Begin again

To think that I never would've even imagined myself being where I am now just last year came as quite the shocker to me. After service tonight, a few cell group mates from poly who enlisted not long ago shared with us their experiences in and thoughts toward BMT, most of which were, frankly, rather expected and unsurprising as far as a recruit's life is concerned. They rambled on about their expectations beyond BMT, all of which obviously didn't broach the possibility of being sent directly to a unit, because well, "who doesn't want to go to command school?". Nevertheless, it was enjoyable catching up with them, and seeing how they waxed lyrical about their training, buddies and takeaways with wide-eyed excitement, I would genuinely be surprised if they didn't manage to get to where they wanted to go beyond their POP. But of course, the SAF being the SAF, it's still advisable to leave plenty of room to the imagination – one can never know how lucky (or unlucky) he can possibly get, until he really gets to where he's assigned.

Inevitably, all that discussion about 'every Singaporean son's rite of passage' led me to reflect, once again (I know, I know), on my personal experiences with NS, and I feel that it's high time I shared about why as of late, they have left me so jaded.

Recalling a conversation with one very lucky friend of mine a couple nights ago, I couldn't help but envy how he could so casually say that he didn't regret a single thing that's happened to him/that he's done in his stint with NS, as if it was a state which just naturally and eagerly embraced him like a warm blanket. Because I felt like there was so much to regret. And because I felt like all of that regret was just growing and burgeoning within me, threatening to burst open my lungs and my heart and my brain and just... everything I am.

It doesn't help at all that I'm still booking in to camp and staying in every week, and these three months leading to ORD have never felt longer. Right now, everyone there just reminds me of how unhappy and unfulfilled I am with my journey this year. I wish all of us remained together during the times we didn't. I wish I was with them on the trips they went for without me. I wish I was given more experiences to grow myself and to learn. I wish I wasn't so invisible. And most importantly, I wish to finally come to terms with this state of affairs I'm in eventually, no matter how long it takes, because there's no longer anything I can do to change it.

It's so difficult being the one who stays; the one who's always left behind. Sure, for the one who packs his bags and leaves, he gets whisked away into somewhere foreign, where at that point in time, he won't be able say for sure if he's going to thrive or not. However, the uncertainty felt, as much as it can prove to be stifling, is also a platform for growth. Good or bad, it signifies change and a possibility for progress. As for the one who gets left behind, though, it's a different story – and for me, it was, more often than not, one of mind-numbing waiting and stagnancy. Waiting alone also adds a whole new dimension to that particular situation, because one can be sure that nobody else will be able to fully empathise and understand.

I'm telling myself that it's okay to keep asking myself 'why' without being able to do anything about what's bothering me. It's okay, because I need to get these sentiments out of my system once and for all, and so that I can finally seek closure, or at least a semblance of it. It's okay, because I need to start building up my self-esteem which has, over the past few weeks, been debilitating at a disturbing rate (and it's not like it was good to begin with).

In a few years' time, I'll most probably look back at this entry, appalled at how immature and single-minded I was. "Because tigers don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep," they would say. And honestly, they're right. Even now, I'm bending wholeheartedly to the will of an organisation who will never truly know my worth, and I personally find that pretty laughable. But in time, I believe I'll come to accept the fact that things happened the way they did, and as for what time can't solve, I will solve myself, with my own two hands, my own two feet, and my own beating heart.

Reflecting upon all this, the blood courses through my veins especially fast. I'm only a few months of agonising patience away from finally beginning again, and I'm helplessly overcome both by fear and anticipation. In all honesty, I don't know what will become of me at all, but there's not a choice. I have to move forward, and I have to try my best and carve out hope and possibility for myself, after learning that I should never depend on another to do it.

And to everyone who has never stopped believing in who I can possibly be and where I can possibly go, thank you. You'll never know how much that means to me.

The little things

I thought about what I would miss most about 42, and the corridor right outside my bunk was the first to come up in my mind.

Of course, this is not borne of a strange, outlandish interest in the mundane architecture of the battalion, though I have to admit that I do find the 90's, functional look of the buildings here rather charming at times... well, before they were repainted in an ugly colour scheme, at least. But I digress.

