Begin again

To think that I never would've even imagined myself being where I am now just last year came as quite the shocker to me. After service tonight, a few cell group mates from poly who enlisted not long ago shared with us their experiences in and thoughts toward BMT, most of which were, frankly, rather expected and unsurprising as far as a recruit's life is concerned. They rambled on about their expectations beyond BMT, all of which obviously didn't broach the possibility of being sent directly to a unit, because well, "who doesn't want to go to command school?". Nevertheless, it was enjoyable catching up with them, and seeing how they waxed lyrical about their training, buddies and takeaways with wide-eyed excitement, I would genuinely be surprised if they didn't manage to get to where they wanted to go beyond their POP. But of course, the SAF being the SAF, it's still advisable to leave plenty of room to the imagination – one can never know how lucky (or unlucky) he can possibly get, until he really gets to where he's assigned.

Inevitably, all that discussion about 'every Singaporean son's rite of passage' led me to reflect, once again (I know, I know), on my personal experiences with NS, and I feel that it's high time I shared about why as of late, they have left me so jaded.

Recalling a conversation with one very lucky friend of mine a couple nights ago, I couldn't help but envy how he could so casually say that he didn't regret a single thing that's happened to him/that he's done in his stint with NS, as if it was a state which just naturally and eagerly embraced him like a warm blanket. Because I felt like there was so much to regret. And because I felt like all of that regret was just growing and burgeoning within me, threatening to burst open my lungs and my heart and my brain and just... everything I am.

It doesn't help at all that I'm still booking in to camp and staying in every week, and these three months leading to ORD have never felt longer. Right now, everyone there just reminds me of how unhappy and unfulfilled I am with my journey this year. I wish all of us remained together during the times we didn't. I wish I was with them on the trips they went for without me. I wish I was given more experiences to grow myself and to learn. I wish I wasn't so invisible. And most importantly, I wish to finally come to terms with this state of affairs I'm in eventually, no matter how long it takes, because there's no longer anything I can do to change it.

It's so difficult being the one who stays; the one who's always left behind. Sure, for the one who packs his bags and leaves, he gets whisked away into somewhere foreign, where at that point in time, he won't be able say for sure if he's going to thrive or not. However, the uncertainty felt, as much as it can prove to be stifling, is also a platform for growth. Good or bad, it signifies change and a possibility for progress. As for the one who gets left behind, though, it's a different story – and for me, it was, more often than not, one of mind-numbing waiting and stagnancy. Waiting alone also adds a whole new dimension to that particular situation, because one can be sure that nobody else will be able to fully empathise and understand.

I'm telling myself that it's okay to keep asking myself 'why' without being able to do anything about what's bothering me. It's okay, because I need to get these sentiments out of my system once and for all, and so that I can finally seek closure, or at least a semblance of it. It's okay, because I need to start building up my self-esteem which has, over the past few weeks, been debilitating at a disturbing rate (and it's not like it was good to begin with).

In a few years' time, I'll most probably look back at this entry, appalled at how immature and single-minded I was. "Because tigers don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep," they would say. And honestly, they're right. Even now, I'm bending wholeheartedly to the will of an organisation who will never truly know my worth, and I personally find that pretty laughable. But in time, I believe I'll come to accept the fact that things happened the way they did, and as for what time can't solve, I will solve myself, with my own two hands, my own two feet, and my own beating heart.

Reflecting upon all this, the blood courses through my veins especially fast. I'm only a few months of agonising patience away from finally beginning again, and I'm helplessly overcome both by fear and anticipation. In all honesty, I don't know what will become of me at all, but there's not a choice. I have to move forward, and I have to try my best and carve out hope and possibility for myself, after learning that I should never depend on another to do it.

And to everyone who has never stopped believing in who I can possibly be and where I can possibly go, thank you. You'll never know how much that means to me.

Feels-packed week

If the past (long) weekend could be summed up in a single word, it would be: intense. Very intense. But in general, the past week has altogether been one wicked rollercoaster ride of emotions, beginning from the Sunday where I picked up where I left off in My Mad Fat Diary (MMFD) from the previous night, all the way to the concerts on Thursday and Friday.

It's suffice to say that MMFD has become one of my new favourite TV shows, and judging from how I just rambled on and on about what makes it so endearing to me in the previous post, I'll refrain from going on any further. Spent last Monday in camp catching up on the final few episodes of the second season in between preparing for the field exercise the next day, and managed to finish the entire show right before I went to sleep... which wasn't a good idea at all, considering how I'd very much prefer conserving as much of a good book or a good show as possible (so that I wouldn't feel like there's nothing to look forward to). Of course, I failed miserably this time, and now I'm just left hoping the show will be renewed for a third season.

The next two days in camp were terribly bleak, and I don't exactly know what has gotten to me, but my combat fitness seems to drop drastically with each field exercise. If you haven't already known, I HATE going out to the field with a passion, and sometimes, the dread I feel when I'm just about to move out from camp – when I'm just about to pick up the abhorrent, backbreaking burden that is the Alice pack, to be exact – is almost unbearable. This particular exercise was no excuse, and to nobody's surprise, it became the new worst field exercise ever. I've also noticed how my sense of accomplishment dwindles with each time I return to camp from an exhausting field exercise, while there's never a shortage of nasty insect bites all over my hands, shoulders, back and neck, and the temptation to just give up is always there, yet hardly within reach. With 6 months left to go before ORD, the road may seem short to many, but from where I'm standing, there's still quite a lot more to tide through. All I can say is, let me always see the greater purpose to this pain which can, at times, seem so meaningless. On the verge of burning out, but I don't want to give up... just yet.

Regardless, I guess this experience, if anything, did make the events which followed later on in the week sweeter? All I can say is, thank God there wasn't any more drama holding me back from actually attending the concerts... from experience, you never know what the SAF can come up with to completely foil your plans at any point during your time with them.

On to happier things: Taylor Swift was simply phenomenal on stage Thursday night, and that's not an understatement. I have to say I went in expecting quite the show, but it was our fault for mistakenly thinking that there was a sound check going on when we heard Ellie Goulding tracks inside the stadium while we were loitering around outside and basking in the atmosphere a few hours before the doors opened. This led us to assume that Ellie was going to make a surprise appearance later on in the show, but our hopes were quickly dashed when Taylor simply rounded off the night with her encore performance of 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together'. Because it was also the very final show of the Red Tour, we were all eagerly expecting something special, but although it turned out to be just another one of her normal shows, I'm DEFINITELY not complaining, for she still put up a great performance. Remaining pitch-perfect throughout, I can see that her vocals have definitely matured (though they still sounded a little strained at some points). The elaborate stage set-up, troupes of back-up dancers, numerous costume changes and bright, actively-changing LED lights also helped set the groundwork for a very entertaining show, and I was especially blown away by her performances for 'Holy Ground' (thoroughly enjoyed the drum sequence towards the chorus), 'I Knew You Were Trouble.' (still awestruck by that signature, impossible 3-second costume change), and '22' (I unabashedly went temporarily insane for this). For the surprise B-stage song, she dished out an acoustic performance of 'Long Live', a song which I feel is very apt for the final installment of her tour. Another defining moment in her show would be none other than the performance for her piano ballad 'All Too Well', in which she, well, did her trademark hair flips for the very last time in the Red Tour. All in all, I guess everyone who was with me at the concert reached a consensus that it was a night they wouldn't be forgetting anytime soon, and as she moves on to bigger, better projects, I really have her to thank for always going the extra mile for her international fans... even if it means taking the Red Tour halfway around the globe to Asia, and dragging it on for a year and a half. Then again, if I was earning even a quarter of what she rakes in from all that touring, I wouldn't be complaining already!

