Begin again

To think that I never would've even imagined myself being where I am now just last year came as quite the shocker to me. After service tonight, a few cell group mates from poly who enlisted not long ago shared with us their experiences in and thoughts toward BMT, most of which were, frankly, rather expected and unsurprising as far as a recruit's life is concerned. They rambled on about their expectations beyond BMT, all of which obviously didn't broach the possibility of being sent directly to a unit, because well, "who doesn't want to go to command school?". Nevertheless, it was enjoyable catching up with them, and seeing how they waxed lyrical about their training, buddies and takeaways with wide-eyed excitement, I would genuinely be surprised if they didn't manage to get to where they wanted to go beyond their POP. But of course, the SAF being the SAF, it's still advisable to leave plenty of room to the imagination – one can never know how lucky (or unlucky) he can possibly get, until he really gets to where he's assigned.

Inevitably, all that discussion about 'every Singaporean son's rite of passage' led me to reflect, once again (I know, I know), on my personal experiences with NS, and I feel that it's high time I shared about why as of late, they have left me so jaded.

Recalling a conversation with one very lucky friend of mine a couple nights ago, I couldn't help but envy how he could so casually say that he didn't regret a single thing that's happened to him/that he's done in his stint with NS, as if it was a state which just naturally and eagerly embraced him like a warm blanket. Because I felt like there was so much to regret. And because I felt like all of that regret was just growing and burgeoning within me, threatening to burst open my lungs and my heart and my brain and just... everything I am.

It doesn't help at all that I'm still booking in to camp and staying in every week, and these three months leading to ORD have never felt longer. Right now, everyone there just reminds me of how unhappy and unfulfilled I am with my journey this year. I wish all of us remained together during the times we didn't. I wish I was with them on the trips they went for without me. I wish I was given more experiences to grow myself and to learn. I wish I wasn't so invisible. And most importantly, I wish to finally come to terms with this state of affairs I'm in eventually, no matter how long it takes, because there's no longer anything I can do to change it.

It's so difficult being the one who stays; the one who's always left behind. Sure, for the one who packs his bags and leaves, he gets whisked away into somewhere foreign, where at that point in time, he won't be able say for sure if he's going to thrive or not. However, the uncertainty felt, as much as it can prove to be stifling, is also a platform for growth. Good or bad, it signifies change and a possibility for progress. As for the one who gets left behind, though, it's a different story – and for me, it was, more often than not, one of mind-numbing waiting and stagnancy. Waiting alone also adds a whole new dimension to that particular situation, because one can be sure that nobody else will be able to fully empathise and understand.

I'm telling myself that it's okay to keep asking myself 'why' without being able to do anything about what's bothering me. It's okay, because I need to get these sentiments out of my system once and for all, and so that I can finally seek closure, or at least a semblance of it. It's okay, because I need to start building up my self-esteem which has, over the past few weeks, been debilitating at a disturbing rate (and it's not like it was good to begin with).

In a few years' time, I'll most probably look back at this entry, appalled at how immature and single-minded I was. "Because tigers don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep," they would say. And honestly, they're right. Even now, I'm bending wholeheartedly to the will of an organisation who will never truly know my worth, and I personally find that pretty laughable. But in time, I believe I'll come to accept the fact that things happened the way they did, and as for what time can't solve, I will solve myself, with my own two hands, my own two feet, and my own beating heart.

Reflecting upon all this, the blood courses through my veins especially fast. I'm only a few months of agonising patience away from finally beginning again, and I'm helplessly overcome both by fear and anticipation. In all honesty, I don't know what will become of me at all, but there's not a choice. I have to move forward, and I have to try my best and carve out hope and possibility for myself, after learning that I should never depend on another to do it.

And to everyone who has never stopped believing in who I can possibly be and where I can possibly go, thank you. You'll never know how much that means to me.

The little things

I thought about what I would miss most about 42, and the corridor right outside my bunk was the first to come up in my mind.

Of course, this is not borne of a strange, outlandish interest in the mundane architecture of the battalion, though I have to admit that I do find the 90's, functional look of the buildings here rather charming at times... well, before they were repainted in an ugly colour scheme, at least. But I digress.

I believe that after I permanently leave this place in December, I will miss the corridor for all the peaceful moments it has brought me – all the nights I rested my elbows on the railings or roamed up and down the aisle while listening to music, chatting with my parents over the phone, making conversation, or simply looking out into the cool evening sky during the moments before going to bed, to name a few.

Corridors are terribly underrated where I am, with many of my platoon mates whiling away their free time in the evenings either playing pool and video games in the Cove (our version of a leisure room), or slacking in the bunks. Of course, even I don't spend all my time out in the corridor loitering about, and forgetting to spend some time out there is very much natural. Rather, I believe the corridor is more of a representation of all the seemingly insignificant moments during my time in NS, many of which left indelible impressions in my heart.

I guess I can never help the fact that it's always the little things that get to me. Of course, should I meet with my friends from NS at a time after all of us have moved on and forged our respective paths, I'm pretty certain that we would first reminisce about all the big things – the tough field exercises, memories from the days when we were still trainees in our courses, the funny stories about our fellow platoon mates, commanders and enciks... and the list goes on and on. And as much as all of these will be given its rightful place in memory, what I will remember most dearly comes in moments.

I have been spending the past few nights listening to Corrinne May on repeat out along the corridors. Her songs always whisk me back to the days I spent as a recce trainee in PLC last year, and I remember vividly how I would listen to 'Safe In A Crazy World' while lying on my bed during the nights following a long, exhausting day of training, with the humming of distant traffic outside the window and the rapid whirring of the ceiling fan keeping me company. Looking back, it was nice how so much peace could still well inside me, despite the busyness of those days.

