I want to take if I manage to enter Uni not long ago; in fact, I kinda made it after I received my A-Level results. It's not because I didn't really have anywhere else to go (even now there's a huge risk of rejection), rather, it's simply because I managed to find a course that represented what I was actually really interested in. I'm glad that GP during my JC days made me realise the importance of knowing about current affairs and the societies that bind people together, as well as the satisfaction from being able to think critically and to write in clear prose. I think this pretty much validated Sociology, so it was only up to me then to inform myself that such a course actually existed. But from where I'm standing now, I wouldn't dare say that I certainly understand what would be in store for me should I really be accepted (and I'm referring to potentially thick notes and hard-to-grasp theories). Note to self: bask in the comfort that the unknown can be something compelling and really, really rewarding.
On another note, I have yet to continue opening up my options while I still have the chance to. Didn't really get to know much about SMU despite its rather attractive social sciences programme, and I also intend to apply to NTU. Need to consider almost every local university, just in case everything falls apart. And as much as I'm feeling the pinch from my 'danger zone' grades, I should be thankful that at the very least, they affirmed the direction I intended to take from the start.
2013/03/17
Let it prosper
I feel it inside me, this ocean
rumbling, crashing against a shore
of words, washed out along with
forgotten feelings, subdued truths, desires the heart
has yet to know,
and it pounds, with the energy
of hidden passions, buried deep within the crevices
of the soul, overwhelmed
by its own gravity, but
alive and fiery
as they have always been.
I see it inside me, this glow –
soft, uneven, speckled –
its shards, they dislodge
into a magnificent show of stars
against the dark of dusk, in patterns
too complicated to fathom
into the most familiar constellation.
I hear it inside me, this city –
the drone of an old refrigerator,
the 2am gunshots and false alarms,
the crushing of Coke cans, the intoxicated laughter –
an imperfect construction, the chemistry of
a hundred different perceptions
reacting to form
a whole that matters.
In your solitude, feel the oceans roar, and
the waves, unfurl.
In the night's romance, be humbled by the majesty
of the stars, these glowing cosmic bodies
of light.
In the quiet of an empty apartment, hear
how the concrete jungle stumbles into life
in its beautifully broken fashion.
And you will speak my language, sense my hopes
to build an impenetrable castle, a refuge to fall back on,
a universe to call our own.
rumbling, crashing against a shore
of words, washed out along with
forgotten feelings, subdued truths, desires the heart
has yet to know,
and it pounds, with the energy
of hidden passions, buried deep within the crevices
of the soul, overwhelmed
by its own gravity, but
alive and fiery
as they have always been.
I see it inside me, this glow –
soft, uneven, speckled –
its shards, they dislodge
into a magnificent show of stars
against the dark of dusk, in patterns
too complicated to fathom
into the most familiar constellation.
I hear it inside me, this city –
the drone of an old refrigerator,
the 2am gunshots and false alarms,
the crushing of Coke cans, the intoxicated laughter –
an imperfect construction, the chemistry of
a hundred different perceptions
reacting to form
a whole that matters.
In your solitude, feel the oceans roar, and
the waves, unfurl.
In the night's romance, be humbled by the majesty
of the stars, these glowing cosmic bodies
of light.
In the quiet of an empty apartment, hear
how the concrete jungle stumbles into life
in its beautifully broken fashion.
And you will speak my language, sense my hopes
to build an impenetrable castle, a refuge to fall back on,
a universe to call our own.
2013/03/16
Spiritual secrets
Went for cell group after what seemed like ages today, and I didn't regret it at all. Today's sharing by Tayxi was a great reminder for me, and it only served to reinforce what I believe in for this season. Some snippets from the notes I took down earlier:
Feeling so much better now actually. Right now I also believe that I can better make major decisions without worrying too much about whatever domino effect I might spark off. I think it's great, this knowledge and assurance that things are indeed under control. It's definitely time for me to stop feeling ashamed (!), to stop beating round the bush, and to start stepping up the faith.
Truly I believe that this is a period for me to trust in God and His kingdom more. I especially relate to the fact that sometimes, we just need to step out of our comfort zones, abandon our narrow perceptions of success and gratification, and embrace whatever disappointments or failures with the conviction that yes, though God may not be giving you what you want most right now, He will always be sure to give you what you need. On top of that, read somewhere recently that God can also work through unanswered prayers, and I couldn't agree more. Unanswered prayers compel us to delve deep into our inner selves, to realise what exactly is it that we yearn for, and to see the bigger picture such that we would be able to reflect upon our own lives with greater understanding.
