Alone, but not quite

Today, we had our first and last cell group meeting for February, and I left feeling simultaneously drained and strengthened. There wasn't actually a word for sharing in this meeting - most of the time was spent looking at Pastor speaking to us from a television screen connected to a laptop. He was discussing the qualities that men look out for in women and vice versa, as well as what best and worst described us when it comes to said qualities. Initially, I wasn't expecting much out of the sharing, because I felt a little detached in the sense that the qualities were restrictive in variety, and also because I'm still not interested in opining about romantic relationships between men and women at this point in my life. But as I grudgingly related myself to the qualities which were specifically mentioned in the video (consistency, decisiveness, strength), I realised something about myself that I've only subconsciously known. I chose decisiveness as the quality that I was weakest in, and went on to share about how, as a person, I'm generally open-minded and liberal such that sometimes, I border on being a double-minded Christian who's way too easily shaken. As I shared, I couldn't help but feel more and more alone in this worldview of mine, and it occurred to me that the present interpretation of the Church and its values will always somehow leave me out of a couple of loops. I honestly don't really agree with the Church on some sensitive topics, and as much as I subscribe to the many other important values in the Scriptures, I don't want to abandon the beliefs I know to be socially right, or to dumb myself down and follow the religious masses in endorsing beliefs that are restrictive or may even be harmful. Thankfully though, there's still a couple of friends in cell group whom I can comfortably discuss this with, so I know that I won't be definitively alone in this. Perhaps it's the fact that some of my other relationships within the group would sour and weaken due to this that kinda keeps me from voicing my concerns. Of these relationships, a few remain as those that I really treasure and hold dear, so as of now, I haven't really found a way to reconcile this conflict. Regardless, I still felt affirmed in the sense that I have finally brought the knowledge of this weakness of mine into consciousness. I will need that extra dose of faith to conquer the doubt that's been nibbling away at me with every waking moment as of late, while standing my ground when it comes to defending everything I believe to be certain and true, even if it means to bear a few instances of contradiction. After all, I'm but a living, breathing, and thinking human Christian...

Spiritual secrets

Went for cell group after what seemed like ages today, and I didn't regret it at all. Today's sharing by Tayxi was a great reminder for me, and it only served to reinforce what I believe in for this season. Some snippets from the notes I took down earlier:

• Knowing God → trusting God.
• God is not a man that He should lie.
• <Isaiah 55:8-9> - ""For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.""
• Trusting God compels us to abandon even things that may seem important to us at that moment, such as goals we believe would bring us satisfaction/fulfillment if achieved. It's about entering a dimension of initial uncertainty, only to attain something so much greater.
• "The man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps."
• Take the first step in a general direction, and God will be sure to follow through. It's about being active - both initiative and God's will comes into play in this journey of self-discovery. God moves when you move.

Truly I believe that this is a period for me to trust in God and His kingdom more. I especially relate to the fact that sometimes, we just need to step out of our comfort zones, abandon our narrow perceptions of success and gratification, and embrace whatever disappointments or failures with the conviction that yes, though God may not be giving you what you want most right now, He will always be sure to give you what you need. On top of that, read somewhere recently that God can also work through unanswered prayers, and I couldn't agree more. Unanswered prayers compel us to delve deep into our inner selves, to realise what exactly is it that we yearn for, and to see the bigger picture such that we would be able to reflect upon our own lives with greater understanding.

Feeling so much better now actually. Right now I also believe that I can better make major decisions without worrying too much about whatever domino effect I might spark off. I think it's great, this knowledge and assurance that things are indeed under control. It's definitely time for me to stop feeling ashamed (!), to stop beating round the bush, and to start stepping up the faith.

Crippled by ambivalence

So, tomorrow's the day. Or rather... tonight's the night. I'll be hopping on a Delhi-bound SQ flight at 2.30am tomorrow morning with my Outward Bound teammates to embark on a 10-day long expedition.

Tossed and turned on my bed for quite a while last night before I managed to finally sleep, mainly because I was thinking a lot about the expedition (a little too much, actually). Truth is, I was afraid. It was truly what they call the fear of the unknown, and last night, it presented itself in one of its truest forms. Because as much as I'd love to go to the country to bask in the many sights, sounds and smells that's authentically Indian, there'll always be a part of me who wouldn't be so enthusiastic. I'd still worry for my parents who'll, in turn, worry for me (making me even more worried). I'd still consider unpleasant scenarios, such as the idea of failing at making new friends, or not being able to get along with the people there (or worse ones which are seriously better off unsaid).

