Hollow

I tried to write an entry earlier, but it was scrapped because I realised that the words were just sliding down a slippery slope of depression, unhappiness, emptiness, among other unpleasant feelings. I wouldn't deny that I haven't been feeling very good about living the past few months, but once it dawned on me that my words could aggravate all these lousy emotions depending on how I chose and strung them, I stopped simply out of the shocking potential within me to build my own catastrophe. And of course, out of the need to practice some moderation.

Shafts of morning light in its warm, glorious mild orange glow are pouring into the room from between the window panes, as I'm typing this right now. 7:03 am, and I'm not sure how long more this will take, but I know that lately, I've been holding on to these simple, fleeting moments, because it feels like they're all I have left to remind me to keep going. If anything, being here has only intensified my longing to go back to humble beginnings, to the places of my childhood where the world was my own personal kingdom – places that now cease to exist anywhere else other than in the haziness of a distant memory. Only when reality not only catches up with you, but laps you by several miles, will you realise that you once held your own world in your hands and did great things with it. And you'll hate it, too, because castles are built only to be torn down time and time again. Because that's how you remember.

I like to believe that I'm a person that, occasionally, writes too cryptically and acts too artsy for own good. Let's add this in to the list of the things that I am. Sensitive, quiet, withdrawn, aloof, awkward, pseudo-artistic maybe, introverted. For a guy, I'm probably 'great in a different way' for the affirmers, those who talk about making the society a 'better place', like some vacuum of rainbows sprouting out from every direction or something. I don't mean to sound caustic, but there are just phases in your life when you're too disempowered to even give a damn. I dare not say that everyone has them, but it's good if they do. Because if I'm lucky enough, they'd at least be able to relate to how I feel right now. A person with all the 'qualities' mentioned above, in an institution that hardly ever values any of them. Physically fit, yes, but not fit for leadership or command because that's just how I am. Getting thrown in somewhere to deal with the whims of the higher-ups, to maneuver through their personal agendas and to give them the 'face' they 'need'. Where respect is earned through authority and rarely through relationship. Yeah, I won't say anything, because I too understand how they need to do their jobs as much as we do. But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm tired and beaten from not being able to unlock whatever potential I have within me, to the point where I have begun to doubt if I even have it inside. Even now, I'm still not sure (ha...).

If I'm coming off as somebody who's whiny and too weak to face things by myself, then I guess you're either horribly wrong or too clouded by your own judgment. Maybe that's my fault too for being an unreliable narrator, but right now I can really do without people who can't or don't bother to understand. I've come to the point where I don't care what others would think about me anymore, at least not even in a place like this, where I'm probably the only one reading whatever I write. It's more of a case of keeping things in for too long, such that I would lose sense of everything I'm feeling if I don't express it a bit. Anyway, I believe I did an adequate job this time. Hopefully it doesn't sound too self-deprecating.

I guess this is the part where I heave a huge, breathy sigh and get up again.