They're right when they say that one day, we will look back and realise that the little things were actually the big things. I imagine myself turning around, and a stream of images flash through my eyes in quick succession. Looking up to a starry night sky from an open field in camp. Gazing blankly at rush hour crowds in the bus after a tiring day in the driving circuit. Having a casual conversation with a friend which turned out to be enriching in ways I have never previously imagined. And all these images just keep flowing in.

It's funny how the most random and unimportant scenes can end up inextricably tied to an important value or lesson one gains in a certain journey.

And it's even funnier, how it's the little things that move us along.

April in an entry

I realised that I've only been writing about my thoughts and reflections lately as opposed to actually documenting the recent goings-on in my life, though it's not like there's a lot going on at the moment anyway (finally, I'm no longer misquoting this '22' reference lol). Still, enough happened this April to warrant an entry!

To start off, I started taking driving lessons last Sunday under the guidance of a private instructor recommended to me through my aunt, and as much as I'm glad to have taken another step towards finally going behind the wheel, I believe that I'm also in for a (literally) bumpy journey. Recalling how I struggled rather terribly with the steep learning curve back when I was learning how to ride a Class 2B bike last year, I definitely have misgivings about my ability to drive well, but no matter – I believe I will still make it in the end, regardless of how unpleasant the experience gets. Even now, after having gone for just two lessons, I've already received quite a fair amount of criticism from my (unfortunately) Chinese-speaking instructor with regards to my ineptness and lack of coordination. But I guess I'll have no choice but to take all of that in my stride and try my best (hopefully he doesn't end up pushing the limits though... ha ha ha).

In other news, my company went to the range last Monday for the second year combat shoot, and it turned out surprisingly well. As usual, I expected myself to be the black sheep that brought my team's overall score down and took away any possibility of ever achieving marksmanship, but the results indicated otherwise. I was even shocked at myself for doing well enough in the individual shoot such that I could also hit the mark to become a marksman. I attribute this to the fact that this year's shoot was much less demanding compared to the utter mess which was last year's – some shooting positions were excluded, leaving behind the manageable ones. I won't admit that my shooting skills have improved though, because if anything, marksmanship is naturally repelled by me – I'm just lucky that it gave me a chance this time (whoop).

Last Wednesday night, the clique (somehow I really hate using this word, but it'd seem awkward if I substituted that with a list of names, idk) from cell group came all the way down to the Wild Wild West to meet me for dinner and a catch-up session. It's actually a follow-up to a rough plan to meet that Huiyen & I casually thought out while on our usual Saturday night bus ride home.

Initially we had trouble finding in a good place to eat, and eventually we  settled with Kungfu Paradise (all in the name of the Bedok Point memories Christon & I had, hahaha). Evidently, we had A LOT of food (as usual), and after a couple of laughs we headed to Westgate in search of a nice rooftop to chill... only to end up playing in the children's playground there instead.

(I find this photo really amusing for some reason, as if we would actually make it to the jacket of a K-Pop album if we tried a little harder)

Haha really thankful that they came down though, there's never a dull moment with these people. :)

Booked out of camp the following night for Good Friday, and reached home just in time for a nice meal with my parents at the zi char place opposite where we live after they were done with their usual evening jog. My mom ordered a little too much food, and my rather hostile reaction to that made me realise that I've been growing increasingly irritable towards her, and I really need to stop that (thankfully though, we ended up having an interesting conversation after dinner that night about the goings-on in her workplace). I'm guessing a reason for this change in attitude is that I've been spending too much time away from home to have a proper conversation with her. Either that, or we've been arguing more often lately because I tend to vent my frustrations on her, which, admittedly, is something I really shouldn't do. Yet as I'm typing all this out on my phone while sitting on my bed in camp, I'm suddenly finding myself missing her a lot. I just wish to be a better son, and I'm definitely still learning (I love you Ma, despite and in spite of everything that may try to drive wedges between us).

Moving on to more lighthearted affairs, I went for the Good Friday service before booking in to do guard duty the next day, and I have to say that I enjoyed the drama production quite a lot this time round! This year, they retold the resurrection of Jesus Christ from a retrospective viewpoint, i.e. they recalled the series of events backwards from Easter, so that's something refreshing and different. That evening was also none other than a timely reminder of the steadfast love that God has for us. Truly Christ is risen and given us new life, and for that I'm thankful. :)

So here I am, back in camp and tossing and turning around on my bed, once again waiting patiently for yet another week to end. Over the next few days, I'll try to post more when I can. There's still quite a lot that I want shared in this place, so I'd better buck up when it comes to cultivating that writing habit. Till then for now!

Just, blah

Sometimes I keep asking myself why. My life just seems so boring and dry now, and I know I'm supposed to cherish how simple March has been, but it's already gone beyond the point where I can still derive a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from what I do, provided I try my best to adjust my attitude and squeeze some optimism out. I just don't know, really - right now things just seem so empty. The company line looks so miserable everyday, no one has much meaningful or productive conversation with one another, the days seem to pass so slowly, and to describe the overall mood as dull would be a gross understatement. Everyone's either staying out and booking in in the morning only to leave in the evening, or malingering at home, refusing to turn up in camp. That leaves just the few of us, but soon some of them will be leaving for their respective courses, and that will leave even fewer of us seemingly perpetually stuck in the same place for the next 8 months or so. To make things worse, I've just been claiming a lot of off days lately, and it kinda gives the impression that I'm either just aimlessly roaming about or wasting away at home, though I have to say that I'm actively trying to prevent that from happening. Lately, I've been engaging in holding myself accountable for my interest in art & design, and by that I mean exploring more methods of making art (e.g. watercolour painting, new styles of sketching & typography, collage, etc.), as well as telling myself to touch Photoshop at least once every weekend. I've also started learning Japanese, although I'm going at a much slower pace than I would like, primarily due to the fact that I've also been catching up on my reading (I'm guilty for buying books and not reading them when I was young, and although I'm much more willing to read nowadays, I hadn't expected that I would've accumulated so many titles). There's still so many things that I want to will myself to do, and right now, I actually believe that if this sort of life persists, I'll eventually at least start on all these things, despite the high initial barriers and my penchant for procrastination.

