Just, blah

Sometimes I keep asking myself why. My life just seems so boring and dry now, and I know I'm supposed to cherish how simple March has been, but it's already gone beyond the point where I can still derive a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from what I do, provided I try my best to adjust my attitude and squeeze some optimism out. I just don't know, really - right now things just seem so empty. The company line looks so miserable everyday, no one has much meaningful or productive conversation with one another, the days seem to pass so slowly, and to describe the overall mood as dull would be a gross understatement. Everyone's either staying out and booking in in the morning only to leave in the evening, or malingering at home, refusing to turn up in camp. That leaves just the few of us, but soon some of them will be leaving for their respective courses, and that will leave even fewer of us seemingly perpetually stuck in the same place for the next 8 months or so. To make things worse, I've just been claiming a lot of off days lately, and it kinda gives the impression that I'm either just aimlessly roaming about or wasting away at home, though I have to say that I'm actively trying to prevent that from happening. Lately, I've been engaging in holding myself accountable for my interest in art & design, and by that I mean exploring more methods of making art (e.g. watercolour painting, new styles of sketching & typography, collage, etc.), as well as telling myself to touch Photoshop at least once every weekend. I've also started learning Japanese, although I'm going at a much slower pace than I would like, primarily due to the fact that I've also been catching up on my reading (I'm guilty for buying books and not reading them when I was young, and although I'm much more willing to read nowadays, I hadn't expected that I would've accumulated so many titles). There's still so many things that I want to will myself to do, and right now, I actually believe that if this sort of life persists, I'll eventually at least start on all these things, despite the high initial barriers and my penchant for procrastination.

You may think that's a good thing, which it is actually, but that's not really the point. Recently, I've been catching myself wishing that NS itself would be much more fulfilling than it is now for me way more frequently. Sure, it's easy to find ways to stop feeling like you're wasting your life away if you're willing to. But sometimes, I wish for more actual work, you know? Not the kind where you go down in your admin attire and sweep away the pile of dried leaves off the kerb, but the kind where you're actually participating in a work-related process. I hate to sound haughty (ha, so damn ironic), but sometimes I feel like I should be a 3SG instead, in the sense that I appreciate regular work and having my colleagues at least present when they're supposed to do their job. Or if I knew better, I could have messed up my pre-enlistment medical checkup then and landed a job as an admin clerk. That would work as well, I guess.

Last night when I was still in camp and just back from a night out, a sergeant of mine was lamenting about how we men have it so easy. We could have endless supplies of MCs if we wanted to, and all we had to do most of the time was just sit around and wait for instructions. I knew that he didn't mean a thing he was saying; he was simply generalising the attitude of a man in a bad light while whining about how burdensome his rank was, when it was clear he still wanted it. For not being at the bottom of the hierarchy in a system where hierarchy is everything, and for some measure of pride as a 'commander', of course.

And I still wish I could go overseas on military exchanges this year, but that would be hoping against hope, wouldn't it? To have a fulfilling experience in this place at all would be next to impossible. But I must keep telling myself to be grateful. I must keep trying to fix my attitude and to find ways to believe that things are better than they actually are. I must LET IT GO LOL. That's the only way I'll ever mentally pull through this year.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.
— Douglas Adams

This quote can't be any truer in the particular context of this entry. One day, I'll find myself in a positive working environment which values collaboration over authority, and I'll love what I do and rock at it so I wouldn't have to feel so lousy all the time. Or at least one of those two. I promise.