A reminder to live

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

So many disjointed thoughts to put into organised, flowing paragraphs of words lately, but one thing's for sure: this week saw a strangely fulfilling kind of happiness.

It's no surprise that I would very much rather be busy like many of my other friends right now, many of whom are either in university or slogging away for their holiday jobs following their graduation from poly. I'm the kind of person who prefers to keep myself occupied, especially since the daily grind of my life in the army has long gotten to me, and I long to embark on a productive and meaningful journey once again. Seeing how many of them are either learning brand new lessons and picking up valuable skills in exchange for hard-earned money in the workplace, chasing their passions in their chosen field of study and taking risks by trying something new despite not being entirely sure of what they really want, or even travelling to faraway lands on missions and adventures that they're curious and excited about, I'm in equal parts happy for them, and a little sad for myself. It's always a blessing to know remarkable people who push forth courageously in their pursuit of growth and self-improvement, but it gets a little lonely sometimes, when all you seem to be doing is just gaze at them from the sidelines. Nevertheless, if anything, this week convinced me that my life really isn't as much of a sad story as I seem to always portray it to be – something which made me happy in a pretty special way.

What I'm about to say next may come across as a little too cheesy, but I'm endlessly thankful for my friends who are always sharing with me their stories and experiences, and the many lessons they have learned. It's one thing to be pressured to always be productive and on the move, and another to be utterly bored with nothing to do. Yet when it comes to truly living, it's a completely different ball game. This week, I saw how my friends could possibly teach me to live, through the invaluable mutual sharing of insights, ideas, thoughts... and the list goes on and on. It also felt like it has been a long time since I last genuinely connected with the people I care about, but the truth is, I've been doing it all along – I just failed to notice it while I was so caught up with my own frustrations over how my own life has seemed to come to a standstill. Ironically.

I've come to realise that life moves pretty fast, whether or not we're keeping ourselves busy or just chilling, and what really makes it remarkable is the value of our introspection and our reflections. Like a close friend of mine said, it's not time and experiences that teach, despite how many of us would think. We can live our lives going through the motions and deeming as many events as we want dull and forgettable, and they'd still be the same time that has passed and the same experiences that we've been through. What actually matters is whether we choose to look close enough. To ignite those epiphanies that can potentially change the way we look at the world and at ourselves. The realisations that serve as reminders for us to live.

I've been spending quite a lot of time with these two girls lately, and trust me, these photos are not the last you're going to see of them in this post. If there's one thing that I really find sweet of them, it's the way they constantly affirm my photography skills, even if I personally feel that they're not yet of a satisfactory standard. It also helps that they're rather... vain, too – put a budding photographer together with people who love having photos of themselves taken, and you'll (almost) always find yourself in a win-win situation. Needless to say, I appreciate their (especially Xiaoshi's) obsession over OOTD and profile shots, both for their confidence in expressing their style, and for all the little photo opportunities they present me.

Booked out unexpectedly early this week, so I was glad that they were coincidentally free at the time I left camp too. We met at Jem for an impromptu meal together on Thursday night, following which we strolled from mall to mall, talking about almost everything under the sun. They mentioned about how they really enjoy the chance we had to meet up, citing examples of how they occasionally felt stifled in their schools and/or workplaces when it comes to communicating with their friends/colleagues, but what was really nice was the fact that they acknowledged the ease with which we could get along, free of awkward judgment and measured diplomacy. I agree with them wholeheartedly of course, but after putting things into perspective for a bit, I realised that there's also value in differences and clashes in personalities, but only if we see meaning in reconciling them. I couldn't help but hark back to the KL trip with Yi Ren & Sheryl, where there were countless times when we disagreed completely with one another, from ways of doing things to the planning of the itinerary. Regardless, we made an effort to listen to one another and to air our concerns before reaching a mutual consensus, and thinking about it, I really do appreciate this honesty I share with many of my friends, and with these two as well, of course!

Saturday evening saw more OOTD shots, dinner with the cell group at a new, cozy location at Outram Park, and late night hangs at the Starbucks @ the Fullerton Waterboat House, a haunt we've been frequenting lately. Overall, 'twas a great night of quality conversations and simple joys.

We cycled from Pasir Ris Park to Punggol Waterway this morning, rounding off three consecutive meet-ups with Xiaoshi & Yuyun, as well as fulfilling the unspoken promise I made with Cliff to embark on a nature activity with him before he leaves for China next month. Initially, we planned to trek from Bukit Batok Nature Park to Dairy Farm Nature Park/Bukit Timah Nature Reserve, but the forecast of rain in the early morning ended up foiling our plans. Thank God for our god-sent tendencies toward spontaneity, though, for we still found a way to have fun in the end. It's a joy going for such trips with this group of friends also because they tend to be fascinated by the littlest things and the simplest beauties. It definitely helps to be around an excitable bunch!

So this marks the end of a great week, and the anticipation of many more to follow. Thankful for the reminders for happiness, and the many small adventures. As much as I'm always raring to go and move on from this current phase of my life, it definitely pays to slow down a little, to look closely, to feel, and to not pressurise and rush myself all the time.

No such thing as enough breaks

This week has been a really refreshing one - probably because I'm only booking in tonight. Requested to clear Monday to Wednesday as off-days, because I figured that there's gonna be nothing much for us to do in camp (I'm probably either right or lucky for this, because it's really either nothing or something we wouldn't deign to do, i.e. SAIKANG). Anyhow, I've been resting out of camp for the past three days, and that's honestly all that matters.

