Of friendships and taking two hands to clap

I've been thinking a lot about my friendships the past week, mainly because it struck me that without warning, they may be gone someday, regardless of whether I hold them close to my heart or not. The separations may not actually be (directly) due to my own shortcomings to begin with – after all, it takes two hands to clap, so they're also at the mercy of the other party's expectations and priorities. And it is precisely because relationships are cooperative in nature that a lot of us emphasise on values such as commitment, understanding and compromise when it comes to maintaining them. Yet no matter how aware I am of this, I'm afraid that I'm always growing comfortable too quickly, and always taking for granted the situation that brought the two of us together as good friends, as if it's going to be permanent, and as if we're not going to be whisked away to completely different places when we least expect it.

I think about the good times I've had with the people whom I currently keep in close contact with, and I wonder how we will change with the passage of time. For some, I've already been in their lives for seven years and counting, and it's for these friendships that I'm most worried – are we going to realise, a few years after life leads us to our respective greener pastures, that we've never really understood each other and that our personalities actually clash in ways we've never imagined before? It's indisputable that I'll definitely put in the effort to preserve these relationships – they're simply way too precious for me to just let them go like they're nothing. What I'm not sure of is whether they'll do the same, and it's not that I don't have faith in them – it actually amazes me sometimes how well we can act as pillars of support for one another – but simply because I can't say for sure.

Then there's the group of them who sincerely clock hours for all the 'we really need to meet up soon's and the 'it's been long, why don't we catch up again sometime?'s, in an effort to deal with the aftermath of having been physically separated. Yet I can't help but feel that as of late, it's increasingly become a case of applauding intentions and accepting that we've been separated by too much time. It makes me profoundly ambivalent, how there's no longer common ground to tie us together, and this stems from a combination of boredom over how there's nothing special to share or listen to anymore, happiness over how we're still trying to make things work despite all that's changed, and uncertainty over whether we'll meet again in the near future. It feels kind of funny, really, like volunteering to walk a tightrope, or willing oneself to hang freely off a cliff. The option to give up and say 'no' is always there, yet we've continued holding on to one another, maybe because there's always a remote possibility that someday, the lines that we are will once again converge.

I've also been grappling with yet another type of problem in my friendships lately: the friendship of unequal expectations, i.e. to think that everything about the friendship has been sailing smoothly, when in fact it hasn't for the other party. And I have to say that it's really eye-opening, how pride can get in the way of solving such problems. Also, I guess that through this experience, I've gained some much-needed insight into how different people perceive their relationships, though I'm definitely not obliged to agree with them of course. It really takes situations like these to once again remind me that life, in all its aspects, is as dynamic as ever. You're dealt with the cards, but it doesn't mean that you win the game. Nevertheless, don't bend yourself to accommodate others if it's not something that you want for yourself as well.

In sum, I thought I've understood enough about relationships to at least keep them... serviceable, if not healthy. Turns out that with this period where I've grown rather detached from the outside world due to NS commitments, it's once again become an area of concern for myself. I guess what's most important for me right now is to evaluate all my existing friendships, and to be reciprocative and proactive when I need to be...

April in an entry

I realised that I've only been writing about my thoughts and reflections lately as opposed to actually documenting the recent goings-on in my life, though it's not like there's a lot going on at the moment anyway (finally, I'm no longer misquoting this '22' reference lol). Still, enough happened this April to warrant an entry!

To start off, I started taking driving lessons last Sunday under the guidance of a private instructor recommended to me through my aunt, and as much as I'm glad to have taken another step towards finally going behind the wheel, I believe that I'm also in for a (literally) bumpy journey. Recalling how I struggled rather terribly with the steep learning curve back when I was learning how to ride a Class 2B bike last year, I definitely have misgivings about my ability to drive well, but no matter – I believe I will still make it in the end, regardless of how unpleasant the experience gets. Even now, after having gone for just two lessons, I've already received quite a fair amount of criticism from my (unfortunately) Chinese-speaking instructor with regards to my ineptness and lack of coordination. But I guess I'll have no choice but to take all of that in my stride and try my best (hopefully he doesn't end up pushing the limits though... ha ha ha).