You may think that's a good thing, which it is actually, but that's not really the point. Recently, I've been catching myself wishing that NS itself would be much more fulfilling than it is now for me way more frequently. Sure, it's easy to find ways to stop feeling like you're wasting your life away if you're willing to. But sometimes, I wish for more actual work, you know? Not the kind where you go down in your admin attire and sweep away the pile of dried leaves off the kerb, but the kind where you're actually participating in a work-related process. I hate to sound haughty (ha, so damn ironic), but sometimes I feel like I should be a 3SG instead, in the sense that I appreciate regular work and having my colleagues at least present when they're supposed to do their job. Or if I knew better, I could have messed up my pre-enlistment medical checkup then and landed a job as an admin clerk. That would work as well, I guess.

Last night when I was still in camp and just back from a night out, a sergeant of mine was lamenting about how we men have it so easy. We could have endless supplies of MCs if we wanted to, and all we had to do most of the time was just sit around and wait for instructions. I knew that he didn't mean a thing he was saying; he was simply generalising the attitude of a man in a bad light while whining about how burdensome his rank was, when it was clear he still wanted it. For not being at the bottom of the hierarchy in a system where hierarchy is everything, and for some measure of pride as a 'commander', of course.

And I still wish I could go overseas on military exchanges this year, but that would be hoping against hope, wouldn't it? To have a fulfilling experience in this place at all would be next to impossible. But I must keep telling myself to be grateful. I must keep trying to fix my attitude and to find ways to believe that things are better than they actually are. I must LET IT GO LOL. That's the only way I'll ever mentally pull through this year.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.
— Douglas Adams

This quote can't be any truer in the particular context of this entry. One day, I'll find myself in a positive working environment which values collaboration over authority, and I'll love what I do and rock at it so I wouldn't have to feel so lousy all the time. Or at least one of those two. I promise.

No such thing as enough breaks

This week has been a really refreshing one - probably because I'm only booking in tonight. Requested to clear Monday to Wednesday as off-days, because I figured that there's gonna be nothing much for us to do in camp (I'm probably either right or lucky for this, because it's really either nothing or something we wouldn't deign to do, i.e. SAIKANG). Anyhow, I've been resting out of camp for the past three days, and that's honestly all that matters.

But now that we're on this topic of me being glad that I'm out of camp, I have to say that sometimes, I catch myself wondering whether I'll actually look back at my NS journey in the future with the sense of having accomplished something. I would want to feel bittersweet about the experiences I've had, but seeing how until now, I still seem like a work-in-progress when it comes to reaching a couple of my short-term goals regarding the kind of character I want to have while I'm still an NSF, I'm not really sure about it. Occasionally, my mind nags at me to be more proactive and involved in my work even if it's not something I would choose to do (if I had the choice that is), and until now I still find it a huge struggle. Besides the fact that it's hard to always gnaw at the bullet, do what needs to be done despite the dread and inconvenience and have the right attitude of willingness while on the job, I'm guessing that I'm impeded also because of this diminished sense of pride that comes from always working under someone and being at the bottom of the hierarchy. But from here, I just want to learn to complain less, and to accept that it is the way it is. It's already too late to rewind and change the entire trajectory of my NS journey. Even now, with a considerable amount of time left to go before ORD, I'm already looking forward and thinking of what I would want to do for the next stage of my life. I guess you can say that an imaginary split runs through me and cuts me in half, with one half pushing forward, and the other half stubbornly choosing to stay put. Until I really grasp the idea of being willing and also of being humble when so many others can claim the privilege not to be will I be able to tell myself that yes, I've improved as a person. Ideally, I would want to look back at my NS journey with as little regrets as possible - I'd like to ironically actually miss the times spent in camp, while acknowledging that I wouldn't want to go back.

Grim thoughts aside, this break has been a rather chill one, with some days actually bordering on boring. Lol I guess that no matter how strongly I believe myself to be an introvert, when I really need good company, I need it, and when there's really nothing to do sometimes, damn right there's really nothing to do. Everyone's busy and barely keeping up with their own lives, and though I see myself as privileged that I haven't had a lot going on in mine lately, I'll admit that sometimes, I feel lonely. And I'm also stuck between not wanting to waste my time on company that wouldn't be right for me at that point in time, and hesitating to ask if the person whom I want to meet is free (unfortunately still pretty averse to rejection). Regardless, I shall try to better plan my me-time schedules in the future.

During nights-out on Wednesday, I headed to the Kinokuniya at Jem and got myself two more classics - 'The Great Gatsby' and 'Flowers for Algernon'. I'm sounding more and more like a pseudo ex-Lit student here, but lately I've been interested in modern classics for some reason, probably sparked by '1984' I guess. I still have a slew of non-fiction books (Nick Vujicic, an LKY biography, self-help books etc. etc.) waiting for me to read after I'm done with these two, as well as the 'Divergent' series and probably a few more other series if I'm interested. I'm also intending to get 'And The Mountains Echoed' in paperback from Bookdepository since I can't find it anywhere for now, so this year's probably gonna play out as one of intensive reading. I shall mark this as an accomplishment at the end of the year then!

Managed to spend more time than I usually would with my family this break. Had dinner with them on Friday at a usual 煮炒 place, and on Sunday at yet another usual haunt - Golden Mile Thien Kee Steamboat. If you're part of my family you'll know that there's only so many places we will go to eat - if it's not zhi char or that restaurant in Golden Mile Complex, then it's either Beach Road prawn mee, the famous yong tau foo and bak chor mee at Simpang Bedok, alternating between two or three dimsum restaurants, or Changi Airport. On birthdays, we'll probably have black pepper crab. So I guess all I have to say about us is that we're just simple people like that.

