Alone, but not quite

Today, we had our first and last cell group meeting for February, and I left feeling simultaneously drained and strengthened. There wasn't actually a word for sharing in this meeting - most of the time was spent looking at Pastor speaking to us from a television screen connected to a laptop. He was discussing the qualities that men look out for in women and vice versa, as well as what best and worst described us when it comes to said qualities. Initially, I wasn't expecting much out of the sharing, because I felt a little detached in the sense that the qualities were restrictive in variety, and also because I'm still not interested in opining about romantic relationships between men and women at this point in my life. But as I grudgingly related myself to the qualities which were specifically mentioned in the video (consistency, decisiveness, strength), I realised something about myself that I've only subconsciously known. I chose decisiveness as the quality that I was weakest in, and went on to share about how, as a person, I'm generally open-minded and liberal such that sometimes, I border on being a double-minded Christian who's way too easily shaken. As I shared, I couldn't help but feel more and more alone in this worldview of mine, and it occurred to me that the present interpretation of the Church and its values will always somehow leave me out of a couple of loops. I honestly don't really agree with the Church on some sensitive topics, and as much as I subscribe to the many other important values in the Scriptures, I don't want to abandon the beliefs I know to be socially right, or to dumb myself down and follow the religious masses in endorsing beliefs that are restrictive or may even be harmful. Thankfully though, there's still a couple of friends in cell group whom I can comfortably discuss this with, so I know that I won't be definitively alone in this. Perhaps it's the fact that some of my other relationships within the group would sour and weaken due to this that kinda keeps me from voicing my concerns. Of these relationships, a few remain as those that I really treasure and hold dear, so as of now, I haven't really found a way to reconcile this conflict. Regardless, I still felt affirmed in the sense that I have finally brought the knowledge of this weakness of mine into consciousness. I will need that extra dose of faith to conquer the doubt that's been nibbling away at me with every waking moment as of late, while standing my ground when it comes to defending everything I believe to be certain and true, even if it means to bear a few instances of contradiction. After all, I'm but a living, breathing, and thinking human Christian...