In other news, my company went to the range last Monday for the second year combat shoot, and it turned out surprisingly well. As usual, I expected myself to be the black sheep that brought my team's overall score down and took away any possibility of ever achieving marksmanship, but the results indicated otherwise. I was even shocked at myself for doing well enough in the individual shoot such that I could also hit the mark to become a marksman. I attribute this to the fact that this year's shoot was much less demanding compared to the utter mess which was last year's – some shooting positions were excluded, leaving behind the manageable ones. I won't admit that my shooting skills have improved though, because if anything, marksmanship is naturally repelled by me – I'm just lucky that it gave me a chance this time (whoop).

Last Wednesday night, the clique (somehow I really hate using this word, but it'd seem awkward if I substituted that with a list of names, idk) from cell group came all the way down to the Wild Wild West to meet me for dinner and a catch-up session. It's actually a follow-up to a rough plan to meet that Huiyen & I casually thought out while on our usual Saturday night bus ride home.

Initially we had trouble finding in a good place to eat, and eventually we  settled with Kungfu Paradise (all in the name of the Bedok Point memories Christon & I had, hahaha). Evidently, we had A LOT of food (as usual), and after a couple of laughs we headed to Westgate in search of a nice rooftop to chill... only to end up playing in the children's playground there instead.

(I find this photo really amusing for some reason, as if we would actually make it to the jacket of a K-Pop album if we tried a little harder)

Haha really thankful that they came down though, there's never a dull moment with these people. :)

Booked out of camp the following night for Good Friday, and reached home just in time for a nice meal with my parents at the zi char place opposite where we live after they were done with their usual evening jog. My mom ordered a little too much food, and my rather hostile reaction to that made me realise that I've been growing increasingly irritable towards her, and I really need to stop that (thankfully though, we ended up having an interesting conversation after dinner that night about the goings-on in her workplace). I'm guessing a reason for this change in attitude is that I've been spending too much time away from home to have a proper conversation with her. Either that, or we've been arguing more often lately because I tend to vent my frustrations on her, which, admittedly, is something I really shouldn't do. Yet as I'm typing all this out on my phone while sitting on my bed in camp, I'm suddenly finding myself missing her a lot. I just wish to be a better son, and I'm definitely still learning (I love you Ma, despite and in spite of everything that may try to drive wedges between us).

Moving on to more lighthearted affairs, I went for the Good Friday service before booking in to do guard duty the next day, and I have to say that I enjoyed the drama production quite a lot this time round! This year, they retold the resurrection of Jesus Christ from a retrospective viewpoint, i.e. they recalled the series of events backwards from Easter, so that's something refreshing and different. That evening was also none other than a timely reminder of the steadfast love that God has for us. Truly Christ is risen and given us new life, and for that I'm thankful. :)

So here I am, back in camp and tossing and turning around on my bed, once again waiting patiently for yet another week to end. Over the next few days, I'll try to post more when I can. There's still quite a lot that I want shared in this place, so I'd better buck up when it comes to cultivating that writing habit. Till then for now!

Too much second-guessing

I can't believe that until now, I'm still reassessing the decision that I've made regarding my university education, even though there's still an opportunity to reverse the tide. For starters, I'm sorry if I was a jerk to anyone the past few days with all my ramblings about whether I made the right choice when it comes to what I'm going to study in the near future, and I'm even more sorry if I happened to have shaken anyone, or compelled them to review decisions which they would very much love set in stone and far removed from even the slightest hint of a doubt. Nonetheless, in spite of my fickle nature, I'm still sure that my interests lie in the fields of design and journalism, and I'd definitely want to pave my prospective career path in those directions. However, the hitch is that right now, I'm pretty much swinging back and forth these two areas like a pendulum bob, and I've considered making a radical change by applying to WKWSCI or even architecture school from the current FASS. I've thought about the possibility of customising my degree by taking up double majors though, so that's one factor that's keeping me grounded in my current decision. And I know this sounds terribly shallow, but the wide variety of exchange programmes and overseas internships are another factor. And although I've been racking my brains over this dilemma lately, the truth is that I can't do much about it just yet.