Yet speaking of our tendency towards being rather simple, I'm compelled to relate this to a recent survey result which painted Singapore as the world's most expensive city. As much as it's expensive primarily because of land/geographical constraints that can't be compared against other major cities, there are indeed a lot of things that remain out-of-reach to ordinary Singaporeans. What I'm trying to say is, it's a little lazy to simply dismiss Singaporeans as a bunch of people who 'enjoy a different basket of goods' and who are easily satisfied by the kopi and kaya toast breakfast set at the coffee shop below their HDB block, according to what a few ministers have alleged recently. I believe there are a considerable number Singaporeans who continue to pine for the lifestyles of our country's (filthy) rich, so, with so many government figures going by that argument to defend their stance that Singapore isn't that expensive, I hope they notice that they're actually admitting to inequality and confirming that yes, Singapore is indeed the most expensive city to live in. And while I was typing all of that earlier, I realised it may also be assumed that most Singaporeans are actually happy with a rather simple lifestyle of cheap hawker/coffee shop fare, heartland shopping malls with casual wear brands, etc., which is something I'm not really sure about.

In other news, on Saturday I attended a distant relative's baby shower, but honestly I was just in it for the food, haha. I was also rather fascinated by the use of ang ku kueh, deep red hard-boiled eggs and colourful agar-agar as symbols for Chinese baby showers. Although I'm aware that it's long been part of Chinese culture, I have forgotten this particular aspect for it for quite a while, so it was rather heartening for me - I felt like I was learning more about my history somehow.

Saturday was also the day of Sheryl's NTU hall production at (ironically) NUS UCC, for which Sheryl was the uh... receptionist. Kinda strange and 'no link' but yeah, that's just how it was.

Also really that I made myself available on yesterday night for Clarence's 21st birthday party at NSRCC! Had an enjoyable time and yes, the food was good. HAHA.

So tl;dr: basically, I'm back in camp after a good break, yet I'm already smelling the weekend ahead. And I just wish that every week of my NS life could be like this, though this is but an example of wishful thinking lah.

Back to bored

Finally. A proper entry after so long. For the past few days, I've been reminding myself tirelessly to find a good time to sit down and write, before I forget all the things in February that I want to remember. After all these years, I remain a professional procrastinator. Old habits die really, really hard. They may even be immortal, for all I know.

There won't be anything much for us to do in camp for this week and the next, because most of the company's currently away in India for military exercises. Before they left last weekend, I was half-wishing that I could join them, yet I dismissed that thought almost immediately. I guess this ambivalence stems from the fact that I will no longer be flying overseas with the army during my 2 years in NS. It's good because India has never been a place I've been itching to visit anyway, let alone getting posted there for military exchange. Also, I've been to India before (and I consider myself very, very lucky to have had a great experience there). Nevertheless, the flip side to all this would be that 1. they will be visiting the TAJ MAHAL, the architectural wonder I unfortunately didn't get to see during my last visit, and 2. with the news that we won't be flying to Australia near the end of the year, I feel kinda sad that there'll no longer be an all-expenses-paid trip to Down Under, though I keep telling myself that Queensland's where we're going and there's probably absolutely nothing there besides deserts that stretch in all directions as far as the eye can see (and even farther), and an unhealthy abundance of kangaroos.

Moving on, I went for my first ever running event on Sunday - the 2XU Compression Run. We ran the half-marathon (21.1km), and I have to say that I was pretty glad with my timing of ~2 hours 31 minutes. It's really slow compared to my usual pace (my fastest so far is a timing of 9 minutes 18 seconds for 2.4km, but that's 2.4km after all), but considering the fact that I haven't trained much at all leading up to the run (the farthest I last ran without stopping was 5km during TJ days, and for my trainings this time I clocked at most 4.5km distance-wise), it occurs to me as a reasonable timing. A main reason behind why I didn't really get to train properly was the field exercise in mid-to-late February, but it's mostly because I didn't have much will to. Condemn my logic if you must, but I've never really wanted to focus on cardio because of how skinny I am. I guess I signed up for the 2XU Compression Run this time because I was just in for the experience. I know it's kinda bad to not take it so seriously, and even now I'm questioning myself if that was the right thing to do, regardless of my physical circumstances. All I know is now, I really need to lay out for myself a gym regime if I want to gain the much-needed couple of kilos. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel lousy for eating like an average person and not gaining weight. And on another note, I intend to try for either the Adidas Sundown or Standard Chartered full marathons next year, and this time, I'm gonna train up. So yes - from now, I'm gonna go all (moderately) fitness-crazy for the weekends where the weekdays were pretty easy.

Since there wasn't going to be anything much going on in camp this week, I took an off-day on Monday as I was planning to stay the previous night for my mom's birthday. It turned out to be a pretty good decision because... (try not to judge) rofl I could queue with Sheryl for the Taylor Swift tickets right at the time when they started going on sale on Monday morning. Even now I'm not really sure if I can pry myself off army duties that Thursday night and take leave for both Thursday and Friday to attend Taylor's and Ellie Goulding's concerts, but screw that for the time being - it's still better to be certain that you've secured the tickets you need...!