I believe that after I permanently leave this place in December, I will miss the corridor for all the peaceful moments it has brought me – all the nights I rested my elbows on the railings or roamed up and down the aisle while listening to music, chatting with my parents over the phone, making conversation, or simply looking out into the cool evening sky during the moments before going to bed, to name a few.

Corridors are terribly underrated where I am, with many of my platoon mates whiling away their free time in the evenings either playing pool and video games in the Cove (our version of a leisure room), or slacking in the bunks. Of course, even I don't spend all my time out in the corridor loitering about, and forgetting to spend some time out there is very much natural. Rather, I believe the corridor is more of a representation of all the seemingly insignificant moments during my time in NS, many of which left indelible impressions in my heart.

I guess I can never help the fact that it's always the little things that get to me. Of course, should I meet with my friends from NS at a time after all of us have moved on and forged our respective paths, I'm pretty certain that we would first reminisce about all the big things – the tough field exercises, memories from the days when we were still trainees in our courses, the funny stories about our fellow platoon mates, commanders and enciks... and the list goes on and on. And as much as all of these will be given its rightful place in memory, what I will remember most dearly comes in moments.

I have been spending the past few nights listening to Corrinne May on repeat out along the corridors. Her songs always whisk me back to the days I spent as a recce trainee in PLC last year, and I remember vividly how I would listen to 'Safe In A Crazy World' while lying on my bed during the nights following a long, exhausting day of training, with the humming of distant traffic outside the window and the rapid whirring of the ceiling fan keeping me company. Looking back, it was nice how so much peace could still well inside me, despite the busyness of those days.

They're right when they say that one day, we will look back and realise that the little things were actually the big things. I imagine myself turning around, and a stream of images flash through my eyes in quick succession. Looking up to a starry night sky from an open field in camp. Gazing blankly at rush hour crowds in the bus after a tiring day in the driving circuit. Having a casual conversation with a friend which turned out to be enriching in ways I have never previously imagined. And all these images just keep flowing in.

It's funny how the most random and unimportant scenes can end up inextricably tied to an important value or lesson one gains in a certain journey.

And it's even funnier, how it's the little things that move us along.

A reminder to live

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

So many disjointed thoughts to put into organised, flowing paragraphs of words lately, but one thing's for sure: this week saw a strangely fulfilling kind of happiness.

It's no surprise that I would very much rather be busy like many of my other friends right now, many of whom are either in university or slogging away for their holiday jobs following their graduation from poly. I'm the kind of person who prefers to keep myself occupied, especially since the daily grind of my life in the army has long gotten to me, and I long to embark on a productive and meaningful journey once again. Seeing how many of them are either learning brand new lessons and picking up valuable skills in exchange for hard-earned money in the workplace, chasing their passions in their chosen field of study and taking risks by trying something new despite not being entirely sure of what they really want, or even travelling to faraway lands on missions and adventures that they're curious and excited about, I'm in equal parts happy for them, and a little sad for myself. It's always a blessing to know remarkable people who push forth courageously in their pursuit of growth and self-improvement, but it gets a little lonely sometimes, when all you seem to be doing is just gaze at them from the sidelines. Nevertheless, if anything, this week convinced me that my life really isn't as much of a sad story as I seem to always portray it to be – something which made me happy in a pretty special way.

What I'm about to say next may come across as a little too cheesy, but I'm endlessly thankful for my friends who are always sharing with me their stories and experiences, and the many lessons they have learned. It's one thing to be pressured to always be productive and on the move, and another to be utterly bored with nothing to do. Yet when it comes to truly living, it's a completely different ball game. This week, I saw how my friends could possibly teach me to live, through the invaluable mutual sharing of insights, ideas, thoughts... and the list goes on and on. It also felt like it has been a long time since I last genuinely connected with the people I care about, but the truth is, I've been doing it all along – I just failed to notice it while I was so caught up with my own frustrations over how my own life has seemed to come to a standstill. Ironically.

