Hollow

I tried to write an entry earlier, but it was scrapped because I realised that the words were just sliding down a slippery slope of depression, unhappiness, emptiness, among other unpleasant feelings. I wouldn't deny that I haven't been feeling very good about living the past few months, but once it dawned on me that my words could aggravate all these lousy emotions depending on how I chose and strung them, I stopped simply out of the shocking potential within me to build my own catastrophe. And of course, out of the need to practice some moderation.

Shafts of morning light in its warm, glorious mild orange glow are pouring into the room from between the window panes, as I'm typing this right now. 7:03 am, and I'm not sure how long more this will take, but I know that lately, I've been holding on to these simple, fleeting moments, because it feels like they're all I have left to remind me to keep going. If anything, being here has only intensified my longing to go back to humble beginnings, to the places of my childhood where the world was my own personal kingdom – places that now cease to exist anywhere else other than in the haziness of a distant memory. Only when reality not only catches up with you, but laps you by several miles, will you realise that you once held your own world in your hands and did great things with it. And you'll hate it, too, because castles are built only to be torn down time and time again. Because that's how you remember.

I like to believe that I'm a person that, occasionally, writes too cryptically and acts too artsy for own good. Let's add this in to the list of the things that I am. Sensitive, quiet, withdrawn, aloof, awkward, pseudo-artistic maybe, introverted. For a guy, I'm probably 'great in a different way' for the affirmers, those who talk about making the society a 'better place', like some vacuum of rainbows sprouting out from every direction or something. I don't mean to sound caustic, but there are just phases in your life when you're too disempowered to even give a damn. I dare not say that everyone has them, but it's good if they do. Because if I'm lucky enough, they'd at least be able to relate to how I feel right now. A person with all the 'qualities' mentioned above, in an institution that hardly ever values any of them. Physically fit, yes, but not fit for leadership or command because that's just how I am. Getting thrown in somewhere to deal with the whims of the higher-ups, to maneuver through their personal agendas and to give them the 'face' they 'need'. Where respect is earned through authority and rarely through relationship. Yeah, I won't say anything, because I too understand how they need to do their jobs as much as we do. But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm tired and beaten from not being able to unlock whatever potential I have within me, to the point where I have begun to doubt if I even have it inside. Even now, I'm still not sure (ha...).

If I'm coming off as somebody who's whiny and too weak to face things by myself, then I guess you're either horribly wrong or too clouded by your own judgment. Maybe that's my fault too for being an unreliable narrator, but right now I can really do without people who can't or don't bother to understand. I've come to the point where I don't care what others would think about me anymore, at least not even in a place like this, where I'm probably the only one reading whatever I write. It's more of a case of keeping things in for too long, such that I would lose sense of everything I'm feeling if I don't express it a bit. Anyway, I believe I did an adequate job this time. Hopefully it doesn't sound too self-deprecating.

I guess this is the part where I heave a huge, breathy sigh and get up again.

To make up for the lack

It feels as if a lot has been going on lately, but at the same time, life hasn't exactly occurred to me as something eventful. Perhaps it's really because of the lack of updates here. They say that a life unexamined is a life not worth living, and from how I feel about mine right now, I guess the quote really does make a lot of sense. Truth to be told, lately I've only really just allowed my days to blend into one another; just allowed myself to go indifferently with the motions. And I reckon that if I don't start documenting my days (like how I always awesomely did in secondary school), I will definitely regret slowly forgetting everything I'm doing now in the future. I guess this is also a weak attempt at 'reviving' my rotting brain as of the beginning of this year... and not until after the end of next year. :'( Hopefully in the process of writing this I would be able to at least properly think about all that's happened over the past few days.

The day before yesterday was really one of those days which I would mark off on my calendar in anticipation. :) A couple days back, BK asked if I wanted to join Kenny & him for a short shopping trip in town, and I was actually really glad he asked so, because we haven't seen one another for over a month already (since end BMT). So yes, of course I agreed, and we met. Walked around for a bit at Tangs before going for lunch at this pretty casual but decent Japanese restaurant in Mandarin Gallery called Tonkatsu Ma Maison. Not a very huge fan of deep fried pork cutlets, but I have to say that the experience was pretty authentic –food-wise at least – it's among few of the many Japanese restaurants I've visited in Singapore which actually serve traditional appetizers, barley tea and the very delicious 珍珠米 (literally pearl rice, though I don't exactly know if that's the right English term; and actually, I reckon a lot of Japanese/Korean restaurants do serve that sort of rice... but theirs tasted just tasted especially good for some reason :D). After lunch we headed to H&M upon Kenny's request. Was also my first time entering the store at Orchard Central, and though there were some items that caught my eye, I was really tentative about even trying them. And I think that's really what makes me such a difficult shopper – I keep thinking about the possibility of finding greater deals somewhere, but at the same time, I'm not actually resourceful enough to have plenty of alternatives at my disposal, or willing enough to go the extra mile in my hunt for these deals. :/

Satisfied my ice cream cravings after that at the Cold Stone Creamery nearby, after which we just continued with the (for my case) usual window shopping before leaving. It was a simple but nice day with them I guess, though it actually didn't exactly come easy for me. I know, it's pretty outrageous to learn that even meeting up with somebody can take a lot of effort, but I'm always caught in the situation where trade-offs have to be made between my different groups of friends, and it's rather frustrating when you're forced to make a decision on which group is more important and deserves more prioritizing because yeah, your schedule is just too packed to accommodate each pathetically short weekend, especially when me-time, no matter how short, is still very much essential. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not suggesting that I'm popular or in high demand or anything (as in what many of my friends always jokingly call me when I'm complaining about this... but come to think of it, I can't and I won't be like that, so that's a relief). It all just goes back to the annoying reality that for these two years, I'm gonna have so much time during the weekdays that can't be transferred to the weekends. And this brings me back to the classic complaint about NS, though I have better things to do now than get to that rant (can't see myself resisting the temptation to blog about this in another entry though hahaha).