Also, I've recently got to watching 'Her' and finishing the two similarly-themed books of 'Fahrenheit 451' and '1984'. To be honest, 'Her' was a tad too long for my liking and quite a number of parts bored me to the point where I would pause at those parts or skip over them by doing something else. I appreciated the film's premise though - the lesson learned at the end, if anything, made film-sense (if that's even a word). I feel utterly pretentious now that I'm saying this against previous Tumblr posts of quotes and music from 'Her' (I genuinely liked them), but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one around who does this sort of cherry-picking... ha ha ha /assures self. As for the books, I found 'Fahrenheit 451' pretty bland with its lack of characterisation, unnecessarily descriptive prose and markedly shorter storyline, so you can say I didn't really enjoy it, though there were a couple of takeaways language-wise. On the other hand, I really enjoyed '1984', and I recognise how it's often considered a modern literary classic. George Orwell is just amazing with his words. The final section of the book was simply chilling, and I really appreciated it for the genius that went into the construction and sustainment of this alternate society. And if you haven't read 'Animal Farm' by him either, I highly recommend you do so - it's a really good book by him as well. I'm also contemplating whether I should give his lesser-known essays a chance, but I'll leave that to next time for now.

In other (equally boring) news, smh @ how just passes so slowly in here - I can't believe it's just Thursday. Friday, just come soon and make everything alright.

The week leading to CNY

On Tuesday my battalion organized an exhibition for a group of NUS High School students, so after returning to camp, the (very) few of us were tasked to help set up and arrange a maze room out of our company's lecture room. We used camouflage netting for the ceiling and ground sheets for the windows to block as much light from streaming into the room as possible, and also to make the place seem more ~claustrophobic~, lol. This was part of a plan to share with the students an idea of what the recce teams do in the army and what sort of equipments they use, and in this case, the students were supposed to maneuver the maze while looking through a pair of night vision binoculars. Though it's not exactly an accurate simulation, I guess it was still a pretty good idea.

While the few of us were at it, the others were involved in the CNY decorations, and although a lot of effort was put into getting them ready, I have to admit that the end-product was a flop because of the way it was executed. By themselves the artworks are pretty good, but the way it was hung out for show - the pieces were wrapped in plastic and tied to the railings of each floor in the building in a really haphazard arrangement - was honestly really bad. It just felt like such a waste, though fortunately we also had slightly more to show, such as a rather large horse figurine made from tables, planks and papier-mâché, and two motorcycles disguised as horses with the use of painted cardboard. I guess the execution turned out to be rather underwhelming for those as well, but really, you can't expect us NSFs to celebrate CNY in our units with the same level of enthusiasm as when we're celebrating outside. And now, even after I've already booked out for the week, I'm still not really feeling the CNY mood.

Shared that photo of what we did for the exhibition with a couple of friends, and their immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically in mock disbelief, LOL. I honestly expected that but I didn't feel the urge to laugh along, because the truth is, when you've been through the process and seen your friends put in genuine effort, you wouldn't be so detachedly dismissing it, no matter how... poorly the end result turns out. Regardless, the exhibition turned out to be quite a success anyway - could see most of the students at least marginally enjoying themselves - and the MOST important thing? All of us got an off day for helping out.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day spent entirely at home, but I decided that it was a waste since it was so sunny outside and all. So I did some research and decided to go on a cycling trip turned photography session... because I didn't get to rent any bike in the end. It turned out that the rather pathetic excuse for a bike rental kiosk beside Punggol Jetty (it was just an inconspicuous, temporary tentage) is closed from Mondays to Wednesdays, and that kinda means I overestimated the number of visitors at the park as well. But it was fine, as the peace and quiet made solitude all the more enjoyable. I wound up conducting a quick ~recce~ around the area, taking a couple of pictures along the way while enjoying the sea breeze and the sunset. The freedom of exploring places less travelled with no agenda in mind will always appeal to me, and even more so after a month that was mostly spent cooped up in camp. To top it all off, Punggol is really a gem of a neighbourhood. I especially like how its green features are not completely natural, with many of them being an amalgamation of the organic and the man-made, as it adds a modern twist to a town that's still reminiscent of its earlier rustic days. This particular environment strikes me as something similar to that along the Han River bank in Seoul, or in the man-made pockets of greenery within the city.

In other news, I've just returned home from reunion dinner over at my paternal cousins' place. Tomorrow's Day 1 of CNY and I predict that it'll be nothing out of the ordinary, just like all the other years. There's so many expectations during this period with regards to the quality of family ties and activities, etc., what with social media throwing around its definitions of fun and bonding that only seem to get bigger with each post and each tweet. But this doesn't change the fact that we have what we have, and if 'ordinary' is all I'm gonna have, I don't really mind, actually. :)

Breaking the mundane streak

Last week saw big changes as two of my bunkmates left the platoon for good. It was also bike-riding week, in an effort to clock enough mileage (1000km to be exact) so that we can ride bikes during Ex Wallaby towards the end of this year. I was just the slightest bit apprehensive at first as I haven't rode for nearly 2 months, yet I was assigned as a priority rider (since it has been confirmed that I'm in a bike team for recce operations). The first few sessions went pretty smoothly, though it took a couple of mistakes to make me realise that I should really stop giving in to daydreaming so much. However, things took a turn for the worse on Thursday, when the bike I was using kinda ran out of fuel and broke down in the middle of the road. It probably happened because the bike was in use throughout all three details, and because the first rider didn't check the fuel tank properly even though it was his responsibility. :/ Although I could get it to start, the engine stalled once I engaged the throttle, so I had to push it to the road shoulder and wait for towing services to pick up the bike. It was a good arrangement for the bike convoy to be sandwiched between two rovers while on the public roads, because I didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up once my bike was towed away. Nevertheless this whole fiasco has proved to be an administrative nightmare, and right now I'm not even certain if the matter's been explained clearly to the higher-ups yet.