I've come to realise that life moves pretty fast, whether or not we're keeping ourselves busy or just chilling, and what really makes it remarkable is the value of our introspection and our reflections. Like a close friend of mine said, it's not time and experiences that teach, despite how many of us would think. We can live our lives going through the motions and deeming as many events as we want dull and forgettable, and they'd still be the same time that has passed and the same experiences that we've been through. What actually matters is whether we choose to look close enough. To ignite those epiphanies that can potentially change the way we look at the world and at ourselves. The realisations that serve as reminders for us to live.

I've been spending quite a lot of time with these two girls lately, and trust me, these photos are not the last you're going to see of them in this post. If there's one thing that I really find sweet of them, it's the way they constantly affirm my photography skills, even if I personally feel that they're not yet of a satisfactory standard. It also helps that they're rather... vain, too – put a budding photographer together with people who love having photos of themselves taken, and you'll (almost) always find yourself in a win-win situation. Needless to say, I appreciate their (especially Xiaoshi's) obsession over OOTD and profile shots, both for their confidence in expressing their style, and for all the little photo opportunities they present me.

Booked out unexpectedly early this week, so I was glad that they were coincidentally free at the time I left camp too. We met at Jem for an impromptu meal together on Thursday night, following which we strolled from mall to mall, talking about almost everything under the sun. They mentioned about how they really enjoy the chance we had to meet up, citing examples of how they occasionally felt stifled in their schools and/or workplaces when it comes to communicating with their friends/colleagues, but what was really nice was the fact that they acknowledged the ease with which we could get along, free of awkward judgment and measured diplomacy. I agree with them wholeheartedly of course, but after putting things into perspective for a bit, I realised that there's also value in differences and clashes in personalities, but only if we see meaning in reconciling them. I couldn't help but hark back to the KL trip with Yi Ren & Sheryl, where there were countless times when we disagreed completely with one another, from ways of doing things to the planning of the itinerary. Regardless, we made an effort to listen to one another and to air our concerns before reaching a mutual consensus, and thinking about it, I really do appreciate this honesty I share with many of my friends, and with these two as well, of course!

Saturday evening saw more OOTD shots, dinner with the cell group at a new, cozy location at Outram Park, and late night hangs at the Starbucks @ the Fullerton Waterboat House, a haunt we've been frequenting lately. Overall, 'twas a great night of quality conversations and simple joys.

We cycled from Pasir Ris Park to Punggol Waterway this morning, rounding off three consecutive meet-ups with Xiaoshi & Yuyun, as well as fulfilling the unspoken promise I made with Cliff to embark on a nature activity with him before he leaves for China next month. Initially, we planned to trek from Bukit Batok Nature Park to Dairy Farm Nature Park/Bukit Timah Nature Reserve, but the forecast of rain in the early morning ended up foiling our plans. Thank God for our god-sent tendencies toward spontaneity, though, for we still found a way to have fun in the end. It's a joy going for such trips with this group of friends also because they tend to be fascinated by the littlest things and the simplest beauties. It definitely helps to be around an excitable bunch!

So this marks the end of a great week, and the anticipation of many more to follow. Thankful for the reminders for happiness, and the many small adventures. As much as I'm always raring to go and move on from this current phase of my life, it definitely pays to slow down a little, to look closely, to feel, and to not pressurise and rush myself all the time.

To Anne

So much time has passed, and it borders on unsettling, how it wasn't until yesterday night when I was somehow thinking about Aunty that I realised it has been years since the last time my mother at least treated her work ethic with a measure of sternness, however slight, and that it's also been such a long time since she last teased her with light-hearted chiding, saying things like, “Maridel (our previous housemaid) worked in our house for a good six years before leaving for home, do you think you can outlast her?”.

After a good 10 years of service, Anne's become a constant and indispensable part of our family. Far from the times when my mother still saw it necessary to enforce strongly her house rules and standards of discipline as with a normal employer-employee relationship, we have long embraced her as someone within and not without, and likewise, she has come to live comfortably in our humble 4-room flat; a second home to call her own. Yet through all these changes, she has remained unfailingly quiet and gentle such as to not have left even the slightest dent in our day-to-day affairs, and if I were to look at these 10 years with her in our home as a summary, she'd be like the details of a painting while we were the subject – deceptively insignificant on her own, but able to lend much depth and colour to whichever lives she offers herself to.