It's really times like these when I wish I could just fast-forward in time already. Yesterday while I was doing guard duty, I looked up internship offers in journalism and chanced upon this interview with an ex-intern at The Straits Times News Desk, and it only served to remind me of how much I too wanted an experience that'd equip me to probe deeper within myself. From where I am right now, the idea of interning as a journalist both excites and scares me in equal measure, primarily because more than a year after leaving JC, I've yet to estimate my abilities in an objective way once again. It seems like there's a fifty-fifty chance of it working out – likewise for the converse – and I realised that this is a question I want answered... now, actually. I guess these two years in NS are good in the way it seems to seal me up in bubble wrap, safely insulated from society, but I'm currently finding myself raring to go once more. One thing's for sure, though – I have to plan well now, so that I'll eventually hop on that utterly dizzying post-ORD ride and feel my head and my heart swell with way too many things at a time. For this particular transition in the near future, I doubt there'd be much balance involved... and that might not necessarily be a bad thing. What's most important is that by then, I would've gained a greater awareness of what I really want for the next stage in my education.

Just, blah

Sometimes I keep asking myself why. My life just seems so boring and dry now, and I know I'm supposed to cherish how simple March has been, but it's already gone beyond the point where I can still derive a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from what I do, provided I try my best to adjust my attitude and squeeze some optimism out. I just don't know, really - right now things just seem so empty. The company line looks so miserable everyday, no one has much meaningful or productive conversation with one another, the days seem to pass so slowly, and to describe the overall mood as dull would be a gross understatement. Everyone's either staying out and booking in in the morning only to leave in the evening, or malingering at home, refusing to turn up in camp. That leaves just the few of us, but soon some of them will be leaving for their respective courses, and that will leave even fewer of us seemingly perpetually stuck in the same place for the next 8 months or so. To make things worse, I've just been claiming a lot of off days lately, and it kinda gives the impression that I'm either just aimlessly roaming about or wasting away at home, though I have to say that I'm actively trying to prevent that from happening. Lately, I've been engaging in holding myself accountable for my interest in art & design, and by that I mean exploring more methods of making art (e.g. watercolour painting, new styles of sketching & typography, collage, etc.), as well as telling myself to touch Photoshop at least once every weekend. I've also started learning Japanese, although I'm going at a much slower pace than I would like, primarily due to the fact that I've also been catching up on my reading (I'm guilty for buying books and not reading them when I was young, and although I'm much more willing to read nowadays, I hadn't expected that I would've accumulated so many titles). There's still so many things that I want to will myself to do, and right now, I actually believe that if this sort of life persists, I'll eventually at least start on all these things, despite the high initial barriers and my penchant for procrastination.

You may think that's a good thing, which it is actually, but that's not really the point. Recently, I've been catching myself wishing that NS itself would be much more fulfilling than it is now for me way more frequently. Sure, it's easy to find ways to stop feeling like you're wasting your life away if you're willing to. But sometimes, I wish for more actual work, you know? Not the kind where you go down in your admin attire and sweep away the pile of dried leaves off the kerb, but the kind where you're actually participating in a work-related process. I hate to sound haughty (ha, so damn ironic), but sometimes I feel like I should be a 3SG instead, in the sense that I appreciate regular work and having my colleagues at least present when they're supposed to do their job. Or if I knew better, I could have messed up my pre-enlistment medical checkup then and landed a job as an admin clerk. That would work as well, I guess.

Last night when I was still in camp and just back from a night out, a sergeant of mine was lamenting about how we men have it so easy. We could have endless supplies of MCs if we wanted to, and all we had to do most of the time was just sit around and wait for instructions. I knew that he didn't mean a thing he was saying; he was simply generalising the attitude of a man in a bad light while whining about how burdensome his rank was, when it was clear he still wanted it. For not being at the bottom of the hierarchy in a system where hierarchy is everything, and for some measure of pride as a 'commander', of course.

And I still wish I could go overseas on military exchanges this year, but that would be hoping against hope, wouldn't it? To have a fulfilling experience in this place at all would be next to impossible. But I must keep telling myself to be grateful. I must keep trying to fix my attitude and to find ways to believe that things are better than they actually are. I must LET IT GO LOL. That's the only way I'll ever mentally pull through this year.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.
— Douglas Adams

This quote can't be any truer in the particular context of this entry. One day, I'll find myself in a positive working environment which values collaboration over authority, and I'll love what I do and rock at it so I wouldn't have to feel so lousy all the time. Or at least one of those two. I promise.