But then again, it's not as if I'd be on my own, in fact, I'd be moving around with a considerably large group all the time, and there'll also be numerous safety nets in place. Teachers and instructors will be there to guide us, and if this actually serves as a form of consolation, there'll be more girls involved in the expedition. Awareness of these points really does warrant a huge sigh of relief, but no matter how well I comforted myself, a sliver of uncertainty and apprehension still remained.

So, in yet another attempt to eliminate the fear in my heart, I did a little bit of self-encouragement earlier today, and in the process stumbled upon this:

(via typographicverses)

Cliched Bible verse is cliched, but the meaning definitely isn't. It's so applicable to what I'm facing right now. If the Lord is with me, who can stand against?

Right now, I guess I should feel more thankful about being given this opportunity to embark on the expedition than apprehensive about all the uncertainty that'll surround me when I step out of my comfort zone. Surely, there'll be something worth taking away from the trip, and I shall look forward to it, cherishing every bit.

I'm also thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, all the fear would dissolve once I reach India. Who knows?

Hahaha, guess I should stop rambling on and on about this issue. I shall just choose to believe that everything'll be just fine. :) I won't be back till the 15th anyway, and if it's possible, I'll try my best to update Twitter while in India.

Do wish me all the best as far as you can... till then!

Not TGIF, but rather, for the weekend

Woke up at 1.30pm today! Feels so awesome. :) Thank God for the weekend!

The past week has simply been craaaazy. Yesterday was yet another one of those long Fridays again. And seriously, I doubt I've ever had a free Friday when I can just go home after school even once this year. My life's that sad.

Had to bring training attire, my very, very heavy laptop and the usual books and notes to school yesterday because 1. I had PE in the morning, 2. I had yet another PW presentation in the noon and 3. I was (supposed) to have OBI training and then land training after school, after which I would make my way down to Daryl's place for cell group meeting. Can you imagine how refreshing my schedule was?!

I really, really loathe school now because of all the presentation sessions; it just means that I'll have to always carry a heavy laptop to school because right now, I'm the only person in the group who has one. Actually, someone else used to do the bringing, but apparently he lost his charger in the school we conducted our project's pilot test in. =_=' He didn't show up yesterday anyway, so it made no difference... I'd still have to bring it.

After school, Ms Quek called Fransisca and told her that our PW report has been graded. So in the end, I went for an impromptu meeting with Ms Quek to discuss the report, and it didn't end until about 7pm. And that's how I completely missed all the training sessions I was supposed to go for after school. I would so rather train, though. :S

Michelle & Amira waited in the room for us to finish, after which we went down to Mac's together with Cally. Kai Yuan joined us a while later.

Were happily munching on our fries and talking over the meal, when Michelle started noticing this woman who kept looking at our direction and smiling whenever one of us glanced at her. We feared that she'd approach us sooner or later, but she really did in the end, and she got Kai Yuan to help her set up Internet on her iPhone. As expected of weird people (sorry but, yeah =_='), she didn't even have Internet access in the first place, so Kai Yuan had to let her use the Internet provided by his iPhone. After he fixed the Internet, she walked away, so he went all, "I think she's gonna come back soon because my Internet can only reach that far". And after he said that, everyone on the table gave this why-the-heck-did-you-just-let-her-use-your-Internet kind of face. HAHA.

After a short while, this plump man who looked almost exactly like the weird woman came in and sat near us. When I first saw him I thought the woman really returned, and Michelle went all "I know right?!". We didn't notice him walking back to buy his food, so when we were discussing about whether the woman will return, we saw him walk back to his seat again and once again, everyone of us had a mini heart-attack, hahaha. But the weirdness didn't stop there; shortly after, Cally went, "She's back again. I'm serious". And voila, we saw her again, and she even approached us once more. And as expected, she was rambling about how her connection broke, and tried to get everyone of us to fix it back. =_=' We made her leave our table in the end.

Seriously can't take weird people... and that's precisely the reason why I started disliking Bedok since yesterday.

Went down to Daryl's place after dinner for cell group meeting with Tina. It was great! :) Been really long ever since I sat for such an insightful message, though I don't mean it's bad that usually, we would gather and share our experiences and revelations. I couldn't really concentrate during P&W though, probably because I was just too tired. There's only so much I can take, and this week had drained me completely.

Reached home around 11, and that marked the end to a really, really long Friday. Gonna rest all I can... before starting on my revision for Chinese. :(