In slightly more than a year's time, she would have to leave as we inevitably make changes to the way we live and function as a household. Needless to say, I've already felt a slight twinge of regret from this impending loss, and when the time comes, it's only going to roll in like waves pounding the shore, in all its shades of bittersweet. I'm guessing the main reason why I'm harbouring such strong feelings even now is the sense that a lot of time has already slipped away somehow; that despite having known her for 10 years and counting, I could've connected with her much better, and understood so much more of what makes her the person she is. It's like trying to collect water from a stream with cupped hands, only to have it seep through the line where the sides of both palms touch, giving way more often than holding together. Regardless, I could always convince myself that it just wasn't in my nature to try harder, that much of the time was simply meant to be lost anyway, but I guess it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. If only there was a language for all our silences in the past; if only this understanding was more plain and obvious.

Nevertheless, regardless of whatever futile attempts at salvaging time which had been lost long ago, one thing's for sure: as a family, we would be able to bid our farewell while in complete ease with ourselves. And I guess that will also be the best reward we can offer to Anne in return for her invaluable service – making sure she lived well and ate well during the time she spent with us. To leave all that she has ever known 10 years ago, submit herself to the mercy of foreign shores, and not know at all what was in store for her – I can honestly only imagine the courage it took her. Yet it was but an act borne out of necessity, even a rite of passage, in her homeland, where times can be tough and domestic jobs unable to pay well enough.

I remember how our distant relatives would confront and critique my mother for making Anne's job too easy for her every Chinese New Year. “Why is she dressing so shabbily? I suggest you tell her to start carrying herself well and with greater discipline,” they would ask in Hokkien, and at times when her housekeeping was not up to expectations, my mother would also start questioning herself, casually saying in Chinese that she's spoiled her too much (in full knowledge that she knows a fair bit of the language). But at the end of the day, I know my mother can't possibly bring herself to go too hard on Anne, simply because she respects her. That's just how my family works, and for that, I really look up to my parents.

I guess I would still be complaining about how I didn't exactly learn to break out from this sheltered lifestyle my parents painstakingly created for me, and thus resent the fact that we have a housemaid, provided that I didn't seize the many opportunities to be independent that came my way despite having someone at home helping us out – and that was definitely not the case. Through the years, I've come to understand that just because one has a housemaid, it doesn't make him part of the 'strawberry generation', or any classification which suggests that youth these days ride uselessly on the privilege of their parents. In fact, I would say having Anne around has given me more time to grow and involve myself in various other pursuits, although I may not have recognised it at the start. In some way or another, I've emerged as a better person, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

So much time has passed, and all of this will eventually be no more. But although there's so much more that could have been done, and so many more goodbyes to reluctantly utter and hellos to warmly embrace, it was, and will be, enough. Thank you Anne, for teaching me so much about life and people, whether knowingly or not.

KL

Just returned from KL yesterday morning, and I personally think the amazing city deserves more credit. Putting myself out there, getting lost, and roaming the city like locals do in a place where opulence and glitz coexist in harmony with unkempt streets and paint chipping off walls turned out to be more enjoyable than I thought, and though different from the well-organized infrastructure back in Singapore, it is by no means inferior. KL is a city with apparent room for improvement – it's vibrant and in constant flux, perfectly OK with not being squeaky clean, immaculate, or a haven for breeding sheltered, idyllic lifestyles, and that is what makes the city intriguing. It's far from perfect, but it's perfectly authentic.

This KL trip was also the first time I roamed a bustling city on my own, free from the assurance of family and the itinerary of guided tours. This also meant that nothing came between us and the locals, and there were definitely noteworthy experiences from interacting with them. To say the least, it wasn't until I was independent in the heart of the city that I realised Singapore has coddled me in excessive comfort. It did shock me quite a bit to see several homeless people taking refuge in the corners of the most affluent parts of the city, and until this trip, we never had to doubt that our taxi drivers would bring us to our destination. These two days in KL, although short, made me realise a lot about myself and society as a whole, be it what I can offer with the privileges that I have been showered with, or how I should learn to trust strangers more and to take greater risks.