Also, before I forget, something ironic yet funny happened while we were hanging around outside the stadium before the show. Sheryl & I were getting excited over the possibility of Ellie Goulding appearing on stage beside Taylor Swift when we bumped into these three 14-year-olds (two girls and a guy). We small-talked for a bit and exchanged names, and when Sheryl introduced herself, both the girls broke out in giggles. Apparently, they also had a friend named Sheryl who is 'crazy because she drinks like, 100%'. And 100% what, you may ask? Bubble tea. Upon hearing this, Sheryl laughed and said she thought their friend was crazy because she drank 100% alcohol... which led us to feeling a little depressed, because right there and then, it hit us that we were getting a little too old for our comfort. You see, we're still not exactly ready to leave behind the days where the most badass drink someone could ever get was bubble tea with 100% sugar. True enough, upon reaching home after the concert, I swiftly chugged down a jug of beer to cool myself down... not that it means anything (I think).

If Taylor Swift was the highlight of the week, then Ellie Goulding was the icing on the cake. She returned to Singapore Friday night for her Halcyon Days Tour, and apparently, she played to a sold-out crowd at the Esplanade Concert Hall for the same tour last year. I'm definitely not lamenting the fact that she found Singapore crowds compelling enough for her to release yet another tour date here, and if anything, our crowds have never been more welcoming of her. As evidenced by how everyone went wild when she burst into the stage for 'Figure 8', her first performance of the night, it was obvious all of us adored her. In exchange, she continued to wow us with her husky yet dulcet voice and incredible vocal acrobatics throughout the set, and her power-packed dance moves (and abs) were enough to give her rival indie/electronic pop acts a run for their money. Though the show proved to be consistently good, my favourite parts were definitely the performance for her famous cover of Elton John's 'Your Song' – it sounded exactly like the studio-recorded version, and the final four songs and encore performance of the show, all of which were her radio hits ('Anything Could Happen', 'I Need Your Love', 'Lights', 'You My Everything' and 'Burn'). Predictably, the entire theatre went insane, and the atmosphere was overwhelming. I was literally jumping around, reaching my hands out to God-knows-what (probably a sign of complete immersion and release I guess), and overall it was plain enjoyable, and definitely great value-for-money.

I'm also grateful for Sheryl, who was my company for the two nights of concerts (without whom I probably wouldn't be spurred to watch Ellie Goulding), as well as a couple of my old classmates from secondary school and Michelle who joined me for the Taylor Swift show. On another note, I was expecting some serious post-concert depression to set in after those two nights of sweet music, but it didn't prove to be too bad. Instead, I just feel really fulfilled to have seen two of my favourite musical acts in town on two consecutive nights. I've also come to like going for concerts more, though I don't exactly know if that's a good thing, HAHA. No matter, here's to (hopefully) seeing more of my most-liked artistes around in the near future (provided I can fork out the cash, that is)!

Wonderful Unknown

Here we go, dancing on our own,
Inside this house that we have never known, never known
Here we go, going in alone
Into the dark and wonderful unknown,
Let us go, let us go

Loving Ingrid Michaelson's new album. I've had it playing on loop in YouTube since three nights ago, after learning that she'll be returning to Singapore for a show in September. To be honest, I wasn't even aware that she released a new album until the tour announcement was made, but better late than never, right?

Anyway, she definitely didn't disappoint this time round - the album's beautifully crafted songs speak of life, love and loss with a trademark sensitivity that, as usual, pays a poignant tribute to her life experiences. I also dived in fully expecting the album to be rather mellow, judging from the way it was marketed and all, but my ears were, much to my surprise, warmly greeted by a good number of upbeat tunes, such as 'Afterlife', and 'Girls Chase Boys'. If you ask me, the album's definitely worth a listen (why the hell not?), and if you're the type who has a soft spot for female vocalists who actively participate in the songwriting and producing process, blessing the world not only with their beautiful voices, but also with their stunning music and lyrics, you're in for a wonderful treat. My personal favourites off this album would be her collaborations, namely 'Over You', 'Open Hands' and 'One Night Town', and of course, the song posted above.

In other news, I haven't done a good job at catching up with my life in this place... as expected. The block leave I was forced to clear this week's quickly coming to an end, and although I didn't go out of the way to have lots of fun and make the most out of this period (e.g. spontaneously hopping on a plane to a random country), it still didn't feel wasted, so all is well.

Two Saturdays ago, I woke up at the unearthly hour of 7.30am to accompany my mom to a Shopify sharing session at SingTel ComCentre. Initially, I had misgivings about the event because after all, she was tipped off by a random advertisement that appeared in Her World magazine, so I was expecting it to be rather... femininely out-of-touch, if that's a complete enough description. It turned out to be informative and even engaging in the end, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the skewed gender ratio in the audience and the fact that I still don't believe it's good value for money (the entrance fee was a whopping $50 if I'm not wrong). The sharing session did inspire a couple of fresh ideas in me (which I have yet to act upon) though, and I definitely left with a much better impression of Shopify on a whole (entered thinking that it was just an entry-level, non-professional e-commerce start-up website for those looking to dabble casually in online markets, but left affirmed that it's actually an efficient, no-frills solution for both amateurs and professionals alike... I overestimate my IT skills too much for my own good).

The next day, I met Michelle, Sheryl & Lena for a 'night under the stars' with Shakespeare in the Park: The Merchant of Venice. Had dinner at Kith Café @ Park Mall, a place I've been meaning to try for pretty long already, before settling down at Fort Canning Park (with surprisingly good seats considering how we were rather late) for a truly amazing performance by the Singapore Repertory Theatre. The stage could barely be considered fancy and the dialogue was a little too flowery for my liking, but despite that, the cast successfully managed to assimilate their roles and make the story accessible. Overall, it was great value for money, and even now I'm already contemplating if I should attend the event again next year, hahaha.

Before I happily left camp for the enforced block leave last Friday, I had to pull through yet another mini field exercise which turned out memorable (in a bad way of course) due to run-ins with the CSM which saw me signing for three extra duties and kissing my clean record goodbye... all because of a stupid 'mistake' which isn't even worth mentioning here. If anything, it only serves to remind me that in the army, you can literally do anything you want - just don't get caught. Ever.