- Knowing God → trusting God.
- God is not a man that He should lie.
- <Isaiah 55:8-9> - ""For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.""
- Trusting God compels us to abandon even things that may seem important to us at that moment, such as goals we believe would bring us satisfaction/fulfillment if achieved. It's about entering a dimension of initial uncertainty, only to attain something so much greater.
- "The man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps."
- Take the first step in a general direction, and God will be sure to follow through. It's about being active - both initiative and God's will comes into play in this journey of self-discovery. God moves when you move.
Feeling so much better now actually. Right now I also believe that I can better make major decisions without worrying too much about whatever domino effect I might spark off. I think it's great, this knowledge and assurance that things are indeed under control. It's definitely time for me to stop feeling ashamed (!), to stop beating round the bush, and to start stepping up the faith.
2013/03/15
Rachael Yamagata
Was lying on my bed in the bunk during that particular time of day when morning was just about to break and it wasn't quite dark enough for the lights to remain turned on. The entire room seemed as if it fell into a shadow, and the only trace of light was the warm, purplish glow of dawn. Shuffled my iPod with nary a care for whether the song fitted the mood, but I'm glad I eventually decided to pick my own music instead, and that I settled with some Rachael Yamagata.
When I first got to know about her, I didn't remember her music grow on me like it did that morning. I guess she's one of those artists whose charm needs a little more time to take its shape. But eventually I realised that everything about her music - the soulful voice that contemplates and probes, the reckless and beautifully melancholic composition, the artfully written lyrics - displays such great talent and quality. You should really give a couple of her songs a listen to get what I mean.
When I first got to know about her, I didn't remember her music grow on me like it did that morning. I guess she's one of those artists whose charm needs a little more time to take its shape. But eventually I realised that everything about her music - the soulful voice that contemplates and probes, the reckless and beautifully melancholic composition, the artfully written lyrics - displays such great talent and quality. You should really give a couple of her songs a listen to get what I mean.
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, you and I know the reason why
But all of this means nothing
Yeah, all of this means nothing
All of this means nothing
Without you
C'est la vie
Came back here, revamped this place and shook things up a little solely because for the past few days, there has been a voice in my head urging me to write down whatever thoughts I longed to express. Of course, I could have recalled the existence of this thing called a 'blog' much earlier, and that's when I also agree that it takes a hell of a battle against procrastination to get back to blogging again. I guess I had too much running through my head, such that the more I don't blog, the more I don't feel like blogging. You can also look at this entry disdainfully in the name of bad excuses, but regardless of everything else, I'm here. No more empty promises about staying for good this time, though.
2013 hasn't exactly been a great year for me, and this is still true even against 2012 as a grim backdrop. The past 2 years have desensitised me quite a bit, and right now it's still safe to say that not much progress has been made when it comes to attempts at reinvigorating myself. I guess on the surface my mood did improve, what with all the new changes thrown in my direction and all. Enlisted for NS at the end of last year and from where I am now, I'm merely a month away from POP and moving on to (hopefully) greater callings. During the 3 months and counting, I made a couple of close friends, improved my physical fitness, and did quite a lot of military-related stuff (though most of the times they were tangled in much red tape). My point is that things did seem to change slightly for the better, though as the days passed, whatever that was wired to emotion inside of me reached a plateau. As much as I enjoy being a recruit, I do know it myself that I'm not exactly cut out for a military lifestyle, and when all my mistakes and incompetencies eventually began to come up one after another, life in the army got slightly heavy and well, tiring.
That wouldn't have been much of a problem if not for everything that happened at the beginning of March and beyond. I wouldn't say that it was a turning point which seriously affected and changed my life, but it did remind me of harsh realities I didn't exactly want to confront. Yet the funny thing is that I've been fighting against them all my life. Opened March to mediocre A-Level results that I didn't at all expect, and that just set off a chain reaction which left me pretty empty and mildly depressed inside. I guess it's this lack of performance in both my academic and professional fronts that led me to feel this way now. I'm not a person who goes through some sort of ridiculous struggle that involves straight 'U' grades yet who manages to pull off a solid miracle right when it matters the most, neither am I a person who's so amazingly progressive or consistent such that I'll be sure I'd definitely perform well even under great pressure. Honestly speaking, when I collected that result slip, I was so overwhelmed by my own mediocrity, and I felt as if I did myself a favour by living up to my own expectations of not being able to perform well. And I guess that kinda explains why I was still so calm even after I got to know about my grades. I mean, the past 2 years have just exposed me to so many displays of overachievement which only reminded me that I had no choice but to work around the paltry limits I was assigned. And the climax takes the stage right when you think you're finally making good strides during the last lap, only to crash and burn at the end.