I believe this trip has further opened my mind to many valuable lessons and realizations that I can never glean in small, comfortable Singapore. Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort – it's at times even instinctive, but I will strive to never regret any opportunities for more diversified experiences should they come my way in the future.

Better days

I've been spending an hour or so walking around a place of choice as some sort of citizen-tourist after booking out these two weeks. Spurred on by interesting photos of Singapore I saw on the internet and all over Instagram, I decided to go on similar, sporadic photography trips of my own, and they've turned out to be surprisingly fulfilling. :) Up till recently, I was accustomed to a mindset of convenience and practicality when it comes to travelling in Singapore, always either taking the usual public transport routes to get to the same few places I usually frequent, travelling for the sake of meeting friends and accomplishing tasks rather than as an end in itself, or choosing to be driven around by car whenever we go out as a family. Though such habits have nonetheless made me well-acquainted with generally many places across Singapore (for after all, it's still a little red dot on the world map), there remains places I have never bothered to set foot in or explore properly. So on Wednesday, I walked around Taman Jurong Estate and the immediate vicinity surrounding Lakeside station, and just yesterday, I travelled by foot from Tanjong Pagar station to Chinatown, with the aims of simply taking in the various sights and sounds, and finding new perspectives from which to document Singapore. Being alone with myself and visiting the places I'd like to properly see and explore without being detoured by a partner proved to be more enjoyable than I thought. Of course, going for photography trips with friends – especially with those who have similar interests – can definitely enrich the experience, and it's been great having a few of them willing to participate in such journeys with me. Glad to have invested in a hobby of some sorts in which I can both enjoy at my own leisure and utilise as an avenue for bonding. :)

In other news, some updates dating from a few weeks back till today:

Some photos from the Friday four (!!) weeks ago. Had an impromptu photography session with Rashid & Sylvia at Fort Canning Park and National Museum of Singapore before chilling with some drinks at SMU, followed by a men's meeting organized by my church with some of the guys from E391 which turned out better than I expected. Managed to bond with a few other guys from EC Zone through a food hunt for which we pretty much failed terribly, but it's alright – there wouldn't be an opportunity for us to meet otherwise, and it was humbling learning about their personal experiences and backgrounds. Admittedly, I was skeptical about the whole event at first, but of course, I didn't  regret turning up after it all ended. :)

Labour Day (three Thursdays ago) was spent with Yi Ren & Sheryl at the Marina area. Initially we met up with the intention of cementing our plans for a short trip to KL (which thankfully has already been settled as of now), but it just ended up being one of those random walks round town for gazing at the same old city lights and having the same old idle conversations. It was a good respite from the stifling atmosphere back in camp though, speaking of which that particular week wasn't too bad, actually. Had a recce skills evaluation which my team fared pretty well in – something completely unexpected considering the lack of training prior to the test.

For my night out on Wednesday, I planned to meet Rashid & Sylvia for a short catch-up session. Was initially keen on catching the new Spider-Man movie with them, until Sylvia said that she's already watched it... much to no one's surprise, actually. After all, when it comes to watching Marvel movies together, chances are at least one of your friends have already watched it before /shrugs.

With the movies crossed off our already short list of things-we-could-do, we decided to settle with coffee, which brought us to our next challenge – settling on a nice and accessible café to meet. There's a considerable number of cafés that dot the West Coast and Bukit Timah areas near my camp, and I personally have been wanting to try a few of them, notably those near NUS such as W39 Bistro & Revolution Coffee. But in the end, after much light bickering, we decided on D'Good Café at Holland Village, which wasn't exactly among the first few cafés I would think of, but that's just me, because I didn't know that it would be Rashid's and Sylvia's first time at Holland Village... MUCH to my surprise, hahaha. I guess Easties will always be Easties, well unless your camp just happens to be at the other end of Singapore.

Brief as the meet-up was, it was great seeing them again and laughing over the same old stupid things. The waffles from D'Good were good, too – underrated considering how many hobbyist café-hoppers seem to always gush over the waffles from the same few cafés while notably leaving this one out. It's not exactly incredibly crisp with a burnished layer on the outside while fluffy and cottony on the inside like how the food reviewers would put it, but it's definitely good enough to merit a couple of positive reviews.