On Sunday, a few of us 'old birds' (lol) from the E290 days gathered to belatedly celebrate Xiaoshi's birthday with a meal at the ThaiPan in the Mandarin Gardens apartments (老地方 where we used to gather for cell group meetings in the past), followed by a hilarious karaoke session (just because Xiaoshi was so tone-deaf). Returning to places in my recent past, I can't help but find it funny how so much has changed, when it feels like things haven't actually been very different. Aaron, who used to live in Mandarin Gardens and who played host to our cell group meetings in the past, left our lives without leaving so much as a trace in the end, and looking back, church has unknowingly come to play such a huge role in my life such that it's startling to realise how I've actually seen so many changes over the past few years. Perhaps the reason why this hadn't hit me with full impact until now was because the important parts remained more or less the same, and the friendships I most valued remained more or less intact, giving me an illusion that things are just taking their time to change. But in due time, I know God will lead us to different places, even if we don't exactly realise it.

Tuesday was a day to honour a promise that I frankly didn't really bother keeping – exercising, with the exact promise being to exercise regularly, but obviously I'm a horrible person who's too lazy for my own good. Went to Yiren's aunt's condo to swim with Sheryl & him, where I tried to exercise at the gym for a bit and teach Sheryl how to swim the breaststroke... to no avail, unfortunately. The swim also made me realise that my fitness level has plunged more drastically than I thought, and it's an especially sad realisation considering how little I actually care. I guess I need to stop thinking that I'll never be able to gain weight no matter what I do, and start exercising again, even if it means taking baby steps towards a goal that may currently still be out of sight. But of course, this particular thought didn't immediately occur to me, for right after the swim we gladly indulged in hawker fare (wanton noodles + oyster omelette om nom nom) and some waffles with ice cream at the nearby Milk & Honey Gelato which, I have to say, was shockingly underwhelming. I remember cringing upon my first taste of the balsamic strawberry flavour which was way too concentrated and sour, while Yiren & Sheryl were more than satisfied with how the café played their favourite Kari Jobe as background music (I'm not exactly a fan, so sadly that didn't manage to compensate for anything).

Moving on, Wednesday was yet another wet day (albeit more tiring), and this time, I spent the afternoon at Adventure Cove with Kwok Sing & Raman. They were rather unexpected company, for I didn't anticipate to meet any NS friends at all during this block leave, but nonetheless it was a day well-spent. Adventure Cove occurred to me as a more hyped-up version of Wild Wild Wet, and we ended up spending most of our time fooling around in the wave pool and the artificial river which meandered through the park, instead of trying out the water slides. But it was definitely fun to be like a kid again (although half the time it was just the other two who were fooling around, hahaha).

Made it a point to head down to Kinokuniya after my driving lesson on Thursday afternoon to get a couple more titles to read. I settled with 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' and 'Atonement' in the end (hopefully they won't prove to be too overwhelming for my tiny brain), marking the halfway point in my reading challenge for this year – that is, to complete 18 books. Continued to while away quite some time there and in the Orchard area before heading straight down to Jurong West for bible study, which I felt was definitely at least worth the time spent travelling there. I personally really appreciate Pastor Tan's lucid analyses of the Scriptures, and how he always manages to sieve out the most important and enduring themes and messages from the Word. Also, Yuyun, back from a 6-week long trip to Kenya and very obviously full of interesting stories, joined us that night, and I was nothing short of enthralled at her colourful sharings during the cab ride home. If anything, it definitely changed my perspective of Africa, making it a little more personal somehow. Welcome back Yuyun (if you're reading this), and I honestly can't wait to follow your footsteps and embark on journeys similar to yours. :) Six more months to freedom!

Although the block leave's ending very soon, there's still quite a lot to be excited about, what with two upcoming concerts/gigs next week (Red Tour and Ellie Goulding). I can only imagine the post-concert depression that inevitably follow, but for now, I shall just revel in the tense anticipation. So here's to a (hopefully) smooth week ahead, before I go on to unleash the Ultimate Fanboy Mode. I just hope that I don't procrastinate writing about the concerts too much, though.

Rant about, of all things, Instagram

I'm relatively artistic, or at least I try to be, and it's one of the few personality traits which I've willingly built upon over the years. Perhaps my inborn perfectionism regarding aesthetics does play a pretty huge role in this, but since I was rather young, maybe around 12, I've cared a lot about making nice graphics for the Internet, organising web pages to look beautifully simple or sophisticated, or just creating aesthetically-pleasing things in general – all of this at a point in time when most of my friends couldn't care less about anything related to art & design (many of them still don't). I remember being completely secure in this particular interest of mine throughout secondary school and in being the "cool" one who knows how to code and design graphics, and I believed it to be one of the very few redeeming talents I have. However, as times changed and I found myself meddling around with codes and Photoshop less, I directed my artistic values into other pursuits such as photography, sketching and illustration, and that's also when others' perceptions toward my interests, especially photography, kinda changed.

I see no point in keeping the things I created for myself without sharing them, especially when I feel it looks good and deserves to be appreciated, but it irks me to no end sometimes, how so many of my friends just fail to get it. When it comes to photography and Instagram, for example, my feed would be primarily dominated by photos of people and photo collages of MORE people, or poorly taken or edited photos with the sole aim of letting others know what they were doing without at least trying to make the photo look more presentable. Don't get me wrong, though - I have no problems with these kinds of users, but the hitch is that they literally make up 90% of those I know in real life who also use Instagram, and that literally leaves me in one corner, genuinely caring about how I can go about taking better photos and feeling mildly frustrated over why so little of the people I know actually care about making their photos look good, or to put it simply, contributing to the 'mobile photography community'.

Of course, I don't expect my friends to magically change the way they take photos, or have the instinct to explore new approaches towards photography, just because I don't know enough people in real life who actively foster my creativity. Besides, chances are they won't be able to even if they tried, and that is completely OK by me. But what kinda irritates me is that some of these friends who recognise my artistic tendencies go on to make light remarks and jokes about it. I guess it would be easy for one to tell me to stop being so butt-hurt over such trivial issues upon reading this, so I shall make it plain and clear here that photography is something that I'm seriously interested in, and that in my eyes, it deserves way more appreciation than the occasional teasing and jabbing over why I take photos in a certain way or try so hard to achieve a certain style. Unfortunately, some people have obviously failed to respect that. Take one of those people for example, who, after knowing about my Instagram account, started pointing fingers at random things and telling me to 'take a ~hipster photo~ of it', or another one, who, upon knowing that I enjoy sharing photos, went on to make jokes which wrongfully suggest that I'm pointlessly addicted to Instagram ("Hey that pole looks nice why don't you go Instagram it or something?").

Granted, with the advent of social media and its new ways of sharing photography, one is bound to be caught in situations like these if he fails to build or join a like-minded community where he can share his photos without being dismissed as too 'artsy' and inaccessible. Photography is no longer as exclusive as it was just a few years ago, and today, in order to share photography as an art form and be noticed, one has to simply launch it to a huge audience of which probably more than half does not know how to appreciate it. As of now, I'm unfortunately caught between the pros and those who use social media simply to honestly share their lives, and I'm likely to remain that way if I intend to stop at the level of an amateur photographer... sadly.