I guess everything here simply boils down to how, as of late, I had to live with so many things unresolved. There were just too many things I didn't understand, like how when I was slogging through field camp and tough physical training and I thought about why I was doing what I did when nothing's gonna work out in the end, or those moments of reflection when I would just make comparisons of myself I knew very well were invalid against others and I thought about why my life couldn't be as smooth sailing as theirs, as far as their 'suffering' goes. I guess not a lot of people would empathise with me here, but this is really my life right now. All the important things I yearned for - I didn't get them at the end. And this is really something, considering how it has come from a person who's usually positively taking challenges in his stride.
They say this is the start of a new season, and I couldn't agree more. I guess the fact that I don't understand so many things right now compels me to search into the depths of my spiritual soul. To lean less on my own understanding, but more on His. From here, I'm definitely going to different places, and I'm definitely gonna make new decisions. And all I can do right now is just have faith that this vagueness wouldn't keep at it for any longer, that in the near future, the answers I long for will eventually appear.
2013 hasn't exactly been a great year for me, and this is still true even against 2012 as a grim backdrop. The past 2 years have desensitised me quite a bit, and right now it's still safe to say that not much progress has been made when it comes to attempts at reinvigorating myself. I guess on the surface my mood did improve, what with all the new changes thrown in my direction and all. Enlisted for NS at the end of last year and from where I am now, I'm merely a month away from POP and moving on to (hopefully) greater callings. During the 3 months and counting, I made a couple of close friends, improved my physical fitness, and did quite a lot of military-related stuff (though most of the times they were tangled in much red tape). My point is that things did seem to change slightly for the better, though as the days passed, whatever that was wired to emotion inside of me reached a plateau. As much as I enjoy being a recruit, I do know it myself that I'm not exactly cut out for a military lifestyle, and when all my mistakes and incompetencies eventually began to come up one after another, life in the army got slightly heavy and well, tiring.
That wouldn't have been much of a problem if not for everything that happened at the beginning of March and beyond. I wouldn't say that it was a turning point which seriously affected and changed my life, but it did remind me of harsh realities I didn't exactly want to confront. Yet the funny thing is that I've been fighting against them all my life. Opened March to mediocre A-Level results that I didn't at all expect, and that just set off a chain reaction which left me pretty empty and mildly depressed inside. I guess it's this lack of performance in both my academic and professional fronts that led me to feel this way now. I'm not a person who goes through some sort of ridiculous struggle that involves straight 'U' grades yet who manages to pull off a solid miracle right when it matters the most, neither am I a person who's so amazingly progressive or consistent such that I'll be sure I'd definitely perform well even under great pressure. Honestly speaking, when I collected that result slip, I was so overwhelmed by my own mediocrity, and I felt as if I did myself a favour by living up to my own expectations of not being able to perform well. And I guess that kinda explains why I was still so calm even after I got to know about my grades. I mean, the past 2 years have just exposed me to so many displays of overachievement which only reminded me that I had no choice but to work around the paltry limits I was assigned. And the climax takes the stage right when you think you're finally making good strides during the last lap, only to crash and burn at the end.
I guess everything here simply boils down to how, as of late, I had to live with so many things unresolved. There were just too many things I didn't understand, like how when I was slogging through field camp and tough physical training and I thought about why I was doing what I did when nothing's gonna work out in the end, or those moments of reflection when I would just make comparisons of myself I knew very well were invalid against others and I thought about why my life couldn't be as smooth sailing as theirs, as far as their 'suffering' goes. I guess not a lot of people would empathise with me here, but this is really my life right now. All the important things I yearned for - I didn't get them at the end. And this is really something, considering how it has come from a person who's usually positively taking challenges in his stride.
They say this is the start of a new season, and I couldn't agree more. I guess the fact that I don't understand so many things right now compels me to search into the depths of my spiritual soul. To lean less on my own understanding, but more on His. From here, I'm definitely going to different places, and I'm definitely gonna make new decisions. And all I can do right now is just have faith that this vagueness wouldn't keep at it for any longer, that in the near future, the answers I long for will eventually appear.
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