After another goodbye

So last Wednesday, I laid out all the equipment – the helmet, luminous vest, and the elbow and knee guards, to be exact – neatly in the locker that was assigned to me in the motorbike garage, returned all the necessary keys as well as the cross-country riding boots, and finally, stamped down what seemed like a never-ending hurricane of paperwork – all in exchange for a military Class 2B license. And a dismissal from the driving circuit which I forced myself to feel happy about, because I was. From that day on, gone will be the days of incessant chiding and nagging from my instructors, and in all honesty, I never really got to know those who rode with me throughout the next half of the course well, so it felt good – albeit terribly overdue – to finally break away. I know I sound totally cold-hearted here, but I always felt like a persona non grata in their midst, probably because I was the 'blur'/lousy/weak one. And things will hardly change even if I prove them wrong a hundred times over, because we just belong to different frequencies, behind contrasting personalities. But it's OK. There's no one to please here.

Nevertheless, I'm still sentimental for a couple of things despite generally not enjoying the course like I thought I would, and I especially miss the islandwide riding sessions, and being able to cruise around Singapore just because. It was really nice to just ride around the routes, to take in the sights of familiar places so inexplicably entangled with my past and present – home, Changi Village, the ferry terminal to Tekong, TJ – to name a few, and to ponder briefly about these stages of growth and how I've changed since then. I guess it was just something I drew strong feelings of gratitude from.

In other news, I'm back here in the place where time seems to slow down to a painful crawl, and since I'll most likely be stuck here with next to nothing to do till the end of this year, I thought, "why not write a bit about my thoughts?". It's surprising because I wasn't expecting myself to actually exercise my brain in this manner (being a soldier and all, and lol I was just being sarcastic), but I did learn some small but important lessons I thought I should keep.

I would say that I've 'survived' every hardship and challenge thrown at me this year, because I wouldn't deny that 2013 has been a hard one. But then again, should I say that all this while, I've only been focusing on my own problems, and on shoving them into others' faces, especially my loved ones? It definitely doesn't help when every single one of my friends seems to at least be having a better time than me now. I know, there's always a degree of immaturity from looking at things this way, but at the very least, they managed at least one of the wishes for this year that I couldn't fulfill. I was so desperate for that 'big break', to the point where I expected it, where I thought that anytime now was the right time for it. I insisted on going for a short trip overseas to anywhere, preferably this or that... basically, I flooded my parents with unreasonable demands, and expected fulfillment on their part. In the end, promises made had to be broken. I wasn't given the leave schedules early enough, and everyone had their own jobs to attend to. It was nobody's fault; I just learned that I needed to be more patient and less selfish. Because so what if everyone else seems to make travelling abroad seem like such an easy task? It's still a privilege, and I need to learn how to deal with it – the possibility that privileges can get stripped away from me one by one.

I realised recently too, that I'm never going to be the man people expect me to be. And the thing is, I just know it, even though I have no idea what kind of person I'm gonna turn into in the future. And when the time comes, I guess I'll get to know who are the ones who will really accept the way I am, even if in the end, I pass away as some empty shell void of interest in almost everything – something like how I feel now, which is also something I don't want to become. It is really in times like these when I should submit myself more to my own faith, to God... despite everything that I may be, and despite all the circumstances I'm in. Tired, guilty, conflicted, cowardly, yes. But you know, still faithful and hopeful. And I know that's what matters:

This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” (Romans 1:17 NLT)