In the end, I guess it all boils down to mutual respect. I love using photography to express my creativity, and I care about making my photos look nice when it may be something completely unimportant to the person right across the street. However, I don't intend to pursue photography professionally, or at least I haven't quite hit the skill level to become a pro. I guess it's this point where one unabashedly pursues his interest even though he might not be extremely good at it that he is most vulnerable. Why go out of the way to post something so ~artsy~ and ~hipster~, they would say, when you could just share normal photos and photo collages like 90% of the other people you know who treat Instagram like they used to treat Facebook? But you know, I'd rather not conform in this way, because I'm doing something I believe in and feel strongly about. And just like how I respect the way you present yourself on social media, demanding the same kind of respect is already the least I can do.

Better days

I've been spending an hour or so walking around a place of choice as some sort of citizen-tourist after booking out these two weeks. Spurred on by interesting photos of Singapore I saw on the internet and all over Instagram, I decided to go on similar, sporadic photography trips of my own, and they've turned out to be surprisingly fulfilling. :) Up till recently, I was accustomed to a mindset of convenience and practicality when it comes to travelling in Singapore, always either taking the usual public transport routes to get to the same few places I usually frequent, travelling for the sake of meeting friends and accomplishing tasks rather than as an end in itself, or choosing to be driven around by car whenever we go out as a family. Though such habits have nonetheless made me well-acquainted with generally many places across Singapore (for after all, it's still a little red dot on the world map), there remains places I have never bothered to set foot in or explore properly. So on Wednesday, I walked around Taman Jurong Estate and the immediate vicinity surrounding Lakeside station, and just yesterday, I travelled by foot from Tanjong Pagar station to Chinatown, with the aims of simply taking in the various sights and sounds, and finding new perspectives from which to document Singapore. Being alone with myself and visiting the places I'd like to properly see and explore without being detoured by a partner proved to be more enjoyable than I thought. Of course, going for photography trips with friends – especially with those who have similar interests – can definitely enrich the experience, and it's been great having a few of them willing to participate in such journeys with me. Glad to have invested in a hobby of some sorts in which I can both enjoy at my own leisure and utilise as an avenue for bonding. :)

In other news, some updates dating from a few weeks back till today:

Some photos from the Friday four (!!) weeks ago. Had an impromptu photography session with Rashid & Sylvia at Fort Canning Park and National Museum of Singapore before chilling with some drinks at SMU, followed by a men's meeting organized by my church with some of the guys from E391 which turned out better than I expected. Managed to bond with a few other guys from EC Zone through a food hunt for which we pretty much failed terribly, but it's alright – there wouldn't be an opportunity for us to meet otherwise, and it was humbling learning about their personal experiences and backgrounds. Admittedly, I was skeptical about the whole event at first, but of course, I didn't  regret turning up after it all ended. :)

Labour Day (three Thursdays ago) was spent with Yi Ren & Sheryl at the Marina area. Initially we met up with the intention of cementing our plans for a short trip to KL (which thankfully has already been settled as of now), but it just ended up being one of those random walks round town for gazing at the same old city lights and having the same old idle conversations. It was a good respite from the stifling atmosphere back in camp though, speaking of which that particular week wasn't too bad, actually. Had a recce skills evaluation which my team fared pretty well in – something completely unexpected considering the lack of training prior to the test.

For my night out on Wednesday, I planned to meet Rashid & Sylvia for a short catch-up session. Was initially keen on catching the new Spider-Man movie with them, until Sylvia said that she's already watched it... much to no one's surprise, actually. After all, when it comes to watching Marvel movies together, chances are at least one of your friends have already watched it before /shrugs.

With the movies crossed off our already short list of things-we-could-do, we decided to settle with coffee, which brought us to our next challenge – settling on a nice and accessible café to meet. There's a considerable number of cafés that dot the West Coast and Bukit Timah areas near my camp, and I personally have been wanting to try a few of them, notably those near NUS such as W39 Bistro & Revolution Coffee. But in the end, after much light bickering, we decided on D'Good Café at Holland Village, which wasn't exactly among the first few cafés I would think of, but that's just me, because I didn't know that it would be Rashid's and Sylvia's first time at Holland Village... MUCH to my surprise, hahaha. I guess Easties will always be Easties, well unless your camp just happens to be at the other end of Singapore.

Brief as the meet-up was, it was great seeing them again and laughing over the same old stupid things. The waffles from D'Good were good, too – underrated considering how many hobbyist café-hoppers seem to always gush over the waffles from the same few cafés while notably leaving this one out. It's not exactly incredibly crisp with a burnished layer on the outside while fluffy and cottony on the inside like how the food reviewers would put it, but it's definitely good enough to merit a couple of positive reviews.

Headed to Coffee Bean with Rashid after that, where he had his breakfast-for-dinner, rather strange considering how he messed up his order of meals for the day hahaha. Then again, it just goes to show that anytime is a good time for dessert. :) Talked about their upcoming trip to Krabi over his meal, and felt a little regretful that I couldn't make it. Nonetheless, the upcoming short getaway to KL with Sheryl & Yi Ren should compensate for all that I'm going to miss.

Overall, I would say that my days have been slightly better as of late? It comes as a stark contrast against a few weeks ago, during the period when I found myself contemplating my existing friendships and the problems faced when it comes to maintaining them. I'm trying harder to keep everyone in mind right now, and hopefully the efforts will pay off in the long run. As much as I'm better off on my own most of the time being the introvert I am, and despite how I'm an adaptable person who takes changes in my stride, I have to decide that I still do need some of the people I've met in the past as my close friends. I shouldn't be too eager to let go, to dismiss the distance that results from a lack of effort as differences that can no longer be reconciled. And as I work harder on this aspect of life, I definitely hope that I'll be seeing yet another opportunity for personal growth.

Of friendships and taking two hands to clap

I've been thinking a lot about my friendships the past week, mainly because it struck me that without warning, they may be gone someday, regardless of whether I hold them close to my heart or not. The separations may not actually be (directly) due to my own shortcomings to begin with – after all, it takes two hands to clap, so they're also at the mercy of the other party's expectations and priorities. And it is precisely because relationships are cooperative in nature that a lot of us emphasise on values such as commitment, understanding and compromise when it comes to maintaining them. Yet no matter how aware I am of this, I'm afraid that I'm always growing comfortable too quickly, and always taking for granted the situation that brought the two of us together as good friends, as if it's going to be permanent, and as if we're not going to be whisked away to completely different places when we least expect it.

I think about the good times I've had with the people whom I currently keep in close contact with, and I wonder how we will change with the passage of time. For some, I've already been in their lives for seven years and counting, and it's for these friendships that I'm most worried – are we going to realise, a few years after life leads us to our respective greener pastures, that we've never really understood each other and that our personalities actually clash in ways we've never imagined before? It's indisputable that I'll definitely put in the effort to preserve these relationships – they're simply way too precious for me to just let them go like they're nothing. What I'm not sure of is whether they'll do the same, and it's not that I don't have faith in them – it actually amazes me sometimes how well we can act as pillars of support for one another – but simply because I can't say for sure.