So as with every Saturday night, I went to church. Truth to be told, I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary because I was just reeeeaaaallll sleepy. And to be honest, I dozed off occasionally during the parts leading up to the sharing that somehow I was wide awake for and yeah, the sharing that cleared up a lot of doubts for myself. Basically, the pastor was talking about the tabernacle and the need to engage in fellowship with God, and he led us to Hebrews 4:15-16: "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need".

I've been to this verse a couple of times in the past, but it has never struck me quite like the premise in which the pastor brought his point across that night. Basically, what he meant to say was that Jesus understood. And that there's no condemnation in Christ precisely because of this understanding; this ability to symphatise with humans and how at times, they may turn weak from fleshly temptations, because it was said that Jesus has once gone through and experienced the ordeals of the people in this world. And that THEREFORE, we can boldly approach the throne in times of need, broken or whole. Upon this realization, I immediately thought of the homosexuals for some reason, and how I've finally found a way to reconcile my faith with my support for the freedom to love. Because I realised that ultimately, the Bible is based on love and acceptance, and as perfectly embodied in the verse, they're the prime, enduring qualities of Jesus. What's important isn't those petty fights between religious groups and agnostics/atheists over whether or not homosexuality is a sin/choice, but rather to step back and see the bigger picture of understanding leading to love and acceptance. That's what a relationship based on faith should be like – gracefully simple yet immensely meaningful. Free from chains that bind us down, close off our minds, confuse us and draw divisions. Because what's the point of subscribing to a religion then?

Of course, there's always the problem of cheap grace. The problem of the Parable of the Prodigal Son repeating itself so many times such that the underlying meaning of it all begins to fade. But I also figured that at the end of the day, the curtains close. For a Christian, it'll only be an affair between him and God, nothing more, nothing less. If we are truly wholehearted about God being central in our lives, no one will have the power to know besides God and ourselves. And that's why I believe in this case, it's more of learning how to live with ourselves when everything is stripped down to its basics. And it doesn't have to be antagonistic to all the apparently bad things we have done in the past. There just really needs to be sincerity and genuineness. That's what I think.

I guess there's still a lot of things I haven't yet said, but this should be more than sufficient for now. I'm always like this – just me and my verbose thoughts. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing though. But I don't really think it's applicable... because I'll never really know if there's people reading this or not. ;)

Melancholia

The rain outside my bunk right now's surprisingly heavy. Dozed off half-naked while sitting on my bed under the drowsy heat of the early afternoon, only to wake up to flashes of lightning I could already sense with my eyes still closed, and loud, loud claps of thunder which eventually jolted me awake.

There's definitely melancholia to be found when you're in a wide, half-vacant army bunk, still a little dazed from your nap earlier, feeling the lucky few raindrops that somehow flew right through the window into the room pat against your skin, and hearing the drizzle outside. And it's this melancholia which compelled me to spontaneously open the Blogger app on my phone. "Whip up an entry with whatever words are still left in your head," Melancholia told me.

I don't mean to sound poetic at all. In fact, with all this tiredness inside me, I don't think I'll even have the strength needed for the conscious effort that goes behind the poetry. Just rambling here, and yeah, I guess I have a lot to ramble about.

I'm always cleaning up after making a mess out of myself. And this year, I've been doing it countless of times. Not that it's not a good thing, though. We would all definitely appreciate a 'moving on' phase to round up every personal catastrophe faced, but it doesn't come easy. Effort needs to be spent in order to get over something. And when that spent effort accumulates catastrophe after catastrophe, it just leaves one drained, tired. Spent. Not long ago I realised that I reached this state of tiredness, that my struggles have once again caught up to me, and I regretfully drowned in them. All those thoughts that invaded my head, they wielded their weapons as sentences strung out of the ugliest, most cutting words, and I couldn't help but feel powerless against them.

I know this definitely isn't going to end as a hopeful story of absolute victory over the self-destructive parts of me which I absolutely hate. But I will always believe that with this immense tiredness comes the much-needed rest; the precious awakening. The kind where you find yourself on the beach in a peaceful morning all of a sudden, not quite able to remember last night's massive storm. Because somewhere along the way, the light enters, even if it comes in little, nothing bursts. Bit by bit, they break open the empty shell, and I'm always reminded of His promises once again.

I guess it's not necessarily about positivity, but rather of melancholia – the slow realization that although struggles are necessary, they don't have to become my identity. It's not going to end anytime soon, as change doesn't occur overnight. I'll still be feeling what I felt in the near future. But with that, I'll also be reminded that whatever isn't in line with God's vision for us will not be here to stay.