Headed to Coffee Bean with Rashid after that, where he had his breakfast-for-dinner, rather strange considering how he messed up his order of meals for the day hahaha. Then again, it just goes to show that anytime is a good time for dessert. :) Talked about their upcoming trip to Krabi over his meal, and felt a little regretful that I couldn't make it. Nonetheless, the upcoming short getaway to KL with Sheryl & Yi Ren should compensate for all that I'm going to miss.

Overall, I would say that my days have been slightly better as of late? It comes as a stark contrast against a few weeks ago, during the period when I found myself contemplating my existing friendships and the problems faced when it comes to maintaining them. I'm trying harder to keep everyone in mind right now, and hopefully the efforts will pay off in the long run. As much as I'm better off on my own most of the time being the introvert I am, and despite how I'm an adaptable person who takes changes in my stride, I have to decide that I still do need some of the people I've met in the past as my close friends. I shouldn't be too eager to let go, to dismiss the distance that results from a lack of effort as differences that can no longer be reconciled. And as I work harder on this aspect of life, I definitely hope that I'll be seeing yet another opportunity for personal growth.

Of friendships and taking two hands to clap

I've been thinking a lot about my friendships the past week, mainly because it struck me that without warning, they may be gone someday, regardless of whether I hold them close to my heart or not. The separations may not actually be (directly) due to my own shortcomings to begin with – after all, it takes two hands to clap, so they're also at the mercy of the other party's expectations and priorities. And it is precisely because relationships are cooperative in nature that a lot of us emphasise on values such as commitment, understanding and compromise when it comes to maintaining them. Yet no matter how aware I am of this, I'm afraid that I'm always growing comfortable too quickly, and always taking for granted the situation that brought the two of us together as good friends, as if it's going to be permanent, and as if we're not going to be whisked away to completely different places when we least expect it.

I think about the good times I've had with the people whom I currently keep in close contact with, and I wonder how we will change with the passage of time. For some, I've already been in their lives for seven years and counting, and it's for these friendships that I'm most worried – are we going to realise, a few years after life leads us to our respective greener pastures, that we've never really understood each other and that our personalities actually clash in ways we've never imagined before? It's indisputable that I'll definitely put in the effort to preserve these relationships – they're simply way too precious for me to just let them go like they're nothing. What I'm not sure of is whether they'll do the same, and it's not that I don't have faith in them – it actually amazes me sometimes how well we can act as pillars of support for one another – but simply because I can't say for sure.

Then there's the group of them who sincerely clock hours for all the 'we really need to meet up soon's and the 'it's been long, why don't we catch up again sometime?'s, in an effort to deal with the aftermath of having been physically separated. Yet I can't help but feel that as of late, it's increasingly become a case of applauding intentions and accepting that we've been separated by too much time. It makes me profoundly ambivalent, how there's no longer common ground to tie us together, and this stems from a combination of boredom over how there's nothing special to share or listen to anymore, happiness over how we're still trying to make things work despite all that's changed, and uncertainty over whether we'll meet again in the near future. It feels kind of funny, really, like volunteering to walk a tightrope, or willing oneself to hang freely off a cliff. The option to give up and say 'no' is always there, yet we've continued holding on to one another, maybe because there's always a remote possibility that someday, the lines that we are will once again converge.

I've also been grappling with yet another type of problem in my friendships lately: the friendship of unequal expectations, i.e. to think that everything about the friendship has been sailing smoothly, when in fact it hasn't for the other party. And I have to say that it's really eye-opening, how pride can get in the way of solving such problems. Also, I guess that through this experience, I've gained some much-needed insight into how different people perceive their relationships, though I'm definitely not obliged to agree with them of course. It really takes situations like these to once again remind me that life, in all its aspects, is as dynamic as ever. You're dealt with the cards, but it doesn't mean that you win the game. Nevertheless, don't bend yourself to accommodate others if it's not something that you want for yourself as well.

In sum, I thought I've understood enough about relationships to at least keep them... serviceable, if not healthy. Turns out that with this period where I've grown rather detached from the outside world due to NS commitments, it's once again become an area of concern for myself. I guess what's most important for me right now is to evaluate all my existing friendships, and to be reciprocative and proactive when I need to be...