Then there's the group of them who sincerely clock hours for all the 'we really need to meet up soon's and the 'it's been long, why don't we catch up again sometime?'s, in an effort to deal with the aftermath of having been physically separated. Yet I can't help but feel that as of late, it's increasingly become a case of applauding intentions and accepting that we've been separated by too much time. It makes me profoundly ambivalent, how there's no longer common ground to tie us together, and this stems from a combination of boredom over how there's nothing special to share or listen to anymore, happiness over how we're still trying to make things work despite all that's changed, and uncertainty over whether we'll meet again in the near future. It feels kind of funny, really, like volunteering to walk a tightrope, or willing oneself to hang freely off a cliff. The option to give up and say 'no' is always there, yet we've continued holding on to one another, maybe because there's always a remote possibility that someday, the lines that we are will once again converge.

I've also been grappling with yet another type of problem in my friendships lately: the friendship of unequal expectations, i.e. to think that everything about the friendship has been sailing smoothly, when in fact it hasn't for the other party. And I have to say that it's really eye-opening, how pride can get in the way of solving such problems. Also, I guess that through this experience, I've gained some much-needed insight into how different people perceive their relationships, though I'm definitely not obliged to agree with them of course. It really takes situations like these to once again remind me that life, in all its aspects, is as dynamic as ever. You're dealt with the cards, but it doesn't mean that you win the game. Nevertheless, don't bend yourself to accommodate others if it's not something that you want for yourself as well.

In sum, I thought I've understood enough about relationships to at least keep them... serviceable, if not healthy. Turns out that with this period where I've grown rather detached from the outside world due to NS commitments, it's once again become an area of concern for myself. I guess what's most important for me right now is to evaluate all my existing friendships, and to be reciprocative and proactive when I need to be...

April in an entry

I realised that I've only been writing about my thoughts and reflections lately as opposed to actually documenting the recent goings-on in my life, though it's not like there's a lot going on at the moment anyway (finally, I'm no longer misquoting this '22' reference lol). Still, enough happened this April to warrant an entry!

To start off, I started taking driving lessons last Sunday under the guidance of a private instructor recommended to me through my aunt, and as much as I'm glad to have taken another step towards finally going behind the wheel, I believe that I'm also in for a (literally) bumpy journey. Recalling how I struggled rather terribly with the steep learning curve back when I was learning how to ride a Class 2B bike last year, I definitely have misgivings about my ability to drive well, but no matter – I believe I will still make it in the end, regardless of how unpleasant the experience gets. Even now, after having gone for just two lessons, I've already received quite a fair amount of criticism from my (unfortunately) Chinese-speaking instructor with regards to my ineptness and lack of coordination. But I guess I'll have no choice but to take all of that in my stride and try my best (hopefully he doesn't end up pushing the limits though... ha ha ha).

In other news, my company went to the range last Monday for the second year combat shoot, and it turned out surprisingly well. As usual, I expected myself to be the black sheep that brought my team's overall score down and took away any possibility of ever achieving marksmanship, but the results indicated otherwise. I was even shocked at myself for doing well enough in the individual shoot such that I could also hit the mark to become a marksman. I attribute this to the fact that this year's shoot was much less demanding compared to the utter mess which was last year's – some shooting positions were excluded, leaving behind the manageable ones. I won't admit that my shooting skills have improved though, because if anything, marksmanship is naturally repelled by me – I'm just lucky that it gave me a chance this time (whoop).

Last Wednesday night, the clique (somehow I really hate using this word, but it'd seem awkward if I substituted that with a list of names, idk) from cell group came all the way down to the Wild Wild West to meet me for dinner and a catch-up session. It's actually a follow-up to a rough plan to meet that Huiyen & I casually thought out while on our usual Saturday night bus ride home.

Initially we had trouble finding in a good place to eat, and eventually we  settled with Kungfu Paradise (all in the name of the Bedok Point memories Christon & I had, hahaha). Evidently, we had A LOT of food (as usual), and after a couple of laughs we headed to Westgate in search of a nice rooftop to chill... only to end up playing in the children's playground there instead.

(I find this photo really amusing for some reason, as if we would actually make it to the jacket of a K-Pop album if we tried a little harder)

Haha really thankful that they came down though, there's never a dull moment with these people. :)

Booked out of camp the following night for Good Friday, and reached home just in time for a nice meal with my parents at the zi char place opposite where we live after they were done with their usual evening jog. My mom ordered a little too much food, and my rather hostile reaction to that made me realise that I've been growing increasingly irritable towards her, and I really need to stop that (thankfully though, we ended up having an interesting conversation after dinner that night about the goings-on in her workplace). I'm guessing a reason for this change in attitude is that I've been spending too much time away from home to have a proper conversation with her. Either that, or we've been arguing more often lately because I tend to vent my frustrations on her, which, admittedly, is something I really shouldn't do. Yet as I'm typing all this out on my phone while sitting on my bed in camp, I'm suddenly finding myself missing her a lot. I just wish to be a better son, and I'm definitely still learning (I love you Ma, despite and in spite of everything that may try to drive wedges between us).

Moving on to more lighthearted affairs, I went for the Good Friday service before booking in to do guard duty the next day, and I have to say that I enjoyed the drama production quite a lot this time round! This year, they retold the resurrection of Jesus Christ from a retrospective viewpoint, i.e. they recalled the series of events backwards from Easter, so that's something refreshing and different. That evening was also none other than a timely reminder of the steadfast love that God has for us. Truly Christ is risen and given us new life, and for that I'm thankful. :)

So here I am, back in camp and tossing and turning around on my bed, once again waiting patiently for yet another week to end. Over the next few days, I'll try to post more when I can. There's still quite a lot that I want shared in this place, so I'd better buck up when it comes to cultivating that writing habit. Till then for now!

Too much second-guessing

I can't believe that until now, I'm still reassessing the decision that I've made regarding my university education, even though there's still an opportunity to reverse the tide. For starters, I'm sorry if I was a jerk to anyone the past few days with all my ramblings about whether I made the right choice when it comes to what I'm going to study in the near future, and I'm even more sorry if I happened to have shaken anyone, or compelled them to review decisions which they would very much love set in stone and far removed from even the slightest hint of a doubt. Nonetheless, in spite of my fickle nature, I'm still sure that my interests lie in the fields of design and journalism, and I'd definitely want to pave my prospective career path in those directions. However, the hitch is that right now, I'm pretty much swinging back and forth these two areas like a pendulum bob, and I've considered making a radical change by applying to WKWSCI or even architecture school from the current FASS. I've thought about the possibility of customising my degree by taking up double majors though, so that's one factor that's keeping me grounded in my current decision. And I know this sounds terribly shallow, but the wide variety of exchange programmes and overseas internships are another factor. And although I've been racking my brains over this dilemma lately, the truth is that I can't do much about it just yet.

