Came back here, revamped this place and shook things up a little solely because for the past few days, there has been a voice in my head urging me to write down whatever thoughts I longed to express. Of course, I could have recalled the existence of this thing called a 'blog' much earlier, and that's when I also agree that it takes a hell of a battle against procrastination to get back to blogging again. I guess I had too much running through my head, such that the more I don't blog, the more I don't feel like blogging. You can also look at this entry disdainfully in the name of bad excuses, but regardless of everything else, I'm here. No more empty promises about staying for good this time, though.
2013 hasn't exactly been a great year for me, and this is still true even against 2012 as a grim backdrop. The past 2 years have desensitised me quite a bit, and right now it's still safe to say that not much progress has been made when it comes to attempts at reinvigorating myself. I guess on the surface my mood did improve, what with all the new changes thrown in my direction and all. Enlisted for NS at the end of last year and from where I am now, I'm merely a month away from POP and moving on to (hopefully) greater callings. During the 3 months and counting, I made a couple of close friends, improved my physical fitness, and did quite a lot of military-related stuff (though most of the times they were tangled in much red tape). My point is that things did seem to change slightly for the better, though as the days passed, whatever that was wired to emotion inside of me reached a plateau. As much as I enjoy being a recruit, I do know it myself that I'm not exactly cut out for a military lifestyle, and when all my mistakes and incompetencies eventually began to come up one after another, life in the army got slightly heavy and well, tiring.
That wouldn't have been much of a problem if not for everything that happened at the beginning of March and beyond. I wouldn't say that it was a turning point which seriously affected and changed my life, but it did remind me of harsh realities I didn't exactly want to confront. Yet the funny thing is that I've been fighting against them all my life. Opened March to mediocre A-Level results that I didn't at all expect, and that just set off a chain reaction which left me pretty empty and mildly depressed inside. I guess it's this lack of performance in both my academic and professional fronts that led me to feel this way now. I'm not a person who goes through some sort of ridiculous struggle that involves straight 'U' grades yet who manages to pull off a solid miracle right when it matters the most, neither am I a person who's so amazingly progressive or consistent such that I'll be sure I'd definitely perform well even under great pressure. Honestly speaking, when I collected that result slip, I was so overwhelmed by my own mediocrity, and I felt as if I did myself a favour by living up to my own expectations of not being able to perform well. And I guess that kinda explains why I was still so calm even after I got to know about my grades. I mean, the past 2 years have just exposed me to so many displays of overachievement which only reminded me that I had no choice but to work around the paltry limits I was assigned. And the climax takes the stage right when you think you're finally making good strides during the last lap, only to crash and burn at the end.
I guess everything here simply boils down to how, as of late, I had to live with so many things unresolved. There were just too many things I didn't understand, like how when I was slogging through field camp and tough physical training and I thought about why I was doing what I did when nothing's gonna work out in the end, or those moments of reflection when I would just make comparisons of myself I knew very well were invalid against others and I thought about why my life couldn't be as smooth sailing as theirs, as far as their 'suffering' goes. I guess not a lot of people would empathise with me here, but this is really my life right now. All the important things I yearned for - I didn't get them at the end. And this is really something, considering how it has come from a person who's usually positively taking challenges in his stride.
They say this is the start of a new season, and I couldn't agree more. I guess the fact that I don't understand so many things right now compels me to search into the depths of my spiritual soul. To lean less on my own understanding, but more on His. From here, I'm definitely going to different places, and I'm definitely gonna make new decisions. And all I can do right now is just have faith that this vagueness wouldn't keep at it for any longer, that in the near future, the answers I long for will eventually appear.
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