I finally went for my first nights out in two weeks last Wednesday, and although it was rather idyllic as usual, it kinda shocked me just how much I could spend on food alone in one night. We went to the MOF at Lot 1 for our second dinner for the day, so that burned quite a huge hole in my pocket. I really need to buck up when it comes to financial discipline, what with a savings cum insurance policy which my mom coaxed me into signing up for (and personally because I thought I wouldn't be spending so much for this year... apparently I wasn't headed for a good start) and a whole arsenal of post-ORD plans which I badly want to realise and afford. To make matters worse, I spend liberally during the weekends, and last weekend was no exception, as the cell group went to Suki-ya after church for Mark's farewell dinner. And although it was so good (shabu-shabu buffet with free flow of meat - very few pleasures in life surpass that), it was so wrong for my bank account balance, haha. Man, I really need to save up before I regret it. I'm already financially dependent on my parents for enough aspects in my life.

This week's gonna be a really short one, and so far Monday's been OK with a couple of preparations for an exhibition tomorrow, after which we would (hopefully) book out in the afternoon. Then it'll be Chinese New Year, a.k.a. a period of immersion in festivities and blatant ignorance towards the dread of going back to camp (and therefore the first outfield exercise for the year). And as with every CNY, a good spring cleaning - be it physical or mental - is important. So bad vibes, stay away from me as far as possible.

Final post of 2013 (how convenient for a title)

I guess the most relevant change for 2013 about myself that I can think about when it comes to opening this 'end of the year' blog entry is that... I'm really past looking at new years as momentous milestones where I pledge to become this, to stop being that, to start/stop doing this, etc. Because looking back at all that happened in 2013, I have to say I got screwed badly enough to really grasp the idea of having a lot of things that can't be changed thrown in my path. It's not that I'm raising the white flag and running away from anything that screams "commitment!" or "discipline!" or "responsibility!" quite like New Year's resolutions. It's more of the fact that it doesn't take a string of first of Januaries for one to choose to improve and better himself, as if they're coupons that entitle one clean slate or one second shot each. And mundane as most of 2013 may seem, it's also the year in which I felt I changed the most. I made choices that I'm proud of in response to various miserable situations and circumstances - choices which are, well, at least more significant than the me who's probably going to be sitting in front of my laptop tomorrow mindlessly scrolling Tumblr or watching movies. Well you get the point. Of course, the admirably self-disciplined deserve to have their New Year's resolutions taken seriously. But for those who aren't... I just hope that they're doing something more than seeking respite in a faux sense of control over their lives, especially once January's over, hahaha.

A time to be thankful

It's true that there's really no incentive to blog when next to nobody knows that this place actually exists. But I'd rather have things this way, though - too many people I know dismiss the idea of blogs as ~overtly sentimental~ (much to the internal shrugging of my head in sheer dismay), and I'd love to be spared of the uncomfortable feelings that come when my friends who don't exactly understand why I'm so writing-inclined (or ~artsy~, for that matter) question my ways of doing things... simply because they don't see the need to. But as for me, writing remains an important part of my life, despite the fact that now, I only do it occasionally. My future self will ponder this in retrospection and be thankful that I wrote whatever I wrote now, no matter how trivial, hahaha. And as for those who see things the way I do, in an attempt to be subtle and intuitive, I've definitely left more than enough footprints that lead to this place. So all is well. :)

Life has been pretty... stable? lately. This period has been one of collecting and organising my thoughts, and making sense of them. We're back to the quiet, idyllic stage of the army lifestyle, and it's good, but of course, too much of a good thing (I'm three weeks into this stage) is always bad. Recently, I've begun to feel unproductive yet again, and apart from making a couple of tentative plans for December and the upcoming year, I've been trying to get those creative juices running again. Am embarking on quite a major yet personal end-year project, so let's see how it goes when it finally comes to fruition. :)

Some of the weekends while I was away from here was spent cafe-hopping around Jalan Besar which was quite enjoyable for an activity that isn't exactly very stimulating, haha. In my opinion, the hype over these sorts of independent cafes in Singapore has started to die down, following a personal observation that the number of pretty/well-considered Instagram photos of the food and interiors of such places has kinda reached the tipping point. Nevertheless, I'll still jump on the bandwagon if I can, because I'm pretty much a sucker for good iPhone photography myself. But from the foodie point of view, I'll always go for hawker/coffee-shop dishes or meals from traditionally acclaimed/popular restaurants any time, because most cafes here continue to bank on their aesthetic. Though I have to say that the Pancakes Stack you see above from The Bravery really quite hits the spot. It's served with ricotta cheese, bananas, chopped pistachios and a dose of honey that's just right. I'm not a very great fan of cheese in general, but the flavour of the ricotta cheese did not stand distinguished from the rest; in fact, it blended in really well with the overall sweetness of the stack, contributing a pleasant, mildly milky taste. And with the bananas that smelled REALLY good, it goes into the (rather short) list of cafe food which I enjoy.

(feat. terrible enlistment day selfie at BMTC Cookhouse 3 which isn't supposed to exist lol)

Also, 12 Dec marked my anniversary as a soldier, and that will leave me with exactly 365 days left. One year on, I see how NS has changed me, both for better (and worse). Working with my platoon as a scout has made clear the values I should hold on to. I did things I never thought I was capable of doing, yet I was always humbled. Most importantly, I learned a lot about gratitude, and to make the best of whatever decisions I make, good or (mostly) bad. And despite having written my fair share of all that in all the previous posts leading up to this, I still won't say that I'm definitely where I'm supposed to be, but yeah, I'm learning. And when the time comes for me to leave... BYE HAHA, but I'll definitely know enough to keep improving as a person. :) 

In other news, church has been really exciting lately, which is a given since it's Thanksgiving/Christmas period. However, I spent the Sunday just past as well as last Sunday with the bunch of church mates closest to me and celebrated Sheryl's and Hui Yen's birthdays with them. Celebrated Sheryl's day with a picnic in the park... and in the rain, but that didn't really manage to dampen our spirits, as being with them was already interesting enough. It's funny yet great how our silly antics never get old, and they're really a bunch I can spend a lot of time with without having to put in much effort into thinking out productive conversations or fun things to do.