It's really times like these when I wish I could just fast-forward in time already. Yesterday while I was doing guard duty, I looked up internship offers in journalism and chanced upon this interview with an ex-intern at The Straits Times News Desk, and it only served to remind me of how much I too wanted an experience that'd equip me to probe deeper within myself. From where I am right now, the idea of interning as a journalist both excites and scares me in equal measure, primarily because more than a year after leaving JC, I've yet to estimate my abilities in an objective way once again. It seems like there's a fifty-fifty chance of it working out – likewise for the converse – and I realised that this is a question I want answered... now, actually. I guess these two years in NS are good in the way it seems to seal me up in bubble wrap, safely insulated from society, but I'm currently finding myself raring to go once more. One thing's for sure, though – I have to plan well now, so that I'll eventually hop on that utterly dizzying post-ORD ride and feel my head and my heart swell with way too many things at a time. For this particular transition in the near future, I doubt there'd be much balance involved... and that might not necessarily be a bad thing. What's most important is that by then, I would've gained a greater awareness of what I really want for the next stage in my education.

Just, blah

Sometimes I keep asking myself why. My life just seems so boring and dry now, and I know I'm supposed to cherish how simple March has been, but it's already gone beyond the point where I can still derive a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from what I do, provided I try my best to adjust my attitude and squeeze some optimism out. I just don't know, really - right now things just seem so empty. The company line looks so miserable everyday, no one has much meaningful or productive conversation with one another, the days seem to pass so slowly, and to describe the overall mood as dull would be a gross understatement. Everyone's either staying out and booking in in the morning only to leave in the evening, or malingering at home, refusing to turn up in camp. That leaves just the few of us, but soon some of them will be leaving for their respective courses, and that will leave even fewer of us seemingly perpetually stuck in the same place for the next 8 months or so. To make things worse, I've just been claiming a lot of off days lately, and it kinda gives the impression that I'm either just aimlessly roaming about or wasting away at home, though I have to say that I'm actively trying to prevent that from happening. Lately, I've been engaging in holding myself accountable for my interest in art & design, and by that I mean exploring more methods of making art (e.g. watercolour painting, new styles of sketching & typography, collage, etc.), as well as telling myself to touch Photoshop at least once every weekend. I've also started learning Japanese, although I'm going at a much slower pace than I would like, primarily due to the fact that I've also been catching up on my reading (I'm guilty for buying books and not reading them when I was young, and although I'm much more willing to read nowadays, I hadn't expected that I would've accumulated so many titles). There's still so many things that I want to will myself to do, and right now, I actually believe that if this sort of life persists, I'll eventually at least start on all these things, despite the high initial barriers and my penchant for procrastination.

You may think that's a good thing, which it is actually, but that's not really the point. Recently, I've been catching myself wishing that NS itself would be much more fulfilling than it is now for me way more frequently. Sure, it's easy to find ways to stop feeling like you're wasting your life away if you're willing to. But sometimes, I wish for more actual work, you know? Not the kind where you go down in your admin attire and sweep away the pile of dried leaves off the kerb, but the kind where you're actually participating in a work-related process. I hate to sound haughty (ha, so damn ironic), but sometimes I feel like I should be a 3SG instead, in the sense that I appreciate regular work and having my colleagues at least present when they're supposed to do their job. Or if I knew better, I could have messed up my pre-enlistment medical checkup then and landed a job as an admin clerk. That would work as well, I guess.

Last night when I was still in camp and just back from a night out, a sergeant of mine was lamenting about how we men have it so easy. We could have endless supplies of MCs if we wanted to, and all we had to do most of the time was just sit around and wait for instructions. I knew that he didn't mean a thing he was saying; he was simply generalising the attitude of a man in a bad light while whining about how burdensome his rank was, when it was clear he still wanted it. For not being at the bottom of the hierarchy in a system where hierarchy is everything, and for some measure of pride as a 'commander', of course.

And I still wish I could go overseas on military exchanges this year, but that would be hoping against hope, wouldn't it? To have a fulfilling experience in this place at all would be next to impossible. But I must keep telling myself to be grateful. I must keep trying to fix my attitude and to find ways to believe that things are better than they actually are. I must LET IT GO LOL. That's the only way I'll ever mentally pull through this year.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.
— Douglas Adams

This quote can't be any truer in the particular context of this entry. One day, I'll find myself in a positive working environment which values collaboration over authority, and I'll love what I do and rock at it so I wouldn't have to feel so lousy all the time. Or at least one of those two. I promise.

An important note-to-self

Took a lot of wrong turns the past weekend, and said a lot of things that were better left unsaid. But as much as it's too late, sometimes it takes impetuousness to get me thinking and reflecting in the way I usually would once again. For all I know, this scenario will one day repeat itself, and out of my forgetfulness and the influence of emotions which may seem so overwhelming at that point in time, the same old ugly thoughts will once again flow out from between my lips with a lack of restraint, confident that they would hit the right notes and send the right blows, only to die abruptly and vanish with all their energy spent on nothing. Yet at least I'll know that I've been there before, that with every mess comes the responsibility of cleaning up. At least I'll be able to see a little more clearly during those brief moments when my eyes are clouded by selfishness, regardless of how little a difference that may make. At least that view won't seem so futile, much less foreign.

It's such a shame how I still need to constantly remind myself that I can surpass the sum of my parts, if only I allow myself to do so. Am I that atrociously forgetful? That Friday night when I returned home, I once again sparked off that weary war of words with my mother – that rant about how I feel so trapped in this particular stage of my life with nothing fulfilling to look forward to, and how most of the people I know just seem to be absorbing brand new lessons and experiences, just because there's rightfully nothing to be afraid of when you're at the cusp of adolescence. I blurted out my mind without considering that she's already had to give up a lot in her life when she was just my age, and most importantly, without realizing my privileges in spite of how I may have felt. I forgot that there's virtue in patience, in the wait that will strengthen one's heart, and that even now, I can still take ownership of my own life, because the right attitude from within is precisely what plants one's feet firmly above all that's happened to him.

As I tossed and turned on my bed last night, I also thought of that Sunday afternoon, when my mother happened to bring up the issue of my A-Level results, telling me that as someone who performed so well in secondary school, I haven't tried my best in JC at all. My reaction to what she said was predictably unpleasant, like that of someone who felt wrongfully accused in an argument gone awry. At that point in time, all I could think of was, "great, just when I can't feel lousier about myself already, you had to go and make things worse". It was all just about me – that bitter taste in my mouth, and about looking back and regretting every single decision that culminated in this spectacular mistake that was A-Levels. Yet as I'm typing all of this out, I have to say that I'm done. So what if I have regrets? Instead of denying them like I always did in the past, I'm gonna have to wear them proudly on my sleeve as I move the hell on with life, and they're gonna have to be the tools that pave my way forward, not the weapons that I use to hurt myself. So what if I might actually be naturally incompetent compared to the others? I'm complete with my own limitations, and I'll simply have to make full use of whatever that's been handed to me. And as simple as it should have been, I will now see my mother's honest words as an encouragement.