April in an entry

I realised that I've only been writing about my thoughts and reflections lately as opposed to actually documenting the recent goings-on in my life, though it's not like there's a lot going on at the moment anyway (finally, I'm no longer misquoting this '22' reference lol). Still, enough happened this April to warrant an entry!

To start off, I started taking driving lessons last Sunday under the guidance of a private instructor recommended to me through my aunt, and as much as I'm glad to have taken another step towards finally going behind the wheel, I believe that I'm also in for a (literally) bumpy journey. Recalling how I struggled rather terribly with the steep learning curve back when I was learning how to ride a Class 2B bike last year, I definitely have misgivings about my ability to drive well, but no matter – I believe I will still make it in the end, regardless of how unpleasant the experience gets. Even now, after having gone for just two lessons, I've already received quite a fair amount of criticism from my (unfortunately) Chinese-speaking instructor with regards to my ineptness and lack of coordination. But I guess I'll have no choice but to take all of that in my stride and try my best (hopefully he doesn't end up pushing the limits though... ha ha ha).

In other news, my company went to the range last Monday for the second year combat shoot, and it turned out surprisingly well. As usual, I expected myself to be the black sheep that brought my team's overall score down and took away any possibility of ever achieving marksmanship, but the results indicated otherwise. I was even shocked at myself for doing well enough in the individual shoot such that I could also hit the mark to become a marksman. I attribute this to the fact that this year's shoot was much less demanding compared to the utter mess which was last year's – some shooting positions were excluded, leaving behind the manageable ones. I won't admit that my shooting skills have improved though, because if anything, marksmanship is naturally repelled by me – I'm just lucky that it gave me a chance this time (whoop).

Last Wednesday night, the clique (somehow I really hate using this word, but it'd seem awkward if I substituted that with a list of names, idk) from cell group came all the way down to the Wild Wild West to meet me for dinner and a catch-up session. It's actually a follow-up to a rough plan to meet that Huiyen & I casually thought out while on our usual Saturday night bus ride home.

Initially we had trouble finding in a good place to eat, and eventually we  settled with Kungfu Paradise (all in the name of the Bedok Point memories Christon & I had, hahaha). Evidently, we had A LOT of food (as usual), and after a couple of laughs we headed to Westgate in search of a nice rooftop to chill... only to end up playing in the children's playground there instead.

(I find this photo really amusing for some reason, as if we would actually make it to the jacket of a K-Pop album if we tried a little harder)

Haha really thankful that they came down though, there's never a dull moment with these people. :)

Booked out of camp the following night for Good Friday, and reached home just in time for a nice meal with my parents at the zi char place opposite where we live after they were done with their usual evening jog. My mom ordered a little too much food, and my rather hostile reaction to that made me realise that I've been growing increasingly irritable towards her, and I really need to stop that (thankfully though, we ended up having an interesting conversation after dinner that night about the goings-on in her workplace). I'm guessing a reason for this change in attitude is that I've been spending too much time away from home to have a proper conversation with her. Either that, or we've been arguing more often lately because I tend to vent my frustrations on her, which, admittedly, is something I really shouldn't do. Yet as I'm typing all this out on my phone while sitting on my bed in camp, I'm suddenly finding myself missing her a lot. I just wish to be a better son, and I'm definitely still learning (I love you Ma, despite and in spite of everything that may try to drive wedges between us).

Moving on to more lighthearted affairs, I went for the Good Friday service before booking in to do guard duty the next day, and I have to say that I enjoyed the drama production quite a lot this time round! This year, they retold the resurrection of Jesus Christ from a retrospective viewpoint, i.e. they recalled the series of events backwards from Easter, so that's something refreshing and different. That evening was also none other than a timely reminder of the steadfast love that God has for us. Truly Christ is risen and given us new life, and for that I'm thankful. :)

So here I am, back in camp and tossing and turning around on my bed, once again waiting patiently for yet another week to end. Over the next few days, I'll try to post more when I can. There's still quite a lot that I want shared in this place, so I'd better buck up when it comes to cultivating that writing habit. Till then for now!