Last weekend was completely... devoured? engulfed? by church, but in a good way despite the extreme verbs, lol. The highlights were candlelight service and the E391 Thanksgiving party; as usual, candlelight service was all prettied-up and photogenic, but it was especially heartwarming because of the great Christmas mood and Presence. :) On Sunday we kicked off our tradition of Thanksgiving parties at Costa Sands, and it was great to see everyone so involved in the celebrations one way or another. Helped out with the preparation of the cooked food before going down (which was a rather impromptu decision, but I guess it did help hone my poorly developed cooking instincts), and the BBQ was awesome as well. It was also an opportunity for all of us to get together and look back in 2013 with clarity, conviction and maturity, and hearing the testimonies as well as seeing the efforts of fellow CG members get acknowledged is definitely something to keep in memory for the years to come.

As the year's drawing to a close, there's gonna be a couple more good changes to anticipate, what with an awesomely long block leave from 20 Dec all the way through 5 Jan. I'll definitely get as many things done by the end of this year as I can, and personally draw the willpower from within me to water my own grass green in preparation for the year to come. As I'm writing this, it feels like I'm on the verge of gulping back words and promises, but note to self: it'll never hurt to try. Never at all.

After another goodbye

So last Wednesday, I laid out all the equipment – the helmet, luminous vest, and the elbow and knee guards, to be exact – neatly in the locker that was assigned to me in the motorbike garage, returned all the necessary keys as well as the cross-country riding boots, and finally, stamped down what seemed like a never-ending hurricane of paperwork – all in exchange for a military Class 2B license. And a dismissal from the driving circuit which I forced myself to feel happy about, because I was. From that day on, gone will be the days of incessant chiding and nagging from my instructors, and in all honesty, I never really got to know those who rode with me throughout the next half of the course well, so it felt good – albeit terribly overdue – to finally break away. I know I sound totally cold-hearted here, but I always felt like a persona non grata in their midst, probably because I was the 'blur'/lousy/weak one. And things will hardly change even if I prove them wrong a hundred times over, because we just belong to different frequencies, behind contrasting personalities. But it's OK. There's no one to please here.

Nevertheless, I'm still sentimental for a couple of things despite generally not enjoying the course like I thought I would, and I especially miss the islandwide riding sessions, and being able to cruise around Singapore just because. It was really nice to just ride around the routes, to take in the sights of familiar places so inexplicably entangled with my past and present – home, Changi Village, the ferry terminal to Tekong, TJ – to name a few, and to ponder briefly about these stages of growth and how I've changed since then. I guess it was just something I drew strong feelings of gratitude from.

In other news, I'm back here in the place where time seems to slow down to a painful crawl, and since I'll most likely be stuck here with next to nothing to do till the end of this year, I thought, "why not write a bit about my thoughts?". It's surprising because I wasn't expecting myself to actually exercise my brain in this manner (being a soldier and all, and lol I was just being sarcastic), but I did learn some small but important lessons I thought I should keep.

I would say that I've 'survived' every hardship and challenge thrown at me this year, because I wouldn't deny that 2013 has been a hard one. But then again, should I say that all this while, I've only been focusing on my own problems, and on shoving them into others' faces, especially my loved ones? It definitely doesn't help when every single one of my friends seems to at least be having a better time than me now. I know, there's always a degree of immaturity from looking at things this way, but at the very least, they managed at least one of the wishes for this year that I couldn't fulfill. I was so desperate for that 'big break', to the point where I expected it, where I thought that anytime now was the right time for it. I insisted on going for a short trip overseas to anywhere, preferably this or that... basically, I flooded my parents with unreasonable demands, and expected fulfillment on their part. In the end, promises made had to be broken. I wasn't given the leave schedules early enough, and everyone had their own jobs to attend to. It was nobody's fault; I just learned that I needed to be more patient and less selfish. Because so what if everyone else seems to make travelling abroad seem like such an easy task? It's still a privilege, and I need to learn how to deal with it – the possibility that privileges can get stripped away from me one by one.

I realised recently too, that I'm never going to be the man people expect me to be. And the thing is, I just know it, even though I have no idea what kind of person I'm gonna turn into in the future. And when the time comes, I guess I'll get to know who are the ones who will really accept the way I am, even if in the end, I pass away as some empty shell void of interest in almost everything – something like how I feel now, which is also something I don't want to become. It is really in times like these when I should submit myself more to my own faith, to God... despite everything that I may be, and despite all the circumstances I'm in. Tired, guilty, conflicted, cowardly, yes. But you know, still faithful and hopeful. And I know that's what matters:

This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” (Romans 1:17 NLT)

Nothing much going on lately

November has so far been one of the quieter months this year, and I attribute that to how I'm staying out and just going home almost every day after every bike lesson, tired and longing for some personal time. I also realised that I would so much rather spend time alone when a conflict between going social and shutting every door behind you for a night arises (weekends are pretty much irrelevant here, because they're days where I would have time for both). And I guess it says quite a lot about how I view the value of my current friendships. It's not that they're bad, but I just think that right now, nothing feels very 'fresh'. It's kinda sad, but it's nobody's fault; it just happens sometimes. Let's just say I miss those days of spontaneity and flexibility, where my good friends and I were all in the same place, and nobody needed to try too hard to have a good time. I miss that.

In other news, bike course (of course): passed my public road test today. :) I'm starting to believe that I'm really a one-hit wonder in this course, and it scares me a bit mainly because I lack self-confidence, leading to thoughts like, plot twist: someone was riding the bike for you. But I definitely believe that I did meet a decent standard at least, after all the training (and insults). Maybe constantly putting me down is my instructor's special way of dealing with me and making sure I pass, since he did the same prior to the circuit and balancing test. Then again, I was honestly convinced that I would fail before I got the results this morning, because I did continue to commit a couple of mistakes. But I guess it's a good idea for all to just leave this in the past and give nothing short of my best for the upcoming programmes, hahaha.