For the first time in what has seemed like ages, I'm gonna tell myself here that yes, I believe in myself, in spite of everything that's happened and everything that's fallen apart. And to whoever's reading this, you should, too.

No such thing as enough breaks

This week has been a really refreshing one - probably because I'm only booking in tonight. Requested to clear Monday to Wednesday as off-days, because I figured that there's gonna be nothing much for us to do in camp (I'm probably either right or lucky for this, because it's really either nothing or something we wouldn't deign to do, i.e. SAIKANG). Anyhow, I've been resting out of camp for the past three days, and that's honestly all that matters.

But now that we're on this topic of me being glad that I'm out of camp, I have to say that sometimes, I catch myself wondering whether I'll actually look back at my NS journey in the future with the sense of having accomplished something. I would want to feel bittersweet about the experiences I've had, but seeing how until now, I still seem like a work-in-progress when it comes to reaching a couple of my short-term goals regarding the kind of character I want to have while I'm still an NSF, I'm not really sure about it. Occasionally, my mind nags at me to be more proactive and involved in my work even if it's not something I would choose to do (if I had the choice that is), and until now I still find it a huge struggle. Besides the fact that it's hard to always gnaw at the bullet, do what needs to be done despite the dread and inconvenience and have the right attitude of willingness while on the job, I'm guessing that I'm impeded also because of this diminished sense of pride that comes from always working under someone and being at the bottom of the hierarchy. But from here, I just want to learn to complain less, and to accept that it is the way it is. It's already too late to rewind and change the entire trajectory of my NS journey. Even now, with a considerable amount of time left to go before ORD, I'm already looking forward and thinking of what I would want to do for the next stage of my life. I guess you can say that an imaginary split runs through me and cuts me in half, with one half pushing forward, and the other half stubbornly choosing to stay put. Until I really grasp the idea of being willing and also of being humble when so many others can claim the privilege not to be will I be able to tell myself that yes, I've improved as a person. Ideally, I would want to look back at my NS journey with as little regrets as possible - I'd like to ironically actually miss the times spent in camp, while acknowledging that I wouldn't want to go back.

Grim thoughts aside, this break has been a rather chill one, with some days actually bordering on boring. Lol I guess that no matter how strongly I believe myself to be an introvert, when I really need good company, I need it, and when there's really nothing to do sometimes, damn right there's really nothing to do. Everyone's busy and barely keeping up with their own lives, and though I see myself as privileged that I haven't had a lot going on in mine lately, I'll admit that sometimes, I feel lonely. And I'm also stuck between not wanting to waste my time on company that wouldn't be right for me at that point in time, and hesitating to ask if the person whom I want to meet is free (unfortunately still pretty averse to rejection). Regardless, I shall try to better plan my me-time schedules in the future.

During nights-out on Wednesday, I headed to the Kinokuniya at Jem and got myself two more classics - 'The Great Gatsby' and 'Flowers for Algernon'. I'm sounding more and more like a pseudo ex-Lit student here, but lately I've been interested in modern classics for some reason, probably sparked by '1984' I guess. I still have a slew of non-fiction books (Nick Vujicic, an LKY biography, self-help books etc. etc.) waiting for me to read after I'm done with these two, as well as the 'Divergent' series and probably a few more other series if I'm interested. I'm also intending to get 'And The Mountains Echoed' in paperback from Bookdepository since I can't find it anywhere for now, so this year's probably gonna play out as one of intensive reading. I shall mark this as an accomplishment at the end of the year then!

Managed to spend more time than I usually would with my family this break. Had dinner with them on Friday at a usual 煮炒 place, and on Sunday at yet another usual haunt - Golden Mile Thien Kee Steamboat. If you're part of my family you'll know that there's only so many places we will go to eat - if it's not zhi char or that restaurant in Golden Mile Complex, then it's either Beach Road prawn mee, the famous yong tau foo and bak chor mee at Simpang Bedok, alternating between two or three dimsum restaurants, or Changi Airport. On birthdays, we'll probably have black pepper crab. So I guess all I have to say about us is that we're just simple people like that.

Yet speaking of our tendency towards being rather simple, I'm compelled to relate this to a recent survey result which painted Singapore as the world's most expensive city. As much as it's expensive primarily because of land/geographical constraints that can't be compared against other major cities, there are indeed a lot of things that remain out-of-reach to ordinary Singaporeans. What I'm trying to say is, it's a little lazy to simply dismiss Singaporeans as a bunch of people who 'enjoy a different basket of goods' and who are easily satisfied by the kopi and kaya toast breakfast set at the coffee shop below their HDB block, according to what a few ministers have alleged recently. I believe there are a considerable number Singaporeans who continue to pine for the lifestyles of our country's (filthy) rich, so, with so many government figures going by that argument to defend their stance that Singapore isn't that expensive, I hope they notice that they're actually admitting to inequality and confirming that yes, Singapore is indeed the most expensive city to live in. And while I was typing all of that earlier, I realised it may also be assumed that most Singaporeans are actually happy with a rather simple lifestyle of cheap hawker/coffee shop fare, heartland shopping malls with casual wear brands, etc., which is something I'm not really sure about.

In other news, on Saturday I attended a distant relative's baby shower, but honestly I was just in it for the food, haha. I was also rather fascinated by the use of ang ku kueh, deep red hard-boiled eggs and colourful agar-agar as symbols for Chinese baby showers. Although I'm aware that it's long been part of Chinese culture, I have forgotten this particular aspect for it for quite a while, so it was rather heartening for me - I felt like I was learning more about my history somehow.

Saturday was also the day of Sheryl's NTU hall production at (ironically) NUS UCC, for which Sheryl was the uh... receptionist. Kinda strange and 'no link' but yeah, that's just how it was.

Also really that I made myself available on yesterday night for Clarence's 21st birthday party at NSRCC! Had an enjoyable time and yes, the food was good. HAHA.

So tl;dr: basically, I'm back in camp after a good break, yet I'm already smelling the weekend ahead. And I just wish that every week of my NS life could be like this, though this is but an example of wishful thinking lah.

Back to bored

Finally. A proper entry after so long. For the past few days, I've been reminding myself tirelessly to find a good time to sit down and write, before I forget all the things in February that I want to remember. After all these years, I remain a professional procrastinator. Old habits die really, really hard. They may even be immortal, for all I know.

There won't be anything much for us to do in camp for this week and the next, because most of the company's currently away in India for military exercises. Before they left last weekend, I was half-wishing that I could join them, yet I dismissed that thought almost immediately. I guess this ambivalence stems from the fact that I will no longer be flying overseas with the army during my 2 years in NS. It's good because India has never been a place I've been itching to visit anyway, let alone getting posted there for military exchange. Also, I've been to India before (and I consider myself very, very lucky to have had a great experience there). Nevertheless, the flip side to all this would be that 1. they will be visiting the TAJ MAHAL, the architectural wonder I unfortunately didn't get to see during my last visit, and 2. with the news that we won't be flying to Australia near the end of the year, I feel kinda sad that there'll no longer be an all-expenses-paid trip to Down Under, though I keep telling myself that Queensland's where we're going and there's probably absolutely nothing there besides deserts that stretch in all directions as far as the eye can see (and even farther), and an unhealthy abundance of kangaroos.