But now that we're on this topic of me being glad that I'm out of camp, I have to say that sometimes, I catch myself wondering whether I'll actually look back at my NS journey in the future with the sense of having accomplished something. I would want to feel bittersweet about the experiences I've had, but seeing how until now, I still seem like a work-in-progress when it comes to reaching a couple of my short-term goals regarding the kind of character I want to have while I'm still an NSF, I'm not really sure about it. Occasionally, my mind nags at me to be more proactive and involved in my work even if it's not something I would choose to do (if I had the choice that is), and until now I still find it a huge struggle. Besides the fact that it's hard to always gnaw at the bullet, do what needs to be done despite the dread and inconvenience and have the right attitude of willingness while on the job, I'm guessing that I'm impeded also because of this diminished sense of pride that comes from always working under someone and being at the bottom of the hierarchy. But from here, I just want to learn to complain less, and to accept that it is the way it is. It's already too late to rewind and change the entire trajectory of my NS journey. Even now, with a considerable amount of time left to go before ORD, I'm already looking forward and thinking of what I would want to do for the next stage of my life. I guess you can say that an imaginary split runs through me and cuts me in half, with one half pushing forward, and the other half stubbornly choosing to stay put. Until I really grasp the idea of being willing and also of being humble when so many others can claim the privilege not to be will I be able to tell myself that yes, I've improved as a person. Ideally, I would want to look back at my NS journey with as little regrets as possible - I'd like to ironically actually miss the times spent in camp, while acknowledging that I wouldn't want to go back.

Grim thoughts aside, this break has been a rather chill one, with some days actually bordering on boring. Lol I guess that no matter how strongly I believe myself to be an introvert, when I really need good company, I need it, and when there's really nothing to do sometimes, damn right there's really nothing to do. Everyone's busy and barely keeping up with their own lives, and though I see myself as privileged that I haven't had a lot going on in mine lately, I'll admit that sometimes, I feel lonely. And I'm also stuck between not wanting to waste my time on company that wouldn't be right for me at that point in time, and hesitating to ask if the person whom I want to meet is free (unfortunately still pretty averse to rejection). Regardless, I shall try to better plan my me-time schedules in the future.

During nights-out on Wednesday, I headed to the Kinokuniya at Jem and got myself two more classics - 'The Great Gatsby' and 'Flowers for Algernon'. I'm sounding more and more like a pseudo ex-Lit student here, but lately I've been interested in modern classics for some reason, probably sparked by '1984' I guess. I still have a slew of non-fiction books (Nick Vujicic, an LKY biography, self-help books etc. etc.) waiting for me to read after I'm done with these two, as well as the 'Divergent' series and probably a few more other series if I'm interested. I'm also intending to get 'And The Mountains Echoed' in paperback from Bookdepository since I can't find it anywhere for now, so this year's probably gonna play out as one of intensive reading. I shall mark this as an accomplishment at the end of the year then!

Managed to spend more time than I usually would with my family this break. Had dinner with them on Friday at a usual 煮炒 place, and on Sunday at yet another usual haunt - Golden Mile Thien Kee Steamboat. If you're part of my family you'll know that there's only so many places we will go to eat - if it's not zhi char or that restaurant in Golden Mile Complex, then it's either Beach Road prawn mee, the famous yong tau foo and bak chor mee at Simpang Bedok, alternating between two or three dimsum restaurants, or Changi Airport. On birthdays, we'll probably have black pepper crab. So I guess all I have to say about us is that we're just simple people like that.

Yet speaking of our tendency towards being rather simple, I'm compelled to relate this to a recent survey result which painted Singapore as the world's most expensive city. As much as it's expensive primarily because of land/geographical constraints that can't be compared against other major cities, there are indeed a lot of things that remain out-of-reach to ordinary Singaporeans. What I'm trying to say is, it's a little lazy to simply dismiss Singaporeans as a bunch of people who 'enjoy a different basket of goods' and who are easily satisfied by the kopi and kaya toast breakfast set at the coffee shop below their HDB block, according to what a few ministers have alleged recently. I believe there are a considerable number Singaporeans who continue to pine for the lifestyles of our country's (filthy) rich, so, with so many government figures going by that argument to defend their stance that Singapore isn't that expensive, I hope they notice that they're actually admitting to inequality and confirming that yes, Singapore is indeed the most expensive city to live in. And while I was typing all of that earlier, I realised it may also be assumed that most Singaporeans are actually happy with a rather simple lifestyle of cheap hawker/coffee shop fare, heartland shopping malls with casual wear brands, etc., which is something I'm not really sure about.

In other news, on Saturday I attended a distant relative's baby shower, but honestly I was just in it for the food, haha. I was also rather fascinated by the use of ang ku kueh, deep red hard-boiled eggs and colourful agar-agar as symbols for Chinese baby showers. Although I'm aware that it's long been part of Chinese culture, I have forgotten this particular aspect for it for quite a while, so it was rather heartening for me - I felt like I was learning more about my history somehow.

Saturday was also the day of Sheryl's NTU hall production at (ironically) NUS UCC, for which Sheryl was the uh... receptionist. Kinda strange and 'no link' but yeah, that's just how it was.

Also really that I made myself available on yesterday night for Clarence's 21st birthday party at NSRCC! Had an enjoyable time and yes, the food was good. HAHA.

So tl;dr: basically, I'm back in camp after a good break, yet I'm already smelling the weekend ahead. And I just wish that every week of my NS life could be like this, though this is but an example of wishful thinking lah.