Off-road training today was rather bad, and I made quite a lot of silly mistakes despite demos that were pretty straightforward. I guess it's because my weight (or lack thereof actually...) is still not accustomed to the bike. This is something I really need to improve on.

So besides the course, nothing much has been going on lately. And I'm both happy and sad about it, lol. I would say it's just a ~phase~.

Some updates about bike course

Although there has been a ton of changes over the past few weeks, I haven't got to blogging them because basically... they're not actually very good changes to begin with. I remember booking out of Gedong for the last time in a month and thinking that I'm going to make things great, but in actual fact life rarely plays out the way you want it to. And the worst part is having it get so bad to the extent where you're just confused if your expectations are just too high, or if you're simply incompetent at this whole 'life' RPG thing (hold on while I try to look for the 'restart game' function for this).

So, riding a motorcycle was far harder than I thought it would be. The bad news would be that for the past few weeks, I've gathered enough discouragements from almost every instructor in the circuit to make waking up on weekday and Saturday mornings especially hard on the state of mind. Before I continue, some useful background info about me: 1. I'm naturally slow at tactile learning but I didn't ask for a not-so-nimble brain, and 2. I tend to screw up even more under scrutiny by someone who knows I'm a screw-up and breathes down my neck so as to make sure I'm not screwing things up. Put 1 against a training programme that's way too packed, and thus one with naturally greater expectations, and you get angry instructors yelling at you for making the most basic mistakes. Put that against 2, and you get me in the driving circuit, a royal screw-up who's almost always exhausted and demoralized.

Thankfully though, things took a small turn for the better today. We've been training for the circuit and balancing tests the past few days, and because I've basically just been marked by the group of instructors as one of the weakest riders around, I didn't get sent out for the first test yesterday along with three others, and on top of that, I've been staying back for extra practice. So I only took the test today, and by practice and some wondrous miracle, I passed all the stations in a single attempt, ahead of quite a couple of others who met hiccups at some of their balancing stations. Even I was shocked with this seemingly unachievable feat, and for the rest of the day I had instructors shaking my hands and exaggerating my accomplishment like it's something so unbelievable and beyond comprehension, lol. I also automically became an example to be used in statements like, "If someone so bad like Geng Hao could pass, why am I still having so many failures?!?!11". And even now, I don't know how to feel about being referred to like that.

Anyway, since that's one hurdle passed in one way or another, I went out to the public roads today, and it was a rather disorienting experience at the start, with so many things to look out for and so many scenarios to consider. After two rounds around the public road test route, it's still pretty much confirmed that I'm somewhat of a road hazard, and this just goes to show that this journey here is far from ending. It's yet another challenge ahead; yet another battle within myself to be better than what I usually let myself be. And as much as I'm happy that I managed to pass the first round, the real deal starts from tomorrow onwards. Determination, ability, and most importantly, consistency. I'll stop feeling sorry for myself once I know that I've truly achieved that.

Albert Einstein and life

“Life is all about choices. How many people are trapped in their everyday habits: part numb, part frightened, part indifferent? To have a better life we must keep choosing how we’re living.”
– Albert Einstein

I didn't think much of this quote when I first saw it, because I thought it was just plain stupid for someone to pin it up against the notice board at the entrance of an army camp cookhouse. A well-meaning nugget of wisdom it is, but I just couldn't reconcile it with my current situation then. Maybe I was too caught up with the usual laments about being conscripted and not being able to make big decisions about my life (let alone choose how I want to live, right?), and well, that's really just part and parcel for an ordinary man in the SAF. But a conversation with a fellow platoon mate yesterday night on the train made me rethink the meaning behind the quote for once, or at the very least, its context. I felt it was interesting, the way he so colourfully described to me his various schemes and methods to climb the 'status ladder', how he progressed from RMJ, to light duties, to 'excuse dust', and finally, to the much-coveted 'excuse stay-in'. Yeah, he's a stay-out personnel, gets to sleep at home every night, and doesn't need to follow us out into the field for operations and exercises. And as he went on to tell me how the other statuses in the platoon aren't 'doing very well', I was somehow completely caught off-guard, because it wasn't until then that I realised that skiving was a completely separate business in its own. You don't 'not do very well' if you're simply ill or injured. It's about knowing the tricks of the trade. How to plan your medical appointments. How to extend your status. How to make sure you go for the right programmes and skip the unappealing ones (as if it's all just one huge buffet meal). And most importantly, how to play the game of cat-and-mouse with your superiors who so badly want to get you back in training.

In a sense, it was a conversation which served as the final blow, the last trace of glamour being stripped away. Those random bouts of in-camp depression used to make the grass on the other side look so strikingly green to the point of glaring, and I would ask myself why I was still committed to the job, when the usual few could 'get away with doing next to nothing'. But at that point, I stopped thinking that way. All I could think about then was how I was just so... repelled. Imagining the scenario in which everyone of us just fell out and stopped doing what we needed to do because we thought of only ourselves, I felt truly disappointed, yet I understood why I decided to hang on as long as I was fit enough to do my job. Yes, there will be many more times in the future where I will think like the person who casually glances at the quote while waiting for the rest to finish their meals at the entrance of the cookhouse – that I'm just another ordinary man in the SAF. But be it mistakes or 'job well done's, I'm at least gonna be there when I have to, to be responsible when I should. To be honest, I don't actually despise him or the few of them for choosing how they want their lives in the army to be like. All I know is that I'm gonna choose to stick to this kind of life I'm leading here, because I don't see how I can leave NS dignified any other way.