Moving on, I went for my first ever running event on Sunday - the 2XU Compression Run. We ran the half-marathon (21.1km), and I have to say that I was pretty glad with my timing of ~2 hours 31 minutes. It's really slow compared to my usual pace (my fastest so far is a timing of 9 minutes 18 seconds for 2.4km, but that's 2.4km after all), but considering the fact that I haven't trained much at all leading up to the run (the farthest I last ran without stopping was 5km during TJ days, and for my trainings this time I clocked at most 4.5km distance-wise), it occurs to me as a reasonable timing. A main reason behind why I didn't really get to train properly was the field exercise in mid-to-late February, but it's mostly because I didn't have much will to. Condemn my logic if you must, but I've never really wanted to focus on cardio because of how skinny I am. I guess I signed up for the 2XU Compression Run this time because I was just in for the experience. I know it's kinda bad to not take it so seriously, and even now I'm questioning myself if that was the right thing to do, regardless of my physical circumstances. All I know is now, I really need to lay out for myself a gym regime if I want to gain the much-needed couple of kilos. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel lousy for eating like an average person and not gaining weight. And on another note, I intend to try for either the Adidas Sundown or Standard Chartered full marathons next year, and this time, I'm gonna train up. So yes - from now, I'm gonna go all (moderately) fitness-crazy for the weekends where the weekdays were pretty easy.

Since there wasn't going to be anything much going on in camp this week, I took an off-day on Monday as I was planning to stay the previous night for my mom's birthday. It turned out to be a pretty good decision because... (try not to judge) rofl I could queue with Sheryl for the Taylor Swift tickets right at the time when they started going on sale on Monday morning. Even now I'm not really sure if I can pry myself off army duties that Thursday night and take leave for both Thursday and Friday to attend Taylor's and Ellie Goulding's concerts, but screw that for the time being - it's still better to be certain that you've secured the tickets you need...!

Also, I've recently got to watching 'Her' and finishing the two similarly-themed books of 'Fahrenheit 451' and '1984'. To be honest, 'Her' was a tad too long for my liking and quite a number of parts bored me to the point where I would pause at those parts or skip over them by doing something else. I appreciated the film's premise though - the lesson learned at the end, if anything, made film-sense (if that's even a word). I feel utterly pretentious now that I'm saying this against previous Tumblr posts of quotes and music from 'Her' (I genuinely liked them), but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one around who does this sort of cherry-picking... ha ha ha /assures self. As for the books, I found 'Fahrenheit 451' pretty bland with its lack of characterisation, unnecessarily descriptive prose and markedly shorter storyline, so you can say I didn't really enjoy it, though there were a couple of takeaways language-wise. On the other hand, I really enjoyed '1984', and I recognise how it's often considered a modern literary classic. George Orwell is just amazing with his words. The final section of the book was simply chilling, and I really appreciated it for the genius that went into the construction and sustainment of this alternate society. And if you haven't read 'Animal Farm' by him either, I highly recommend you do so - it's a really good book by him as well. I'm also contemplating whether I should give his lesser-known essays a chance, but I'll leave that to next time for now.

In other (equally boring) news, smh @ how just passes so slowly in here - I can't believe it's just Thursday. Friday, just come soon and make everything alright.

The week leading to CNY

On Tuesday my battalion organized an exhibition for a group of NUS High School students, so after returning to camp, the (very) few of us were tasked to help set up and arrange a maze room out of our company's lecture room. We used camouflage netting for the ceiling and ground sheets for the windows to block as much light from streaming into the room as possible, and also to make the place seem more ~claustrophobic~, lol. This was part of a plan to share with the students an idea of what the recce teams do in the army and what sort of equipments they use, and in this case, the students were supposed to maneuver the maze while looking through a pair of night vision binoculars. Though it's not exactly an accurate simulation, I guess it was still a pretty good idea.

While the few of us were at it, the others were involved in the CNY decorations, and although a lot of effort was put into getting them ready, I have to admit that the end-product was a flop because of the way it was executed. By themselves the artworks are pretty good, but the way it was hung out for show - the pieces were wrapped in plastic and tied to the railings of each floor in the building in a really haphazard arrangement - was honestly really bad. It just felt like such a waste, though fortunately we also had slightly more to show, such as a rather large horse figurine made from tables, planks and papier-mâché, and two motorcycles disguised as horses with the use of painted cardboard. I guess the execution turned out to be rather underwhelming for those as well, but really, you can't expect us NSFs to celebrate CNY in our units with the same level of enthusiasm as when we're celebrating outside. And now, even after I've already booked out for the week, I'm still not really feeling the CNY mood.

Shared that photo of what we did for the exhibition with a couple of friends, and their immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically in mock disbelief, LOL. I honestly expected that but I didn't feel the urge to laugh along, because the truth is, when you've been through the process and seen your friends put in genuine effort, you wouldn't be so detachedly dismissing it, no matter how... poorly the end result turns out. Regardless, the exhibition turned out to be quite a success anyway - could see most of the students at least marginally enjoying themselves - and the MOST important thing? All of us got an off day for helping out.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day spent entirely at home, but I decided that it was a waste since it was so sunny outside and all. So I did some research and decided to go on a cycling trip turned photography session... because I didn't get to rent any bike in the end. It turned out that the rather pathetic excuse for a bike rental kiosk beside Punggol Jetty (it was just an inconspicuous, temporary tentage) is closed from Mondays to Wednesdays, and that kinda means I overestimated the number of visitors at the park as well. But it was fine, as the peace and quiet made solitude all the more enjoyable. I wound up conducting a quick ~recce~ around the area, taking a couple of pictures along the way while enjoying the sea breeze and the sunset. The freedom of exploring places less travelled with no agenda in mind will always appeal to me, and even more so after a month that was mostly spent cooped up in camp. To top it all off, Punggol is really a gem of a neighbourhood. I especially like how its green features are not completely natural, with many of them being an amalgamation of the organic and the man-made, as it adds a modern twist to a town that's still reminiscent of its earlier rustic days. This particular environment strikes me as something similar to that along the Han River bank in Seoul, or in the man-made pockets of greenery within the city.

In other news, I've just returned home from reunion dinner over at my paternal cousins' place. Tomorrow's Day 1 of CNY and I predict that it'll be nothing out of the ordinary, just like all the other years. There's so many expectations during this period with regards to the quality of family ties and activities, etc., what with social media throwing around its definitions of fun and bonding that only seem to get bigger with each post and each tweet. But this doesn't change the fact that we have what we have, and if 'ordinary' is all I'm gonna have, I don't really mind, actually. :)